Return To Horror High
Year: 1987
Rated: R
Run Time: 95 minutes
Production Company:New World Cinema
Director: Bill Froehlich
Starring: Richard Brestoff, George Clooney, Panchito Gomez, Maureen McCormick
T & A: Hell Yes
Cheddar: Sharp

"Killer To The Left!
Killer To The Right!
Stand Up, Sit Down!

Throughout the course of time there has been one aspect of Bad Hollywood Cinema that has remained pure and untarnished: The High School Slasher movie. From Trick or Treat and Slaughter High to Scream, the High School Slasher keeps coming back and rarely leaves us unsatisfied. Now I realize that there have been a few high school flicks out there that suck... but for every poor one there are usually one or two good ones. Not to mention many standard horror movies are mistaken for high school slashers. For example: Slumber Party Massacre II involves high school students, but doesn't actually take place in the high school therefore it is not a HSS. In addition to general setting the majority of the deaths must take place in the high school itself or at least on the campus. While The Slumber Party Massacre has the killer make use of the school surroundings for a proving ground for his killing methods, it is not a high school slasher flick because the majority of the kills do not take place in a high school setting. High school slasher (especially of the late 80's) are our best entertainment value. They have plenty of stereotypical high school characters (jocks, sluts, prisses, and, of course, nerds) ready to be killed, creative deaths with various high school sundries, and, as Evil E would say: "Titties man, Sex, Sex, Sex!"

Dispite its often confusing plot structure RETURN TO HORROR HIGH is a great high school slasher. Several years ago a psychopath went to Crippen High School with a need to kill; so he did and left without a trace. Cosmic Pictures has come to the now abandoned Crippen High School to make a film based on the killings. Since filming began most of the crew has been killed or are missing. The cops are on the case and the only explination are the ramblings of the quite disturbed writer.

Ever been sat on by the Buddha (or a girl in a sundress the size of the Buddha)? For those of you who haven't, let me tell you what it's like. First you get real hot. Then you get real disoriented and confused. However, once you realize where you are, you don't mind so much and you have a good time dispite it all. RETURN TO HORROR HIGH is much like a gigantic Manatee in a sundress being sent to keep you from you daily chores... confusing. There are cuts from the present to the past and back to the present; scenes that look like killings then turn out to be a scene from the movie being made; and Masha Brady being an erotic (not neurotic) cop... Snazzy. Once you stop thinking about the dizzying camera effects and the power mise-en-scene you can't help but throughly enjoy watching the heads roll (or fly in the air for that matter). The kills in this are what make it well worth your while. Several heads are chopped off, one kid is subjected to death by propeller, and poor Panchito is sucked into a hole. Did I mention George Clooney's in it... he's the first to go. Sure it's not as powerful as some of the late, great KUROSAWA's work, but entertaining none the less.

-Mr. Paul

Our Rating System

Mr. Paul: "Kastleman you Honky!!! Marsha Brady, rub them titties! Amos (or should I call you Confusatron) go mop up!"

Z-Man: "When I first saw the tagline for this movie, I thought it was a code for me to get 30 men in CONTRA. However, when I tried to enter it into my old NES, ROBBY THE ROBOT grabbed my nutsack and made angry puma sounds. Goddamn if that didn't hurt like a bitch. Besides that though, HORROR HIGH is a cool little slasher flick that makes absolutely no fucking sense. Just forget about the lame ass ending and you'll be O.K."

El Santo: "Marsha Brady continues to rub her tits every 20 minutes or so, so that kept me going. But if you're into more of a killing thing, it has plenty of that too!!!"

Eagle Te: "This movie had more twists and grooves than a midget quadruple amputee's poontang, but it is unbelievably funny and has some strange Te like charm that makes you want to watch it until the very end...kind of like my XXX copy of Ms. Piggy dancing to "Private Dancer." The black janitor is unbelievable and watching George Clooney get axed is worth the price of rental alone!!! Hey Amos...I too want to be in some Pussy Movies!!! We can call it...Slapping the Te!"

General Zod: "This is the movie the makers of SCREAM don't want you to see. From the ghost-faced, black-cloaked killer to the clever commentary on the conventions of horror films, its all there. Although one must actually pay attention to understand the convoluted plot, there is some genuinely entertaining shit in this flick. The silhoutted flying head busted a couple of ribs, and Uncle Remus' sadistic laugh now helps General Zod go to sleep to night."