Year: 1989
Run Time: 90 minutes
Production Company: Phantom Productions / Punjabi Brothers
Director: Scott Spiegel (screenwriter for Evil Dead 2)
Starring: Sam Raimi, Ted Raimi, and (for about 5 seconds) Bruce Campbell
T & A: If Only
That No Candle: That Dynamite!

"Buy One Get One Dead!"

Midnight. Coolin at AM/PM. Ate some WOW potato chips and had a BM. Actually, more like an ICBM. A 6-headed fecal MIRV with 70 megatons of bowl-busting atomic assbang. And as I sat upon my porcelin throne like King Turd of Shit Mountain I pondered, weak and weary. I pondered the Mysteries of the Universe. I pondered the Masters of the Universe. Does Skeletor always have a boner? Why do birds sing so gay? Do puppets fuck... or just make love? It went on for days. But when the last of my logs was lain to rest (it came out sideways) I rose to my cloven feet triumphant. I honked my left teat twice for the West Side. Then I used Sandra Oh's face as my toilet paper and blew her a kiss with my asshole. It made her teeth fall out and gave her unborn child a harelip... but it made me a man.

Actually, it made me The Man.

And as such, it's my duty to oppress your minority with a review of THE INTRUDER:

The managers of Walnut Lake Grocery have good news and bad news for the kids working the night shift. The bad news? The store is closing forever and after tonight- they're all losing their jobs. The good news? Most of them won't live to worry about it, because there's a fucking homicidal maniac loose in the store!

At least, in theory- because for the first 30 minutes of INTRUDER, the only shit getting slashed is prices. With kills completely absent in the early innings and nary a titty in sight... you'd better be prepared to make your own fun. Laugh at people who fall down. Comment on the cashier bitch rocking the high-altitude pants. Fingerbang a leprechaun. Feed a retarded kid a LEGO sandwich. I don't give a fuck. Just be back here in a half hour with dick in hand. Because when the blood (and the hot grits) start a flyin'... shit gets ill.

Or does it?

NOTE: This is where your particular viewing experience might differ from ours. Especially if you are blind. It's like a Choose Your Own Adventure... and you're the star! So, if you picked up the unrated version of INTRUDER off the shelf- turn to page 11. You'll be treated to some surprisingly juicy kills, maimings, and post-mortem mutiliations. Not only that, but you'll get the Warlock's Key and save the fanciful Unicorn. However, if you were a fucktard and got the pansy-ass R rated version, turn to page 23. There you'll find a lot of the gore replaced with footage of a very special kitten's Christmas Wish, fraggles sharing, and snowboarding bear cubs who rap about AIDS. Oh, and you'll get your salad tossed by a cyclops. The End.

But let's just assume you went with the unrated version, because all this talk of violent murders has my dick hard.

You want examples of the unrated carnage? Well... it might be summer, but two kills spring to mind. One involves a gangly stoner fag getting his head popped like a zit in a hydraulic trash compactor. The other involves an electric meat saw tearing this dude's fucking face in half. Both involve a lot of squirming, pain, and sustained grunts of a graphic nature... just like OOKLA's secret, Enya-fueled, scrotum scrubbing ritual.

But as nice as those two kills are, they are but farts in the wind compared to the film's highlight: when the killer lands a 10-hit combo on some poor bastard with the severed head of his last victim! Holy shit! When I saw that, I did a fucking backflip and kicked Jesus in the face. A rainbow launched out of my ass and shot down Airship Shamu. Honestly, I haven't seen a critical beatdown of that magnitude issued since I tried to pull a jack move on Biz Markie's Pineapple Now & Later backstage at Yo! MTV Raps.

So, to sum shit up, INTRUDER is (at best) solid slasher fare. That's it. It's not going to change your life... unless you're using Angelina Jolie's face as your dickholster while you watch. Even with the extra high-impact splatter-kills of the uncut version, the lack of titty and slow build-up keep it from being a fucking classic.

Now Penis in Vagina... there's a fucking classic.


Our Rating System

Mr. Paul: "Your mama got wet when she heard Bill was giving Craig head on aisle 7. When you asked why she was dipping cookies in her cootch, she told you it was milk and poured it on your frosted flakes."

Z-man: "Do you have any coupons? Fag."

Ookla The Mok: "Attention Piggly Wiggly customers, we're having a special sale this week. Free groin kick with every mutilation. There's also 50% off on head beat downs in aisle 4."

General Zod: "Price check on severed head."