NEW YORK RIPPER
Year: 1982
Rated: UNRATED
Run Time: 82 minutes
Production Company: 77 Cinematografica
Director: Lucio Fulci(Zombi, Zombi 2, Zombi 3, The Beyond)
Starring: Jack Hedley, Almanta Keller, Paolo Malco, Howard Ross)
T & A: Yes, Pre-Sliced
Howard the Duck: As Himself



"Quack Attack!"






What's worse than being a young and beautiful woman in New York and getting stabbed? That's right, being stabbed by some twisted freak who talks like a duck. Now if you can get past this oddity, then you are in for a real old-school slash and titty (or tit-n'-slash) barganza. Pretty much there's a killer out there who's main idea (yes, killers, like paragraphs have main ideas. Get it wrong and you get a 300 on the verbal part of your S.A.T. like El Santo) is to hunt down pretty young girls who reside in the Big Apple and then kill them, usually with a knife, but sometimes just something handy and sharp.

He starts off in the pro-am circuit with general torso stabbings, but loses his Olympic hopes when he goes full on professional psycho with the use of an empty bottle (I believe in my heart it was a bottle of some full bodied merlot) to the poo-na-nay of victim number 2 or 3. I lost count and the Count didn't show up for the screening because he's strung out again. All those Sesame Street fucks are junkies now it seems. In the end, it's not the number, but the quality. There are some nice kills in here. Nothing clever or inventive really; just the time honored tradition of carving up live humans for pleasure and profit.

There are some great characters which I should tell you about if I were a responsible reporter of movie stuff, but I'm not responsible for shit. That's what I tell all my baby's mama's when they call looking for a fucking hand-out. They need to get a job. My job is done. They need to learn there are consequences in life, and the consequence of them having the best 90 seconds of pleasure with me, is 18 years of responsibility. But I digress, on with more important shit, like herpes. Cause they got that too. No really.

Now, many other reviews on the net use a word, but I will refrain from repeating it. I won't use the word misogynist because I don't know what it means, but I think that it has something to do with bendy girls who do flips and shit. I will use the word, poo-na-nay, because it means pussy, and I like it.

I want to try to catch up with the other reviews recently and say some curse words like, fuck, dammit, snot, pussy, motherfucker, and also some slurs, like "Puerto Ricans are lazy," and "You know she wanted it, look how she was dressed before she passed out." Now I think I'm on par for the site.

Factoid: The British Board of Film Censors found the film so shocking, that they had the film escorted by the police from their offices and straight to the airport and out fo the country.

Mangloid: A cross between the verb mangle and the adjective mangled = Your mama.

Reptoids: Not a man, not a beast. Google them now. PS: Your mama is a reptoid.

-Ookla the Mok

Our Rating System


Mr. Paul: "This one has it all. Broken bottle in cooch, freaky toe sex, creepy duck voice, face blown open, titty, it about brought a tear to my nut. If you're not ready for some heavy shit you might want to stay home with a bottle of chocolate moose and the latest issue of Honcho."


Z-man: "You know what they say: If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it's probably going to rape you to death with a broken whiskey bottle."


Ookla The Mok: "Go watch this movie, and then try it at home. On your mama. Not till I'm done with her though.."


General Zod: "Okay. I didn’t see this movie, but I saw the faces on the other Creeps when I walked in just as the closing credits began to roll, and that was worth the price of admission itself. I told you not touch Scrooge McDuck’s lucky dime, but you wouldn’t listen. D-d-danger right behind you. Th-there’s a stranger out to find you."