Run Time: 97 minutes
Production Company: USA Films
Director: David N. Twohy (The Arrival)
Starring: Vin Diesel, Radha Mitchell, Keith David, Ric Flair, Little Nature
Co-Starring:Cole Hauser, Firass Dirani, and Sam Sari as "Gay Cyclist #2"
T & A: Not even
Body Count: 10
Twinkle twinkle, little slut.
For twenty bucks, you'll eat my butt.
For twenty more you'll gladly sit,
upon my face: and take a shit.
That's my special Valentine's Day monster ballad for you. Sure it might not sound like much, but neither does The Foot Clan... until it's too late. So laugh all you want, honky: the joke is in your pants.
But I digress. Here at NOTC we're not here to insult. We're here to educate. In that regard, we're just like public high school- only we've got fewer guns. Today's lunch is Beef Tips, Okra, Jungle Sack, and Fruit Cup.... and today's subject is PITCH BLACK.
Yes, PITCH BLACK dammit. And no , it's not what dyslexic pimps give their ho's when they don't have all the money... and no, it has nothing to do with any of the Wayans playing baseball. PITCH BLACK just so happens to be the title of Hollywood's latest big-fucking-space-monster -alien-hasbroid-replicant-go ninja go ninja go- cryosleeping-stasis-craft- crashland-negaverse- power-up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-B-A-select-START jugglin' those nuts in your motherfuckin mouth-type action smash. Out there, somewhere in the dark uncharted territory between Penus and Uranus lies PITCH BLACK: a movie that packs more bounce to the ounce than Black Abobo on welfare.
I am Sci Fi.
And it's a good thing too, goddammit... otherwise I probably would have walked out of PITCH BLACK and demanded my money back... or at least a chance to wrestle Chyna's clit with my face for the European Title on SMACKDOWN. But to be honest, seeing aliens kill people and fight over their scraps gets me horny- just like CROSSBOWS & CATAPULTS. So if you're like me... your mom missed you with the coathanger.... but chances are you'll appreciate a movie like PITCH BLACK just the same. Just understand two things, you bloody Hindu: this isn't your father's oldmosbile and it sure as fuck ain't no slasher/splatter/handicapped barndance flick. It's one of them sci-fi original type productions: complete with boosters and fuel pods and pulsewave pussy ions and shit. So, if you can handle that... you probably weigh somewhere in the neighborhood of 250-300 pounds and play Magic: The Gathering in your spare time. Anyway, fuck you and your artifact: here's the (oreo double) stuff.
If you're ever trapped in a sci-fi movie aboard a spaceship: go ahead and shed spread that country crotch, because bitch- you're fucked. You're either going to get attacked by aliens, crash into some unknown world, or have a virus uploaded into your ship computer by Jeff Goldblum and fucking explode. As you can imagine, the crew of the deep space transport ship Hunter-Gratzner thanked Buddha's left nut when they merely crash landed on an uncharted desert planet... well at the 12 who survived did. The other 30 who got mangled in the twisted burning wreckage of the craft as it went down thought it sucked a big fat dick. Of course, the handful of survivors soon find out that this barren world is really home to a host of ravenous alien beasts. The good news is: the monsters are nocturnal... and this planet has three suns. The bad news is: it's time for a total eclipse... and that guy at the concession stand just made fun of your FUBU power action relay suit.
Of course, movie monsters are only as good as the people (or pussy) they eat... so let's look at the PITCH BLACK MENU, shall we?
Futuristic Space Muslim on a Pilgrimage to New Mecca: And if you can say that shit with a straight face I'll give you ten dollars. The Koran instructs pilgrims to refrain from sex, angry words, obscenities, and kiling while on pilgrimage... so you know this stupid bastard is going to be about as much fun as tits on a goose. Actually, that sounds pretty damn fun. Nevermind.
Three Minor Pilgrims: Actually, they're Biology minors: they just pretend they're Muslim to get the pussy and hang with Ton Loc. Anyway, these guys don't even have names that I can pronounce: a guarantee that they'll be fucking dead inside 30 minutes or your money back.
