Jack Frost

Rated: R
Run Time: 89 minutes
Production Company: A-Pix Entertainment, Inc. (Oh Shit!)
Director: Michael Cooney
Starring: Scott MacDonald, Christopher Allport, Stephen Mendel
T & A: Hell No
Keep Your Fork: There's Pie

"What's That Nipping At Your Nose? Jack Frost? Nawww... The Stench of Raw Shit!"

After seeing the movie "Jack Frost", one can only wonder why it was made. Was made to scare little children who were bad? Was it made to be a commentary on human life? Or was it just made to piss on my parade? I vote for the last one. But before I tell you all my nasty comments about this shit-filled flick, let me give you a brief and painless summary of what happened!!

The night starts off like any other night: LARGE PETE is on the shitter, so he calls in and says he can't make it. Eagle Te is still fighting in Arizona or something, so he's not coming either. This leaves Z-man, Mr. Paul, Brother Phil, and myself as the only members able to watch this flick!!! We sat down for our midnight showing and before we even started watching, we all had our minds made up!!!

Z-man: He knew better then to watch this shit and warned us to turn away, but we wouldn't listen.

Mr. Paul: He was a little more optimistic, but he still thought it would suck!!!

Brother Phil: He thought that it might be O.K, and was willing to give it a chance!

El Santo: I it was going to be a real Ho-Down, shit kicking, flick!!!

So the movie started... and like most good flicks, it had a pretty cool intro consisting of a wicked old man telling his niece a bedtime story about the evil man Jack Frost!!! The cool thing about this part, was the midget-like voice of the niece!!! We were all thinking, cool intro, not too bad!!! The lowdown is that a guy by the name of Jack Frost runs around the country killing people, and he gets caught by a local cop one day. Upon conviction, he is ordered to be put to death. The movie picks up with Jack Frost being driven to the Town Square or something, for his execution!!! There is a really bad snow storm, so the drivers are having a hard time of it!! Well, before you know it they run head on into a Mac Truck!! YEAAAAAA... WAIT! This is where the movie turns to shit!!! But, you ask, how can a movie turn to shit so fast??? Well, let's talk about cartoons, as in what we have to watch while Jack Frost turns into a snowman!! Oh yea, in case your wondering, he turns into a snowman cause he gets hit with snow acid, which turns you into snow!!! Actually I don't why he turns into one, I guess if you watch that fucking cartoon, you find out... but I decided to Fart on Phil, so I missed that plot development!! So after the cartoon gets over, and everybody makes fun of my stupid ass for renting this shit, Jack Frost runs off into the town of the cop who caught him! While he's there he kills some folks and does bad shit... but you know what? NOBODY GIVES A RAT'S ASS!! You want to know why???? NO??? WELL TOO BAD, DIP SHIT- HERE GOES!!!

First of all, there's NO FUCKING SNOW!!!!! What The Fuck?!? Just a day before they had a fucking snowstorm and now there's no snow on the ground? Damn A-Pix and their shitty budget. Why in the fuck do you make a movie about a killer snowman and have no fucking snow in it!!!! That's what I'm saying my brother...

Second, They snowman doesn't move!!! What kind of retarded mother fucker is going to get killed by a IMMOBILE snowman. I call bullshit! That snowman can't move- and you can once again place that blame on the shoulders of LARGE PETE or A-Pix!!

Third: NO TITTY + A TITTY TEASE!!! O.K, here's another big problem with this movie. IT HAS NO TITTY!! Damn, it could have stayed off the shit list if it had one titty. Fuck, I could go with half a titty, but no! IT HAD NONE!!! But that's not bad enough for A-Pix, leave it to them to make a shitty film worse, They had a TITTY TEASE!!! LOOK, I'm here to see titty, so if you don't plan on showing it to me, DON't PRETEND TO!!! FUCK YOU A-PIX!!! They took a Hot Ass chick, and had her take a bath, they teased us with PUNTANGshal shots of Naked flesh, but all we got were shots of her elbow and knees, I call Bullshit!!!

And lastly, this movie had three different endings!!! It was like they decided to do an ending and then said, "Hey we've got this town rented out for another two days, lets shot some more", and so they did!! Too bad they couldn't make at least one of the three endings good!! THEY ALL SUCKED A BIG COCK!!!

So what did we learn as we watched this movie? First we learned that A-Pix was created by the Devil. Second we learned that THIS MOVE SUCKS COCK. And finally we learned that JACK FROST IS THE NEWEST MEMBER OF THE SHIT LIST TEAM!!!!

All in all this movie sucks. Don't watch it. Don't let your grandma watch it. And if you get a chance to hit a member of the A-Pix corporation, do it with the accelerator down!!! Remember, you have been warned!!

-El Santo

Our Rating System

Mr. Paul: "We finished watching Jack Frost at around 2:00am. I went home, cried, and took a shit which made me late for work the next morning. "

Z-Man: "Why did I feel like that old guy who warns the campers in Friday the 13th going into this movie? I don't know... maybe because IT SUCKED SHIT?"

El Santo: "OUCH. This movie sucks ass! I can't even think of one nice thing to say about it. In fact if it wasn't for the fact that I got some the day after, I'd be kicking some serious ass right now, instead of just rocking it!!"

Brother Phil: "I mourn a thousand tears for any pathetic soul which rents this festering boil on my asshole of a movie. I think I have diarrhea."

Merciful Buddha!