Humongous

Year: 1982
Rated: R
Run Time: 97 minutes
Production Company: Embassy Pictures Corporation
Director: Paul Lynch (Prom Night)
Starring:Janet Julian, David Wallace, Janit Baldwin
T & A: Hell Yes
Honey Baked: Ham



"Dear God... Look At That Thing... It's HUMONGOUS!!!"


Humongous. Eagle Te. It's all true baby, every hot veined inch...ohhhh, you're wanting to know about the bad horror MOVIE Humongous!?!? My humble apologies. I don't quite know what to say about this one except that why does it always have to be me that chooses stinkers such as this? What does Eagle Te have to do...I haven't axe kicked any Girl Scouts or broken up the local VFW Monday Nude Bingo/Mud Wrestling Night with my band of unsavory Kung Fu villians lately! Thats why it hurts me so when I have to suffer the injustice of having shit like this put on my list of movies that I have chosen...the box said that a boat full of horny 80s teenagers run aground on an island inhabited by a killer mutant who eats ravenous killer dogs for God's sake...YOU WOULD HAVE CHOSEN IT TOO!

You might be asking, "What's this movie about?" Well don't. Its like I said before...a boat full of horny teenagers run aground on an island inhabited by a killer mutant! Sounds like a sure fire hit, right? Well, Confucious say...BUUUUULLLLLSHIIIIT! This movie may not be one of the shittiest movies we've ever seen, but it surely isn't the best. The thing that makes this movie so horrible is the disappointment factor that you will inevitably feel. You know the feeling, you rent the highly anticipated XXX extravaganza "Fuck Rogers and the Seven Rings of Heranus" only to find that some dickhead recorded the 24 hour marathon of the Super Friends Wonder Twins Tribute hosted by Adam West and William Shatner dressed in full Babylon 5 Battle Uniform. While that might give some of you pathetic fucks major wood, it only serves to send me into a flurry of 12 hit combos that drain and waste my vital essence that I must save for my heated and passionate love affair with the love of my life...Angela from the Sleepaway Camp series...I still have love for that ho. This movie has all the potential in the world but simply fails when it comes time to deliver. There are some damn fine points about the movie that must be mentioned in all fairness and which keep this one off of the shitlist. First, the dialogue in the very beginning of the movie is simply priceless as insults are traded left and right among this group of incredibly diverse teenagers, you have the cool jock, the virtuous hotty, the slutty hotty, and the psycho loser friend who everybody makes fun of...a virtual cornicopia of Canadian teenagers prentending and just wishing that they were Americans! Another great aspect of this movie is the absolutely shameless early 80s nudity that is thrown liberally about...we get to see virtuous hotty's VERY CUTE booty (Eagle Te Approves) AWESOME!!!! The killer was actually pretty cool when he fucking got around to doing something. A beautiful example of this occurs when the slutty hotty is laying on top of our wounded hero with her shirt off...to provide warmth, of course, and the mutant steps up to show his disapproval for her loose ways. What follows is THE BEST scene in the entire movie as the mutant grabs the girl and flings her off. The camera cuts to her limp body slamming to the ground like she was dropped out of a B-52 and then cuts back to a quick yet very entertaining scene of the mutant placing his 1780s Samuel Adams boot on the prone hero's neck! Trust me, it's hysterical! Unfortunately for this flick, this is where the good qualities end. This movie is plagued with horrible lapses of time where absolutely nothing happens and your mind starts to drift to just how FINE that super slueth Nancy Drew looked on the cover of those frankly engaging mystery stories...I wonder if there is any truth to the rumors that the Hardy Boys ran the train on that ass...NAAWWWW, we all know she was a lesbian and it was Aunt Gertrude that had claim on that TANG! Anyway, the most painful and debilitating disadvantage in this flick is the complete and total lack of LIGHTING! Come on you cheap BASTARDS...even a poor ass college student like myself has FRIGGING light bulbs. I mean what kind of pathetic director doesn't even spring for some damn lights! Eagle Te say: YOU GAY!!! With some damn lighting this movie could have been something but without it it remains only a marginal flick that is only worth the effort for the scenes described above and to see the virtuous hotty run around screaming with the skeleton of Grandma on her back...Now doesn't that just remind you of family reunions of yore! EAGLE TE SAYS ITS YOUR CALL!

-Eagle Te

Our Rating System


Mr. Paul: "It may have been good, if I could have seen what the fuck was going on. Instead I farted on Eagle Te's pillow and laughed when he questioned its mysterious warmth."


Z-Man: "A decent premise that is simply shot to shit by the fact that YOU CAN'T SEE A DAMN THING. Even when the killer gets fucking SET ON FIRE it's too dark to see anything! Maybe if THE HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS got stranded on the island instead of those teens and were forced to play a pick-up game with robots instead of fighting dog-eating mutants, this flick could work. As it stands, I'd rather have my nutsack slam dunked by Iron Man."


Eagle Te: "A fair bad movie that is only worth the price of rental for a few scenes and the titties but I heard grumblings from General Zod that our money would have been better spent on the remake of BASIC INSTINCT starring RuPaul."


Brother Phil: "The only think HUMONGOUS in this movie was the cock that it sucked. It started sorta promising, and the bluberry 'milk-maid' was amusing, but all in all the movie chewed donkey balls."



Ookla the Mok: "I'm a very unhappy customer when I don't get what I ordered. And I didn't order a big plate of shit, so I'm pretty fucking pissed off cause that's what I got.