Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice
Run Time: 92 minutes
Production Company: Corn Cobb Productions / Dimension Films
Director: David Price (Prince of Lies, Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde (Arrgg!), Son of Darkness: To Die For II)
Starring: Terence Knox, Paul Scherrer, Ryan Bollman, Christie Clark
T & A: Hell No
He Who: Walks Behind the Rows
Back in 1984 after reading some Stephen King story a group of psychotic, amish, barn rasing, sheep fucking kids went nuts and killed all the adults in their town for the glory of "He Who Walks Behind the Rows". Well those nutty kids are back at it with a new leader (that looks remarkably like NOTC correspondant Marquis De Sade) and a need to sow the seeds of love (corn) with the blood of the adults. Why? Who the fuck cares that's unbeatable plot. Their plans are not too quickly foiled when a pathetic tabloid journalist comes into town with his assinine son and fucks not only the local Bed & Breakfast owner but their shit up as well, with help from Native American Doctor of Sociology (or some shit), Red Bear.
The plot sounds marginal, the characters sound lame, the corn tastes good, and the movie tastes even better. Imagine the largest corn bread muffin you've eaten from Kenny Roger's Roasters... the tasty honey goodness, the sweet supple crumbliness (whether it's a real word or not is none of my concern, you know what I mean goddamnit, and you fucking like it!), and the corn... oh GOD!!!! the sweet, sweet corn goodness. CotC (not to be mistaken for NotC) is just like that muffin.... sweet, crumbly............. Okay, no it's not, but it's pretty fun none the less. Let me explain: The children kill everyone in the town... that's right, mass murder! Always a plus. When asked about it, they're only reply is: "I saw the corn". No, 'they wouldn't let me wrestle TERRY FUNK and THE BLUE MEANIE at SLAMBOREE', or 'they wouldn't buy me the Launch Octopus Playset' just 'I saw the corn'. Crazy children, that make no sense and get very upset when you touch their corn. To them everything is about the corn. Can I see the corn, will you pass the corn, not corn again, President Clinton used corn?!? The corn even kills. That poor Asshole and Crazy Son of a Bitch (those are the real character names) got fucked up hard core by the corn itself. What a shame. But if the corn didn't get them then those deviant little kids would've! The children were especially fond of preying on elderly women. The first had a house dropped on her (wicked witch symbolism) and Granny 2: The Quickening got smashed through a window by a MACK truck during BINGO. These people don't know when to stop! Wait... yes they do. When the shirt starts coming off.
This tale of terror was not without its faults. First, NO TITTY... a cardinal sin in itself, but can usually be overlooked if the flick is exemplary in other fields (which this one is not). And second... it had a pretty gay ending. Chief Fucking Sheep came back from the dead and shed a tear while he picked up some trash the white man left. I have nothing against Native American spirituality (especially if it is used to seriously fuck people up) but this was pretty lame. Aside from that though, this was quite an entertaining flick. It was a lot of fun, and worth a look. In conjuction with RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD or one of our 4-star hits, it's sure to leave you craving some down home cookin' from your favorite Kenny.
Our Rating System
Mr. Paul: "Corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn corn."
Z-man: "As if you needed another reason to fear and loathe the Amish way of life. Seriously, this is good, solid, corn-fed entertainment. Cannibal Corn launched heat-seeking projectiles definitely garner Honorable Mention."
Eagle Te: "I... I saw the corn... in my shit! This movie is a laugh a minute and a great example of a bad movie that can't possibly take itself seriously! The goth Corn Priest is simply hysterical with his overacted delivery of his lines and you will shit sprinkles when you see the grandma catapult through the Bingo Hall Window! A VERY strong three stars and definitely worth a rent!"
SPECIAL CREEP THANKS
Although all of us here at NIGHT OF THE CREEPS are thankless pig-fuckers who don't love their mamas, we WOULD like to extend a hand (that smells like ass) of thanks out to the gang of colon-tickling primate thunderchunk buttchins that recommended this excellent flick to all of us. Without the help of pimpmistress ADIA, (p)ISSY, the commode-o dragon heself ACID PLUNGE, some fucker named JOE, and that retarded kid they keep around named WHEELS... we never would have experienced the wholesome goodness of cannibal corn. Thanks be to all of you furious fucks. Now will you leave us all the fuck alone?