The Lift
Goin' Up
Year: 1984
Rated: R
Run Time: 95 minutes
Production Company: American Eagle Films /United Film Distribution
Director: Dick Maas (Rigor Mortis, Flodder, Amsterdamned)
Starring: Ab Abspoel, Willeke van Ammelrooy, Isabelle Brok
T & A: Hell Yes

"Take The Stairs... Take The Stairs...

We've all done it. We've all looked at ordinary objects in everyday life and thought to ourselves, "Wouldn't that be funny as hell if something shorted out and turned that everyday object into a ruthless killing machine?" Well if you haven't then you should have you pansy bastards! I know I would find it endlessly amusing if the merry go round outside every Wal-Mart were to suddenly speed up to mach 3, throwing innocent little children (as well as your 16 year old retarded brother who just couldn't resist a ride on the spinning horsey ...yeaaaaa!!!) ruthlessly into the parking lot and hurtling them through the side of a Brinks armored car to be ruthlessly shotgunned into a pile of steaming bloody meat by the surprised Brinks security guards. Yeah, we've all thought of it. That's why we here at NOTC dropped a load when we saw the cover of THE LIFT which gratifyingly has a businessman with his head trapped in the pincer grip of the closed elevator doors. Usually we have a rule to never rent a movie based on cover alone but damn it, this one we just couldn't resist! Now before we get into the review and wheter or not we got severly burned, here is a brief plot summary: insane (possessed??!!) elevator goes nuts and kills its unwitting occupants in a variety of unusual and elevator like ways. Perhaps the elevator's murderous instincts were aroused by the fact that a group of DUTCH businessmen and their wives decide to start fucking while they are riding up in the doomed lift. Oh, did we forget to mention....this movie is DUTCH, so unfortunately plot is virtually non existant and the dubbing doesn't help matters in keeping you glued to the screen. I would say skip this movie entirely were it not for two simply hysterical scenes that demand to be watched over and over again if you are a bad horror movie fan. The first involves the demise of an unassuming blind man (if you're asking why a blind man is walking around a high rise building then just think about it...he's fucking blind!!! How does he know where he's going?) who innocently walks toward the elevator to get a ride down to the first floor. After all, it's quicker, right? Well, the ride for him is a little quicker than he was bargaining for as the elevator graciously opens its doors to him...the only problem is that there is no elevator waiting for him as he foolishly steps into the door and falls (after desperately trying to climb back up) to his death far below while naturally hitting every bone jarring bump along the way! The next priceless gem is when the security guard gets his head stuck in the doors of the elevator where he is slowly guillotined by the descending elevator above. This scene is unbelievably funny as we slowly get to see a painfully obvious prosthetic head get slowly decapitated and fall with a resounding thump beside the crushed body of the blind man on the bottom of the elevator shaft. Unfortunately, there just isn't much more to this movie worth a damn than those two kills that are absolutely first rate and worth the price of rental alone!!!! Overall this film gets a reluctant approval from Eagle Te..but just for those two kills, the rest can lick the honey off my cock.

-Eagle Te

Our Rating System

Mr. Paul: "The parts with the elevator are awesome, the rest of it is DUTCH. Need I say more."

Z-man: "Two or three hysterical scenes keep this greased turd out of the Shit List... but rest assured it can't be digested in its entirety. It does have titty. But it's DUTCH titty. Therefore, it is worth approximately half of what domestic titty is."

El Santo: "O.K, put this movie in and then pick up your remote. Now fast farward through the movie and stop everytime you see a scene with an elevator in it!!! Watch those parts and you'll be O.K!!!"

Eagle Te: "This movie may suck the oat bran out of Eagle Te's steaming Te turds, but it is completly worth the price of rental for the falling blind man and the unbelievably funny head trapped in the elevator doors and subsequent decapitation will rock your world harder than a back brain kick from the mechanical mule at Te's Shaolin Honky Tonk Bar!"

General Zod: "The nuanced sounds of a blind man falling to his demise are entertaining indeed, but when General Zod can go for twenty minutes and not realize that he is still watching a movie, its a bad sign."