Man's Best Friend
Year: 1993
Rated: R
Run Time: 87 minutes
Production Company: New Line Cinema
Director: John J. Lafia (Child's Play 2)
Starring: Lance Henriksen, Ally Sheedy, C.H.O.M.P.S.
T & A: Hell No
I Ate A: Baby

"Now YOU Play Dead"

Lassie. Benji. Rin Tin Tin. What do these names all have in common? They be gettin' more pussy than you. No, besides that, you say. Oh, okay, they be gettin' more ass than you, too, and I ain't rappin' about no Francis the talking mule either. But seriously though, Larami cigarettes are a clean, cool, refreshing way to top off your day. That's Larami: Two a's and one long "aaaahhhh". What was I talking about? Oh yeah, MAN'S BEST FRIEND. If you ask Ookla, man's best friend is his hand. His right hand. If you ask Ally Sheedy, she'll say the same, but that's not what this film is all about. MAN'S BEST FRIEND is a perceptive dissection of the conflicting emotions that accompany aberrational love in a fascist society. In a world where conformity is the only acceptable option, the pursuit of one's deep, heartfelt desires is inevitably countered by superegoistic inhibition, and in the end, society is the only true monster. Does one really choose who they want to love? Man, woman, dog, Taco Bell sour cream. Or is it chosen for them? MAN'S BEST FRIEND is one of those rare cinematic achievements that celebrates the triumph of true love over the ignorance of social taboos. Can I hear you say DOGGIE STYLE!

Ally Sheedy is Lori Tanner, a bright, young investigative reporter whose most recent project is the uncovering of animal mistreatment in research labs. But, while trying to conduct a report from inside a lab, she accidentally releases a well-kept secret into society--the vicious dog-beast Max. Whoops! Oh, fuck! Get down! He's got a spork! Max's creator, Dr. Jarret(Lance Henrikson) is pissed. It seems that his little creation was an expensive project with the good of mankind at heart. Max is a prototype for the ideal watchdog. However, when not kept under proper supervision, Max can very easily turn into a bone-licking killing machine. Fuck yeah, baby! However, when Max meets back up with Lori outside the lab, he turns out to be a model citizen, chasing down purse thieves and shit. Well, they fall in love. Blah, blah, blah. Perry gets pissed. Lassie gets dicked. Etc., etc.

The movie has its memorable moments, but it also has a lot of dry moments--dry like ass. The major element that holds this movie back is the unnecessary compulsion to make you hate every one of Max's victims, as few as they may be. From disgruntled mailman(cousin of disgruntled goat) to "crotchety"(You'll realize how clever this is later and thank me) old junkyard man, they are all characterized as assholes. How are we supposed to pull for Max if he's killing the bad guys? It just doesn't make any sense. As for the memorable moments, one must give major props to the dog for his uncanny acting abilities. With the vibrant realism of a young Kirk Douglas, he truly and honestly carries you through the inner-depths of his character. It is a tour de force in the acting profession. Credit should also be given to the crack-smoking special effects team. From animatronic acid piss to chameleonic disappearances, this team has rendered the rewind button indispensible. Check out the blue screen leap of faith over a pile of squad cars.

Overall, MAN'S BEST FRIEND is probably worth a look. But, it just can't reconcile whether it wants to be a unique horror classic or an annual end of the year tradition for fifth graders. Make up your minds! Here's a suggestion. It's a fucking dog with the best attributes of spiders, tigers, and wolves. Kill somebody assholes!

-General Zod

Our Rating System

Mr. Paul: "You can't go wrong with a dog pissing acid on someone's face."

Z-man: "You know, I heard that in France dogs bark like this: 'AUF! A-A-AUF! AUF!' Man, how gay is that? Good thing MAX is an All-American badass. He has acid piss. He eats pussy with a jaw that can unhinge. He also gets Ally Sheedy to scratch his sweaty balls. If I was a dog and saw Max walk into the room, I'd say: Bow wow WOW!"

Eagle Te: "OK, say what you will about the rest of the movie, but Man's Best Friend gets three and a half stars for two scenes that redefine horror movies as we know them today. Scene one: Max uses his chameleon powers to turn the tables on a couple of dog catchers and causes them to bust out of a door in me, it's better than it sounds. Scene Two (and easily in my top five funniest kills): Max knocks out his owners boyfriend and then dispatches him when he awakes with the lift of an animatronic leg and a well placed squirt of acid urine...Now try to top that, you bastards!"

El Santo: "Pending"

General Zod: "It's kind of like that episode of Lassie where Suzie falls down a well and Lassie runs to get help, but when he returns, Timmy and Suzie are makin' puddin', and Lassie gets jealous and kills them both. It's kind of like that."