Homosexual Antique Guy: He's got antiques. He's got game (Super Ghouls 'n' Ghosts). He's also got too much booty in the pants. You laugh... but what you got? That's right... a D in history.
Pilot: Gets hit by flying pylon in opening sequence and dies. I got hit by a hush puppy in the opening sequence of WHITE SQUALL and survived. Why God why? It should have been me out there!
Whiny Co-Pilot Bitch: Even though she tried to jettison all of the passengers to save her own ass during the crash (the lever was stuck... in Rube Goldberg's ass)... she feels really guilty about it later on. I guess that's why she ate that whole fucking bucket of Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Cookie Dough Ice Cream I had in the fridge. Fat bitch!
Grubby Engineer Bitch: Good with her hands, better with mashed potatoes and gravy on that bush. She's also pretty handy with tools. This may account for the monkeywrench she has stuck up her ass. Still. I'd fuck her. What an honor!
Obnoxious Child: I'd fuck her. No wait... what state are we in again? Mississippi? SCORE!
Aborigine: At first I thought that this was the bartender from Boogie Nights... but somebody told me that he was Mexican or Cuban or Lesbian or some shit. Like that keeps him from being in outer space or something.
Bounty Hunter/Lawman: Your standard Marshall Bravestarr type... except for the fact he's a drug addict... and doesn't have Eyes of the Hawk, Ears of the Wolf, Strength of the Bear, or Speed of the Puma. However, he does have Dick of the Bugbear.... and if you thought that was funny, make a Saving Throw vs. Fat Cock In Mouth.
Serial Killer / Escaped Convict: Easily the best character in the movie, next to the various females that I would sleep with if they were dead. This is your average musclebound super-soldier type. He's got nightvision, hightened senses, and a sitcom on the WB. Anyway, just like SMART GUY, he's got some pretty decent one-liners... and is personally responsible for a some ropy instestines getting screentime. Our vote for MVP.
So that's the fucking victim base. Decent enough. It really is too bad that the aliens aren't too exciting. Their gimmick is that they "see" by using echo-location, just like Ray Charles. Personally, I find Ray Charles a bit scarier... especially when he's designated driver.
The bottom line? It's called an asscrack. But all in all, PITCH BLACK isn't all bad. Considering just about everything in this bitch is computer-generated, the special effects are pretty fucking good. But you didn't come here to here about special effects, didja? You came here to learn about tits, ass, a reversal for the sharpshooter, and blood spattered body counts. Well bitch: peep this. There's no titty. There's no ass. And there's no escape from the dreaded sharpshooter... unless you can roll it over into a Scorpion Death Lock. And the deaths? The kills are usually shrouded in darkness... so it's tough to tell if someone just got their head bitten off or got a B on their Spanish test. As a result, a lot of gore gets skimped on... so bloodhounds best bring a saggy tampon to quench their thirst for jugular juice. Of course, if you're walking into PITCH BLACK looking for horror of any kind you're gonna get your ass burned. Just like that fat bitch at school with the FARSCAPE team badge, this is sci-fi. Keep that in mind when you fork over $6.50 for this shit.
Our Rating System
Mr. Paul: "Don't walk into the theatre... run. Better yet Nollie to fakie McTwist-BackFlip-Upper lip and land into a fat chronic Bluntslide. It may not have the same moves as Gleaming the Cube, or drop caps in Vanilla Ice, but it does have Sug Knight via satallite. If you're expecting the powerful drama of Andre or the play antics of Boiler Room then you're a fucking idiot. It's generic Sci-fi fool."
Z-man: "With enough computer generated alien maulings to make Busta Rhymes flipmode down the fucking stairs and break his hip-hop, PITCH BLACK makes a respectable showing for a science fiction flick- but that's about it. Hardcore horror fans should use tact and Guile.... unless fighting Sagat."
Eagle Te: "Patent Pending"
Elsanto: "My top three issues with this movie: 1) Little girl pretends to be little boy 2) Glow Worms save the day 3) If your Black or you glow in the dark, your safe from the "Pitch Black" My Advice, if you want to see "Pitch Black", then ask your momma to spread her legs!!!!"
General Zod: "Pendin"