Hollywood's New Blood
Run Time: 90 minutes
Production Company: Raedon Entertainment
Director: James Shyman
Starring: Martie Allyne, Joe Balogh, Bobby Johnson
T & A: Hell No
I Like Ta: Singa
Hollywood's New Blood........Just the sound of that name reminds me of such things like shit, grease from your mother's crotch, and pus from your dick! Why do I see such violent images? Why did your sister chip her tooth on my dick last night? How come your mouth smells like your ass? Well, all of these questions can be answered by viewing the shitfest we call Hollywood's New Blood!
Much of the fucking plot centers around a group of young, up and cumming actors and actresses who go off into the woods to take a seminar on acting. Little do they know that evil and mayhem await them at every turn, where every decision can lead to disaster! Unfortunately, that last sentence was both more frightening and thrilling then that movie could ever be! Basically you have these three deformed brothers who were partially blown up twenty years ago when a filming crew wired the wrong house! Now they want to take out there revenge on these young "Hollywood New Bloods".
I would just like to pause for a moment from writing this review and warn all of you: Just stop reading. Press that damn BACK button and go back to our main page. Or better yet, take your hand off your dick and move that mouse to the left. Why not click on Sleepaway Camp or Mosquito? Those reviews are much...much better! Shit, what the fuck am I going to do, I've got to fill up about another half a page. I could write about the time I stole that retarded kids butterfinger, or about the that times I told those girls I'd call them back. Shit, they probably believed me when I told them they were the only one... or that I loved them. When are you bitches gonna learn? Shit. This is pointless. Might as well keep talking about the fucking flick!!
All right, the movie comes and goes, and for the most part nothing happens. People get killed, but you don't see it. All you get is one of those before and after pictures. Like before, two people are making out, and after then both have patches of disappearing ink on their shirts. It hurt folks. It hurts writing about this flick. There really wasn't anything worth talking about for the whole film, other then General Zod doing the dirty bird, this movie sucks hardcore!
I don't even remember how it ended, I think the last brother had a skull shoved into his face or something. It doesn't matter, because even if you are dumb enough to rent this shit, you won't get that far. The best part of the film comes during the closing credits. Here, they decided to run a MUSIC VIDEO! But, its really not that great, either. See, the only lines are some old man saying "Hollywood's New Blood" over and over.
Hell fucking yes, I can see the fucking finish line! I'm almost done with this review! I know what you're thinking. You're saying to yourself: "El Santo, what's up with the half ass review? This shit ain't funny! Where's that NoTC effort I'm used to seeing?" Well my gigantic giblet of ass, just stop right there. I've written these reviews all day and all night. I've slaved over countless Chickenheads and Culo updates. And I've never once asked what's in it for me, damn it! And well, I'm just asking: WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME? Where's my donation for a job well done? Where's the sexy photo from one of our NoTC chicks? Where's the BEEF? Where's Waldo? Where's the respect, credit and titty I so richly deserve? That's right you worthless freaks, you should feel bad. All of this time you've taken advantage of this Mexican feast! Shame....shame on you! However, if you'd like to send me a donation, a witty cheerful encouragement, or your training bra, please do so at firstname.lastname@example.org Remember, No CODs accepted. Oh well, I guess I should (w)rap up this review...
When watching this film, one should remember El Santo's Three Golden Rules:
1) Beans plus rice, everything nice!
2) The pussy is the first hole down from the belly button!
3) Never be too proud to use the fast forward button!
Really folks, don't rent this movie, There isn't anything good about it, and it is argued to be the worst film we've ever seen!
EL SANTO SAZ: "An hour and a half of my life wasted...and for what?"
Our Rating System
ZERO FUCKING STARS
Mr. Paul: "Yo dog, po po creepin'."
ZERO FUCKING STARS
Z-man: "In all my long and twisted travels upon this island earth, nothing even comes close to matching the fucking pain induced by HOLLYWOOD'S NEW BLOOD. Sucking that dead fetus out of a gravid cow's ass, having sex with that tractor on New Year's Eve, getting my nutsack bitten by a parrot: all these mean nothing now. This flick is, without a doubt, the worst horror movie ever fucking screened by NIGHT OF THE CREEPS."
ZERO FUCKING STARS
Eagle Te: "Come on, feel the noise...girls, rock your boys....and get wild, wild, WILD!"
El Santo: "Jumping jockstrap Batman, you do have a big cock!"
ZERO FUCKING STARS
General Zod: "I almost gave this movie a half a star because it reminded me of a shitty local TV commercial. Then I realized that it was General Zod's genius that made the clever juxtaposition and rendered the laugh inside. These motherfuckers have no excuse for their shittiness. They were given the opportunity to work with real film stock. At least with THE LAST SLUMBER PARTY, you could almost feel sympathy for the filmmakers. They shot their piece of shit with a Kodak Funsaver."
HOLLYWQOOD'S NEW BLOOD: YE OLD SHIT LISTE INDUCTEE (1/16/99)