Phantasm 3: Lord of the Dead
Run Time: 91 minutes
Production Company: Universal Pictures
Director: Don Coscarelli (Phantasm, Phantasm II, Phantasm IV, Beastmaster)
Starring: Michael Baldwin, Reggie Bannister, and Angus Scrimm as "The Tall Man"
T & A: Hell Yes
You pissed your pants at the end of the first one...you creamed your BVD's during the second one...well get ready to shit yourself senseless when you pop in Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead! No shit people, Phantasm III carries on the tradition of the first two phenomenal Phantasm movies with utter disregard for taste or class...and that's why we love it so much! Not only do you get to see more ball busting action and special effects, but you also get to see black titties, an utter rarity in the annals of horror films! If you don't believe me, then go ahead and toss out the last horror movie that you saw some black titties in and I'll give you an action photo of Eagle Te in his low rider stance! But before I give too much of the movie away, here is a quick plot summary:
Picking up where the last Phantasm left off, we find out that the Tall Man wasn't killed in the second one like we were all so foolish to believe. On the contrary, he is alive and kicking it and back to wreck havoc on Mike and Reggie once again. Oh, did I forget to mention? Reggie's back as well. If you were foolish enough to believe that a character as cool as Reggie would die, then you deserve to have the spheres pop out of your urine stream after a long night of humping your mom. The fact is that he is back and along with Mike they continue their senseless cross-country quest to put a stop to the Tall Man and his spheres of death once and for all! Oh, and did I forget to mention? They have a few friends this time around as well in the form of Mike's long dead brother Jody, a well armed kid whose parents were killed by the Tall Man and his balls of STEEL, and an absolutely phenomenal black girl named Rocky who not only rocks ass, but rocks Reggie's ass as well! That's right kiddies, Reggie's got !
With all of these kick ass elements, Phantasm III takes off from the very begining and doesn't let up until the credits start to roll! All of the mindless action that we here at NOTC have grown to love and adore in the Phantasm films is here in full effect! There are several scenes in this film that are simply priceless and demand to be seen. One of these golden moments occurs in the beginning of the film where we are finally allowed to see the vaunted four barreled shotgun used to full effect. The carnage that ensues once Reggie begins blasting the trees to clear out the midgets is incredible and satisfies every craving that I have ever had to destroy the little people...those little bastards with their pudgy hands, turbo waddle style of walking, big ass dicks and crazy cool charm...fucking your woman while you're hard at work perfecting your lotus nut grabber technique at the dojo...DIE YOU LITTLE BASTARDS, DIE! OK, easy Te, you're past that man! You're a strong, sensitive Kung Fu villain with ultra fresh breath and DAMN IT, whole provinces cringe at the mention of your name...plus your sucking on Jennifer Love Hewitt-Te's huge titties...OK, I feel a whole lot better, Now back to the review. Are there any more scenes worth a shit, you ask? Well hold on to your sphincters because this movie is chock full of them! Another scene that is well worth your time is the hospital scene in the beginning of the film. When Reggie takes a nice fat yellow splooge shot in the mouth from one of those crazy spheres the look on his face is classic as his face contorts in a hilarious mixture of fear and revolt! Or if that's not good enough for you you should try the tomahawk to the face scene when the kid is about to be captured. But without a doubt, the best part of the entire movie is the mausoleum scene where Reggie, Rocky and the kid take on the Tall Man and his minions. Once you see the sphere hit Mach 5 and fly through this one chick's face you will be in Bad Movie heaven as the effect is so awesome as to leave you in hysterical awe! I just can't seem to say enough about Phantasm III. Although there are a few slow parts in the film, overall it never fails to deliver the same mindless and hilarious stupidity that the other two films do and continues the tradition of the Phantasm movies to deliver you shameless and memorable scenes that rank among the best in bad horror movies today! For those of you who don't agree, eat a dick. Or better yet, me and the Tall Man are going to make an encore appearance in your mother's bedroom...just like when you refused to watch Phantasm II. Only this time, the Teletubbies will be running the train on you mother's ass while the Tall Man does the Dirty Bird to Eagle Te's Casio Keyboard interpretation of Salt N Pepas' "Push It." Save yourself this horror and rent this movie now! EAGLE TE DEFINITELY APPROVES!
Our Rating System
Mr. Paul: "Goddamn! Those chocolate titties shot milk in my eye. They were bitter sweet like a Special Dark and they could go all night long. However, don't watch this one with Grandma... she might get some kinky ideas."
Z-man: "Though Lord of the Dead is probably the slowest of all the Phantasms to date: don't let that slow you down one fucking bit. There are so many priceless scenes of midget mayhem and cannonball face annihilation that you'll be too busy wiping puke off your Lando Calrissian PJ ensemble to give a shit. Take it to the bridge!"
Eagle Te: "Another excellent chapter in the Phantasm series that delivers some of the more memorable scenes in the series. Better not watch it with your Grandma though as the Tall Man is guaranteed to get her old pussy wet....ohhhhh so wet...ummmm!"
El Santo: "Pending"
General Admission: "Holy shit. It just keeps getting better. This one's the best in the series thus far, and I don't care what your therapist says; Nunchakus and blacksploitation do mix."
| THE PHANTASM WEBSITE||
For those of you completely addicted to all things Phantasm, this is the site that's guaranteed to slake your thirst for wanton bloodletting, kamikazee zombie dwarves, and metallic spheroid face busters. It's the official PHANTASM web page...and it sure as hell shows. Quotes, interviews, sound and video clips, an an overall polished feel combine to make this the definitive Phantasm page on this island Earth. Check it out at all costs!