Run Time: 96 minutes
Production Company: Arista Films
Director: Christopher Reynolds
Starring: Loretta Leigh Bowman, Michael Chism, and Richard A. Buswell
T & A: Hell No
Best Boy Grip: Michael Ironsides
Every once in awhile you meet a person like John. Sensitive. Creative. Silent. Deadly. And I'm not talking about Col. John Matrix, you bastards. I'm talking about the tormented genius that is John Radley, the kick ass killer in Offerings, which has rapidly become one of the all time favorite horror flicks viewed by the turds here at NOTC in quite a long time! Yes, Eagle Te was quite impressed by the refreshing creativity that young John exhibited as he exacted cruel revenge on his childhood tormentors and you will be too should you be able to find this rare gem of a horror movie in your local video store. But let us not get ahead of ourselves. Te senses a thousand questions running through your mind. What could have driven young John to such fits of depravity and madness? What makes him such a creative genius? Is it true that Eagle Te's cock puts oaks to shame? If John comes to our town, what should we expect? Well, to answer the last question in the immortal words of Gen. Kirby describing Col. John Matrix in Commando, "World War III!"
The plot line of Offerings runs something like this, young John is a quiet boy who forgoes speaking forever when his dad ups and leaves him with his bitch mother who lovingly tells him that he will never amount to anything! John has one true friend in this world, a young girl named Gretchen who looks past his creepiness to offer him the one true gift a woman can offer. Poontang? Well...no...make that the second true gift a woman can offer. Cooking and cleaning? No damn it...Going down on her supermodel best friend? ENOUGH! The answer is friendship...yes, FRIENDSHIP, that virtue that you are supposed to value more than her bearded Hot Pocket, you fiends! Well, she gives it, despite the cruel taunts they both must endure from the local neighborhood kids who enjoy nothing more than taunting young John. Well, one day, the kids' taunts become too much for him and he accepts their challenge to try to walk arounf the edge of a well without falling in. SO what happens? Naturally, he falls in and like all good responsible kids do when faced with trouble, they quickly haul ass and abandon him! Flash forward twenty years, and young John is still silent and now a member of the local looney bin while Gretchen has blossomed into tan and nubile womanhood! Well, naturally, John escapes and returns to town to exact revenge on his now teenage tormentors from long ago, and in the process, reward young Gretchen with grisly offerings from his kills!
So now the obvious question comes to light, does it suck? The answer is HELL NO! If you remember anything from this review, remember that Te is the undisputed Master of the Bedroom. If you remember anything else, remember that this movie is unbelievably awesome as it's feel and original kills make for countless hilarious moments and overall ambience that puts in competition with such greats as Slaughter High and Pieces! What makes this flick so good? First of all, the kills in this one are fucking awesome as they display a creativity that hasn't been seen in quite a long time! Need an example? How about the poor dumb bastard who decides to look out the window to investigate a strange noise and gets a quick noose around the neck that yanks him out the room and hangs him all in one deft motion! Trust me, it's impressive! Other kills are simply hilarious as we are treated to such group favorites as the new nurse taking a quick syringe to the forehead (complete with drawing of blood and brain matter...mmmmm), dork being dragged beneath the bed and SHOT, standard hussy getting her head twisted around, and a good friend being the "mystery meat" on the pizza! The scene that simply takes the cake, however, is the unbelievably funny vise scene! MY GOD! This scene goes in the all time top ten at least as this poor bastard is ambushed by John in the tool shed and has his head placed in a vise. Trapped in the pincer like grip of the vise, the poor victim is subjected to John trying to dispatch him with various implements of tool shed death that just don't seem to meet with his fancy. All in all, a chainsaw, a power drill, and a head trimmer are paraded in front of his face before he finally decides! In the end, John decides to go with the sporting squeeze of the vise as he uses a hammer to turn the handle tighter and tighter until his head explodes like a grape! People, the cut scene of bloody goop hitting the wall has to be seen to be believed as it will have you rolling with laughter it's so cheap! Besides the kills, all the characters in this one are perfect and complete with hilarious dialogue! The sheriff stands out as one of the best as he is this big, fat country dude who looks like a bloated Al from Home Improvement and dispenses fair and impartial justice on the community like ambushing horny adolescents with their porno mags and keeping them for himself! KICK ASS! Also impressive is the overall feel that this movie conveys throughout as you are treated to a strange ripoff of Halloween that WORKS and has you watching the film with utter pride that such filth is gracing your screen! Even the theme music is ripped off by playing it a key lower! And the end...OH GOD! People, listen to me! The end of this movie is possibly one of the most shameless and hilarious that I have ever seen.
IF YOU WANT TO KNOW THE ENDING CLICK HERE, if not: read on!
In the end, Offerings stands as one of those hard to find but must see horror movies from the 80s that stand as a shining monument to just the type of horror movie we are looking for! Make no mistake, Offerings will have you laughing yourself shitless much like the original Slumber Party Massacre and Slaughter High and this is A MUST SEE MOVIE IF YOU CAN FIND IT! The only downside to this is that there is absolutely no titty (although we are treated to classis teen make out action, complete with such stupid horny dialogue as, "You feel soooo GOOD!") but seeing as how most of our readers are fat and pathetic no pussy getting motherfuckers, you can just lift that Final Fantasy VII shirt of yours and lick on your own! EAGLE TE APPROVES!!!!
Our Rating System
Z-man: "It's not Halloween: it's a knock off. And a damn funny one at that. Not since mom got King Slender to come to my 8th birthday at Showbiz Pizza have I had this much fun with my pants on. The psychotic killer is a slice of Americana that we can all relate to. Good sir, I fly my pantaloons at half mast today to mourn your passing."
Eagle Te: "A perfect gem of a movie with kick ass characters, cool kills and quite poassibly the best ending in any horror film...it left Te feeling emotionally vulnerable, much like when He Man would wrestle with Cringer..."
El Santo: "Seeing as how his wack mestizo ass fell asleep during one of the best flicks to grace Eagle Te's nest of horrors in months.... EL SANTO would like to invite you to check out his personal penile paradise: POLAR WORLD.