Necronomicon: Book of the Dead
Run Time: 96 minutes
Production Company: New Line Home Video / Turner Entertainment
Director: Christophe Gans, Shusuke Kaneko
Starring: Jeffery Combs, Bruce Payne, Tony Azito
T & A: (unconfirmed) Hell Yes
Do Damage on: The Crossfade
NECRONOMICON??? What can I say about this lovely film. Well, one things for sure, I cant say that its worth a Damn. I sure as hell cant say that I enjoyed it. And Im pretty damn sure that viewing it caused me to lose some pussy the other night!!! But before I butcher this film, let me atleast give you the damn plot, and then Ill tell you why it sucks an apes cock!
All right, the basic plot revolves around the great H.P Lovecraft's attempt to see and learn some of the stories from the ancient "Book of the Dead", better known as NECRONOMICON! He goes to some monastery out in the middle of bumble fuck and steals some ancient happy keys from one of the monks. He then eludes their presence and makes his way towards the inner chamber of the monastery. Using the key to open the gates of hell(?), Lovecraft makes his way into a very fucked up room. The floor sits above some type of river and in a little cubby hole in the wall sits his desires.... The Book of the Dead. He takes the book out and places it upon a nearby table. Then after taking out a note pad to jot down some stories, Lovecraft begins to read the book......
Here begins the true tale of horror. Rather than going into detail about each of the stories, let me describe to you what it felt like watching this movie unfold. Have you ever taken a shit and had it almost out your ass when somebody knocks on the door and you suck it up again, only to have to push it out once more???? Well my cock-sucking peons, this is what the movie turns into. I will not deny the fact that this movie had its moments. Its special effects were quite interesting and many scenes did leave you grabbing for the rewind button. HOWEVER, go ahead and keep your hand on that remote, cause your going to need to use that "FAST FORWARD/GET ME THE HELL OUTTA HERE" button! This movie has WAY TOO MANY long dragged out scenes where nothing happens. Countless minutes are spent dicking around for no reason. This constant dragging of the movie kills any effect it may have during its "special" moments, and caused one too many of us to take an early nap! It's a shame that this movie falls prey to this pitiful job of directing. Had the director spent more time joining/uniting the action in the movie, it could have been a classic. That's what pisses me off the most about this movie. The fact that it has so much potential, yet falls way short of it is painful to watch. Trust me folks, stay away from this one!!
El Santo Sez: "At least it still had some titty."
Our Rating System
Mr. Paul: "It's got Jeffrey Combs. That's it."
Z-man: "Gravity be damned! If this wretched piece of trash doesn't make H.P. Lovecraft roll over in his grave and release a shoggoth from the confines of his rotted asshole, I don't know what will. Not even the presence of Jeffrey "Re-Animator" Combs can save this hulking turd fest from the power of THE SHIT LIST. Stay away from this one, you meddling kids. Stay FAR away! "
El Santo: "It's sad to see such a great idea go down the toliet. The fact that it is put together so shitty makes the movie worse than it really is! All I can say is good luck, FUCKER!!!"
Eagle Te: "This movie sucks BEYOND BELIEF... I thought I was watching an episode of Masterpiece Theater for God's sake!! You'd be better off pulling out the old Power Glove and giving your schlort a few whacks on TURBO."
NECRONOMICON: YE OLD SHIT LISTE INDUCTEE (10/21/98)