Mil Gritos Tiene la Noche
Run Time: 90 minutes
Production Company: Spectacular Film Productions
Director: Juan Piquer Simon
Starring: Christopher George, Edmond Burtom, Paul George
T & A: Hell Yes
Now You're Playing With: Yourself
When one thinks of Spain... bloody chainsaw massacres and heaving piles of dismembered corpses aren't exactly the first things that come to mind. But hot diggity damn if they won't be after you sit down with your favorite coven of Alabama Crotch Gnomes and watch "PIECES". What started out as a mild mannered Devil's Experiment at the local QUALITY VIDEO soon blossomed into a full-on Collegiate Chainsaw Holocaust once the lights went out in Georgia and some dumb bastard mashed PLAY. Nobody expected PIECES to be anything more than a mindless slasher with a few cheap kills and the occassional renegade titty. Oh how wrong we were! PIECES was a limb loppin', titty floppin', head choppin' bloodbath that didn't take no for an answer and made the bitch pay! Besides that time last week when OOKLA THE MOK gave birth to that litter of little moklings (and we stomped them all to death), PIECES is one of the more pleasant surprises around NOTC HQ in recent weeks... and one that definitely deserves honorable mention considering it was made by the hairy mantaurs of the rugged Spainish wilderness and STILL managed to kick hardcore ass here in the Forbidden Zone of dope, guns, and fucking that all of us yahoos call the U.S.A.
But you still seem unconvinced. Why just last week you sampled some Spanish cuisine, and that tore through your colon faster than shit through a goose. Why should you believe that PIECES, yet another import from our former Iberian Spice Lords, should be any different? Well sit back and kick off those orthopedic shoes that your mom bought you and witness the glory of the PIECES plotline!
Back in 1942, as the blitzkrieg raged and the bodies stank all across Europe, a young boy in Boston was busy assembling a JIGSAW PORNO that he found in his daddy's closet. Just as he was about to add the final piece of the puzzle, and complete this panoramic masterpiece of nubile femininity with a well-placed piece of ass, mom bursts in and proceeds to tell the kid what a piece of shit he is. She kicks his puzzle across the room, smacks him upside his little mongoloid head, and tells him to get the hell out of her sight. Junior does just that... then returns with an axe and butchers mommy dearest like a fucking hog. The police are baffled. The kid gets sent away. The city (as well as your ass) is rocked with horror.
Flash forward 40 years to 1982. Horny American college students are doing what they do best: drinking, fucking, and getting murdered by bloodthirsty psychopaths. That's right... a strange rash of brutal murders are plaguing a prestigeous American University. Beautiful college co-eds are turning up all over with certain vital parts of their anatomy removed by what seems to be some sort of chainsaw. Although it takes a good 20 minutes for Lt. Bracken and Sgt. Hoden to rule out suicide after the first headless corpse turns up on campus... they soon realize that they are dealing with a madman. The tension grows as the police detectives make the horrible realization that the killer is trying to BUILD THE PERFECT WOMAN with a myriad of pieces from different victims! The film soon degenerates into a vicious little hip-hop whodunnit as one by one, new characters are suspected of commiting the horrible crimes as the body count begins to pile up. Who is the mysterious killer? Could it be the 400 pound gardening behemoth WILLARD? The pseudo-homosexual anatomy teacher PROFESSOR BROWN (played by the DIABOLICAL JACK TAYLOR)? The seemingly innocent College Dean...who is inexplicably also named DEAN? The resident KUNG FU PROFESSOR (!) MR. CHOW? Or maybe (just maybe) the campus sex machine KENDALL? The list of possible suspects are as retarded as they are diabolical...and you can bet your ass that this flick will keep you guessing til the blood-soaked climax and UNIMAGINABLY SHOCKING FINAL SCENE.
It's really tough to convey what a comple shocker this flick was in a simple review like this. The film treats all of its subject matter with 100% deadpan seriousness, despite the fact that it's so fucking retarded, and that's what adds to it so much! There are several bits of dialogue that will have you hitting rewind they're so unbelievable...and our hero has some of the BEST facial expressions ever captured on video. Dear Christ! The kills, which are gruesome as hell, are only magnified as you try to guess which body part this next voluptuous female is going to sureender to the killer's saw before they croak! Nudity abounds in PIECES, and there are plenty of ta-tas akimbo to keep all of you freakish little pubescent trolls satisfied when no one is getting their fucking arms lopped off or decapitated (which isn't too often). Completely ludicrous in both dialogue and kills... PIECES is one of the truly underground classics that is residing around NOTC's fetid catacombs. If you are fortunate enough to ever find this truly diseased and ultra-violent slasher flick from our main men in Madrid, CHECK IT OUT AT ALL COSTS! The ending sequence is easily worth the price of a rental by itself. NO SHIT. Not since the sanity-shredding finale of SLEEPAWAY CAMP demolished our prozac-softened sensibilities back in the day has an NOTC review team been left so speechless at the shocking ending! Slaves to Darkness, hear me now: PIECES makes a great main course for your next bad movie get together. Violent, sleazy, and dumber than shit: the three things that got America where it is today!
Our Rating System
Mr. Paul: "Goddamn! This is one of the best flicks I've seen in a long time. Hardcore everything including that sweaty workout bush spillover. Don't let this one slip ast you, import it if you must... and wear a cup."
Z-Man: "A hardcore cult classic that has been largely lost to the ages. Restore its glory by renting it today! That damn chainsaw wielding loony is guaranteed to steal your heart... and your arms...and your head..."
Eagle Te: "Everyone has seen this one in the video store and passed it by. WELL DON'T! This movie rocks serious ass and if you enjoy cheap and senseless chainsaw massacres like we do, then Pieces WILL NOT DISAPPOINT! THE END SCENE IS VERY DISTURBING and the simple fact that the faggot priest that got brutalized by Conan in CONAN THE BARBARIAN is the pussy slamming college professor in this one make this a MUST SEE for any bad horror movie fan!"
El Santo: "Me gusta el DICKO FATTO. El assholo solo. Goin' down on BOLO."
Ookla De La Mok: "PIECES? I wish they were Reese's."
General Zod: "Holy Shit ..... Holy Shit!"
Gehirn Hitler sagt: "Geben Sie mer einiges titty, baby!"