Night School
Year: 1981
Rated: R
Run Time: 88 minutes
Production Company: Lorimar
Director: Ken "Knuckleball" Hughes
Starring:Leonard Mann (baby), Drew Snyder, and the voluptuous pubic tart Rachel Ward
Yellow & Blue Make: Green

"Be-Head of the Class!"

My mama wasn't no dog, but she sure raised a son of a bitch. Now Eagle Te's mama got raped at gunpoint (by Santa), so technically that makes him a son of a gun. And you: you're sitting here in front of the computer at 1:00 AM reading a review of the 1980 proof pelvic slasher NIGHT SCHOOL on a Tuesday night, so I guess that makes you... well, more than a little bit embarassed. While all your friends (at least YOU call them friends, they call you "Sandy" and threw petrified cat turd at you during the step show) are all out picking up hotties down at the Crisis Center or huffing airplane glue with the guy who created Sim City, you're trying to find something to do until SEDUCE ME: PAMELA PRINCIPLE 2 comes on Skinemax at 2:30. Well, if you're looking for a 90 minute total body workout, I think Billy Blanks is over on channel 53 showing quadruple amputees how to perfect testicular TAE-BO... but if you're in the mood for something a bit more homicidal: nothing beats the heaving mammary decapithon known as NIGHT SCHOOL.

Now allow me to drippity-drop some Old World sass on your roodie-poo husker du buck-and-a-quarter type ass. So hear ye hear ye, bitch! Plot summation is in full (breasted) effect:

There's a headhunter stalking the urban campus of an all-girl college. But instead of the feather-wearing, loincloth-sporting, ostrich-bone-through-the-dick-having garden variety headhunter you've come to know and love courtesy of your wildlife treasury... this headhunter sports a black padded jumpsuit and a menacing motorcycle helmet complete with tinted visor. One by one, the nubile co-eds of the college are being hunted down and slaughtered: their heads inexplicably dumped in nearby bodies of water directly after decapitation. No girl is safe as the body (and head) count rises. A pair of local detectives are powerless to stop the bloody rampage as all their leads run into brick walls- and are faced with the grim prospect that the headhunting psychotic bastard could be ANYBODY! Could it be the sex-crazed master of pussy plunder Professor Millet? Or perhaps the face behind the visor belongs to Majorie Armand- the school's predatory lesbian dean? Or could that blade-swinging hellfuck turn out to be Eleanor Adjai: the tittilicious British-exchange student who just happens to be on Professor Millet's dick like Tina Youthers on welfare? Hell, maybe none of them are the killer and we can just blame it on Ernest Borgnine like we always do. But Egah! There are enough red herrings (and bushy brown snappers) flying around to call NIGHT SCHOOL a bonafide hip-hop whodunnit... that is, if Dr. Dre and Ed Lover were up in this motherfucker.

You see, here at NIGHT OF THE CREEPS, the titty content of our films come in four distinct sizes: medium, large, biggie, and Anna-Nicole Smith. While NIGHT SCHOOL misses the sought after A.N.S. rating by a nipple or two... it definitely delivers some solid pectoral poundage in the nubile form of saucy British cockgrappler Rachel Ward. It wasn't until the day AFTER we saw the flick that we were totally convinced that she wasn't ultra-fine 80s pubic-debutante KELLY LeBROCK. The sight of her milk-laden juggernauts prancing about in a totally transparent bra is a pretty good incentive to rent this fucker if nothing else (and I'm not even counting the hilarity where she falls prey to the red-pigmented power of the infamous "tribal shower fuck" scene).

There are a few gripes to be had with NIGHT SCHOOL. Besides the fact that Rachel Ward contracted AIDS in 1985 and died a toothless old hag in a French hospice run by transexual nuns in October of 1997 (and therefore has eliminated herself from the bountiful "approved to suck me off during WWF RAW's commercial breaks" list), the kills aren't really that gory. Here at NOTC we like our kills like we like our big bulbous breastesses: and that's in your face or, to be more accurate: in our face. Unfortunately, the kills in NIGHT SCHOOL were pretty meager. They were all committed with the same 12 inch banana-bladed "ghurka" knife and tended to comprise of someone staggering around knocking shit over while they were repeatedly slashed to death. Yawn. Even the first kill, where a victim was spun around on a mini merri-go-round at high speed before having her head lopped off in mid spin (highly entertaining too, by gum) was totally spoiled by a quick "cut away from the violence" shot. Boo hoo fuckin' hoo. This is serious blue-balling as far as straight-up gore goes... and my aching dong does not approve.

But to be fair, the real fun of the kills in NIGHT SCHOOL doesn't lie in the actual murders themselves... but what happens to the decapitated heads after they've been so lovingly seperated from their bodies. Remember, the killer is compelled to submerge the severed head into a body of water immediately after death- so we get a bunch of hilarious situations out of it. One chick has her head slam dunked into a toilet. A waitress gets her head tossed into a diner's gigantic stew pot and some truck drivers find a bit more than hair in their soup. A co-ed that works at the aquarium gets her head tossed into the sea turtle exhibit, where it nearly decapitates an unsuspecting loggerhead(!) before getting eaten by the hungry critters! Shit... just seeing people's reactions when they discover the severed heads makes for some rock solid entertainment.

Bottom line? NIGHT SCHOOL does skimp on some of the gore that you jaded fucks out there will demand- and as a result a lot of the kills will seem pretty light-weight. But when you factor in the creativity of the head-dunking, the fact that the chick you really want to see strip naked DOES, and the utterly bizarre sexual subplots of the nympho anthropology teacher & lesbian dean: you get one hell of an Old School lesson in 80s style GUTS & GLORY. So make like Dr. Kevorkian and give this old fucker a shot!


Our Rating System

Z-man: "Anybody remember the opening scene of THE EQUALIZER? This flick would have probably received 4-stars if the proud owner of those bodacious tits turned out to be Kelly LeBrock- but then only because I was high on pig fumes at the time. As it stands (thundering mantis stance), NIGHT SCHOOL is a surprisingly enjoyable Old World slasher despite a low body count and generic methods of death."

Eagle Te: "Point 1: Kelly LeBrock look alike gets wildly and tribalisticly FUCKED in a shower by her college professor. Point 2: Female Dean comforts female student who was taken advantage of sexually (by the same professor) by introducing her to the world of LESBIAN SEX. That by itself warrants two stars and the coolness of the killer and some of the fright moments warrant the rest. The only thing that keeps this from a full four stars is the lack of gore but to hell with that... I'm off to jerk it to that shower scene again!"