Lake Placid
Year: 1999
Rated: R for violent creature attacks and related gore, and language
Run Time: 82 (damn) minutes
Production Company: 20th Century Fox
Director: Steve Miner (Friday the 13th 2 &3, Halloween: H2O, House, Warlock)
Starring:Bill Pullman, Bridgett Fonda, Oliver Platt, Betty White
T & A: No, but Jesus it needed it
Fuck: Tard

"You'll Never Know What Bit You!"

Here's a movie so bad, it made our pet Mestizo mad. This movie had it all. Except for kills, titty, and zombies. It had two kills actually (human ones that is) but one was under water and the other lasted about 4 frames (thats 1/6th of a second). Fuck that. The guts from the first kill are awesome, but movies are not made of guts alone. There was many opportunities for titty, but the sorry fuck for a director never took them. In a movie where animal kills outnumber the human kills, without breasts, you are sunk. Witty dialogue andplot twists don't matter (not like this movie had those). Anyway, if you have seen the trailer you have seen the movie. It really sucks and has a shitty ending. Execpt for Oliver Platt. He has a helicopter and he gets all da pussy and he is a crocodile hunter and he can make traps and he makes fun of the fat sherrif. I like that...

EDITOR'S NOTE: Apparently, someone pissed on OOKLA's pastry strudel... because the six headed fecal monolith forgot to include a fucking PLOT SUMMARY. So, here to save the day is special NOTC guest referee, GALEB DUHR.

"Thanks Alex. It's a pleasure to be here tonight... especially considering the fact that I'm an 8-foot tall walking turd. But let's get down to business, shall we? Something strange is going on in the murky depths of a lake in upstate Maine. That lake is placid: LAKE PLACID. That something is MURDER: as in the cold-blooded, bite-your-honky-ass-in-half variety. Needless to say, when the mutilated corpse of a scuba diving beaver retriever washes ashore with a six inch crocodile tooth lodged in his pancreas, shit gets nutty. Local officials (led by Bill Pullman & Cuba Gooding Jr) join forces with a snooty museum paleontologist (Sandra Bullock), an electric blue boombox that can transform into a 20 foot tall flame-shooting robot (Soundwave), and a magic elf who lives in an old boot (Size 13 Orthopedic) to get to the bottom of the mystery. Well, the bottom of the mystery just happens to be the scaly prehistoric ass of a 30-foot crocodile. This croc is a pimp, and after getting booed off of Jerry's show for smacking his bitch up on live television, he decided to go on a murderous rampage. Can our heroes stop the croc? Can they free Willy? Will I win those tickets to see the BACKSTREET BOYS perform LIVE at the 3rd annual Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Awards? Dude... I CAN'T TAKE IT!"

EDITOR'S NOTE: We now return you to your regularly scheduled shitfest. Rock out with your cock out, Mr. Galeb Duhr.

Okay okay, here's Ookla's advice. Go to the multiplex nearest you and purchase a ticket for a movie that starts about 10 minutes after Lake Placid. Sit down and wait for the guy to get bit in half (watch out for that beaver) and stare in awe at those great guts. Imagine to yourself Betty White saying "Give me the fucking keys you fucking cocksucker" just like in the usual suspects and walk out. You have just had the best Lake Placid possible. Way better than the dumb fuckers who plan on watching the whole thing.

Now who wants some more GALEB DUHR?

"I DO! I DO!"

-OOKLA THE MOK (+ Monster Manual II)

Our Rating System

Mr. Paul: " When I consider all the steps that lead me to the exact moment in which I was sitting inside Lake Placid I had to wonder. What if I wasn't home when the comissioner put up the "NotC Symbol". What if I would've said 'Not tonight, I've got better things to do'? What if took the long way to the theatre and was attacked by GALEB-DUHR? I think about the small things I could've done to prevent this tragedy and realize that it wasn't my doing... fate must have it in for me. Old women saying 'fuckmeat' and Crocodile's eating Grizzly Bears can not make for the exceptionally low body count (2) and lack of Bridget Fonda titty. Kids, this one made Grandma cry"

Z-man: "I'll have to admit when I saw that crocodile rear up out of the water and bite that grizzly bear in half, something funny started going on in my pants. It felt like a weasel was jumping around down there. Thank Christ it turned out to be a marmot... cause goddamn- them weasels is MEAN. "

El Santo: "In a word: Dick, with a capital "ick"! In Two Words: FUCK OFF! And to sum it all up, If you suck dick, then Fuck Off!!!"

Brother Phil: "That goddamn alligator lived, fuck that."

Ookla The Mok: "I liked the guts a lot. I liked Oliver Platt. I want to grow up to be him."