Near Dark
Rated: R
Run Time: 95 minutes
Production Company: DEG (in association with HBO Home Video)
Director: Kathryn "Bam Bam" Bigelow
Starring: Lance Henriksen, Bill Paxton, Adrian Pasdar
T & A: Hell No
Puppy: Surprise

"Killing You Would Be Easy... They'd Rather Terrify You- FOREVER!"

When Caleb Colton falls head over heels for a mysterious trailer trash beauty queen named Mae, she assures him that he's never met a girl like her before... After a whirlwind romance that fateful night that winds up with some freaky deaky goings on in the front seat of his pick up truck, Caleb realizes exactly what she meant when she bites a huge ragged hole in his neck! Yes... as fate would have it, Mae turns out to be one member of a pack of modern-day Southwestern nomad vampires that roam the countryside in an assortment of hijacked vehicles in a constant search of human prey to slake their thirst for blood. Needless to say, seeing how Caleb managed to get his stupid ass bitten by a vampire, he is doomed to transform into one. And Jesus, what a time this guy picks to transform into one! During a 6 mile walk home in the burning sun after his truck broke down... Caleb begins to feel the disintegrating effects of sunlight on his newly formed vampire flesh. Caleb escapes death, however, when he is rescued by Mae's gang of vampire thugs (in a modified, combat-ready RV no less). What follows is Caleb's maddening descent into the lifestyle of a bloodsucking undead fiend. Not only does he have to contend with the fact that he has to murder innocent people in order to stay alive, but Caleb also has to contend with the fact most of the other vampires in the team think he's a faggot and would just assume tear his damn head off than allow him to tag along. However, the trouble really begins when the vampire gang's midnight assault upon a isolated honky tonk bar goes wrong and sets off a massive state-wide police manhunt. Now, faced with an army of pissed off redneck police officers, a ton of internal struggles within the undead mob, and waging an eternal war with the deadly sunlight of the Southwest- the vampire gang must fight for its own survival... and STILL manage to find a bountiful supply of that jugular wine! Mmmm! Mmmm!

Sounds pretty fuckin' cool, huh? How 'bout if I told you that the legendary Bill Paxton was in this flick as a vicious vampire killer named Severen? Or that Lance "Don't Call Me Bishop" Henriksen played the grandpa vampire that drove around isolated highways at night just to bite the heads off of would-be carjackers? Would that be enough to convince you to rent it?

Well... it was enough to get myself and my associate El Santo to rent this tape over at Blockbuster one woeful Saturday night- and we've been cursing the back of that goddamn box ever since! Like a gigantic boil on your ass that never pops, no matter how hard you squeeze it, NEAR DARK leaves you feeling completely unsatisfied. It just never capitalizes on its awesome potential. The kills are shockingly tame, with the camera avoiding direct contact with most of the gore, and waaaaaay too much time is spent focusing on the "love story" between our hero Caleb and the trailer trash beauty queen vampire Mae. Personally, I'd prefer not to know about what moistens the undead panties of an ugly ass vampire chick like Mae. If I'm gonna sit down and watch a movie about vampires... I'd much rather see these guys get down to business and butcher the populace in full-on, gore flecked majesty: none of this "Party of Five" vampire bullshit. I bet these pussy-ass vampires hang out with those vampires from "The Lost Boys" and those six bitches from "The Craft" every Halloween and enjoy some hot apple cider and rice crispie treats. Oh yeah... and don't forget some spirited rounds of bobbing for apples! Well... for the most part, NEAR DARK can come over here and bob my left nut. Aside from a handful of neat ideas, this movie is weakness personified. If you want to see some serious vampire action- I reccomend waiting for John Carpenter's upcoming film "VAMPIRES" (releasing on October 30th, 1998). Pimp Master Valek will put the bloodsucking homos of NEAR DARK to shame with his furious Swivel Arm Kung Fu Grip!


Our Rating System

Z-Man:" The only thing these vampires suck more than blood is DICK! These are the kind of vampires that would be on Yearbook Staff or Glee Club in high school and only suck the blood out of fat chicks while the real vampires would go home after the game and bonk the fuck out of the Homecoming Queen. Shame on you, Bill Paxton!"

El Santo:" This movie had so much potential, but managed to FUCK IT UP every time!!! It just plain sucks and barely sits outside the Shit List!!!! Take my advice and go do something else with your time: this film isn't worth it! "