Phantasm 2
Year: 1988
Rated: R
Run Time: 97 minutes
Production Company: Universal Pictures
Director: Don Coscarelli (Phantasm, Phantasm III, Phantasm IV, Beastmaster)
Starring: James LeGros, Reggie Bannister, and Angus Scrimm as "The Tall Man"
T & A: Hell Yes
Ain't Got Time: To Bleed



"The Ball Is Back!"






For anyone who has seen any of the fantastic Phantasm movies, you know that they offer only the best in mindless stupidity without any regard for plot, sense, or taste. For this simple reason these films stand among the elite few that qualify as our favorites here at NOTC. Phantasm 2 is no exception. As a matter of fact, Phantasm 2 stands as the BEST film in the entire series and anyone who STILL has not seen this classic bad horror movie deserves to be mercilessly flogged with piano wire by your local chapter of the Gay Sons of Roman Veterans and thrown into the pit of oral woe with the other whores who deemed themselves too proper to experience this mind blowing flick!

Some of you might be asking," Okay, so what's the plot?" While some may say that this is a stupid question, I would respond the there are NO stupid questions, only stupid people. So for all you retards out there, here it is: Mike and everybody's favorite kick ass ice cream man from the original (and unknown Doobie Brother), Reggie, engage in a cross country hunt for the Tall Man and his munchkin minions after they roast Reggie's family in a giant inferno that will have you laughing your ass off when you see the look on Reggie's face! It's like he caught his Mom in bed with his sister...you have to see it to believe it! What ensues is a cross country spree of ass kicking that is nothing but scene after scene of munchkin stomping, death ball dodging mayhem that has to be not only seen, but experienced as well!

Now that you know the plot, drop your cocks and FUCKING RENT THIS MOVIE NOW YOU RETARDED BASTARDS! This movie simply has it all and stands as one of the best bad movies EVER MADE! Stupid dialogue, mutant midgets, bad ass weapons, death bearing steel balls, and TITTIES are all here and thrust into nearly every scene. I know what you're thinking. How can titties be in every scene? Well, when there aren't female titties on the screen, REGGIES' out of shape ass provides tits aplenty when the females aren't able to provide! Some of the outstanding scenes in this one that have to be seen to consider yourself a true bad horror movie fan are the chainsaw duel scene, the battle with the steel balls when one of the Tall Man's henchmen has his hand pinned by the bastard and takes desperate measure to escape the second steel ball flying round the corner, the awesome reaction of Grandma when she discovers a special companion that is sleeping in the bed with her, and the awesome final battle with the Tall Man that will be rewound a least a dozen times to see one of the best endings ever made. Also, if all of this isn't enough, you have to see this movie for the ridiculous and awesome weapons that Reggie and Mike create to combat the Tall Man and his army of darkness. The shotgun ranks as one of the coolest ideas to ever grace the bad movie scene. And if for some reason you don't agree then me and the Tall Man have a little agreement to deal with your slobbering bitch ass. In exchange for a Kit Kat, your mother will handcuff herself to her ankles while six of those freaky steel balls will all attach to a single string which the Tall Man will slowly insert into her worn out anus one by one. While your mother is screaming in ecstacy, I will be playing the theme to Airwolf on my CASIO 2000 keyboard and enjoying hearing your mother scream homage to Eagle Te as the SUPREME KUNG FU GENIUS! SO WATCH IT NOW YOU FREAK OR ME AND THE TALL MAN WILL COME A CALLING AND EAT ALL YOUR BOO-BERRY CEREAL! Eagle Te Approves!

-Eagle Te

Our Rating System


Mr. Paul: "A masterpiece of violence and midget bashing complete with gore, titty, and a four barreled shotgun. Watch for the Ice Cream Man being Jack be Nimble during a furious chainsaw showdown. You can not afford to miss this fantastic film."


Z-man: "Any movie that celebrates the wholesale slaughter of midgets automatically gets four stars with me- but PHANTASM 2 does it with so much class it's fucking sick! Lots of sloppy gore, renegade midget assassin monks, flopping hitchhiker titties, and a four barrelled shotgun are combined to make one supreme horror flick that's not to be missed! Give your grandma a dildo for Christmas if you must- but DON'T MISS THIS ONE!"


Eagle Te: "Awesome weapons, freaky Tall Man, titties, flying balls of death, and pointless plot and dialogue make for a bad horror movie lover's dream! For those who don't agree...EAT A DICK!"


El Santo: "It had floating balls of death and a chick who's dick riding skills would make anyone proud. Not mention demonic midgets who run around and get hit with heavy objects. All in all, a good clean family movie!"


General Zod: "What a night--hard, shiny balls, undead midgets, and rough sex. Now, about the movie. This one's a guaranteed winner. It's non-stop entertainment, and Reggie is the quintessence of what an action hero should be. Hey mouse, say cheese."








THE PHANTASM WEBSITE

For those of you completely addicted to all things Phantasm, this is the site that's guaranteed to slake your thirst for wanton bloodletting, kamikazee zombie dwarves, and metallic spheroid face busters. It's the official PHANTASM web page...and it sure as hell shows. Quotes, interviews, sound and video clips, an an overall polished feel combine to make this the definitive Phantasm page on this island Earth. Check it out at all costs!