Run Time: 86 minutes
Production Company: Suburban Tempe Entertainment
Director: J.R. Bookwalter (DEAD NEXT DOOR, OZONE, BLOODLETTING)
Starring: James L. Edwards, Ariauna Albright, Tom Hoover, and Sasha "How Do They Cram All That" Graham
T & A:T3: Turbo Titty Tease Plus Alpha
Remember that day that will live in infamy? Yeah, you remember. It bites deep into your soul every time there's a cold December wind. You wake up at night in a cold sweat hearing the screams, the cries, and the laughter of those bastards. I know it hurts, but it needs to be discussed. Only after identifying your fears can you charge past them and move on with your life. We all remember, and all of us have dealt with it in our own way. Yes, the day I'm refering to is the fateful night you were slain by an elf +2. It evokes such emotion that sometimes you have to take a second and reflect before you can move on with the rest of your day. It mind fucks you so hard that while you're eating dinner in a nice resturant you see Dungeon Master sitting next to you in his Yoda-like stance mocking your pain. Reminding you... you're a failure.
Events like these leave a painful impression that doesn't subside like hitting a small child with a car or breaking your sister's arm because she called you 'Tasty'. Yes they're hard, but they can be overcome with long and intensive psycho-shock treatment. And my purpose here today, is to help prevent another traumatizing event from occuring. That event is Polymorph.
"But Paul... (uh... that's MR. PAUL to you bitch). Polymorph is a movie, not an event."
You poor naive bastard. That's what we thought when we put that tape it. However, we soon realized, Polymorph is the devil. But before I instill in you the necessary skills that can help you avoid such a travesty, I'll tell you what this shit heap entails:
Aliens are cruising over Earth and they decide to drop off their lovable Polymorph into the murky bog located in the woods. Little does the polymorph know that in a cabin in the woods is a coked up bitch with more paranoia than a pothead at the policemen's ball. In addition to the black militant lesbian listening to some Jethro Tull in the cabin there is a security gaurd, Bob, and Martin Clark... Doctor of Science, and a few interns coming to the woods to make-out with their girlfriends.
...oh yes... the girlfriends. There are two interns which are coming to assisst Dr. Science here in the woods. One of the interns, Matt, decides to bring his girlfriend, Lolita, and a girl for the other intern, Ted. In between Polymorph attacks, Ted and his new found flame, Tankaray, discuss their feelings. Ted explains how he was jilted, and that he carries a lighter, not to remind him of her, but to remind him to never get hurt again. It's sweet... I mean it... No, I'm serious.
From their mafia bosses show up with grenades. The Doctor of Science gets killed. Bats terrorize Lou Diamond Phillip's small Texas town. And the interns and the mafia team up to kill the polymorph. After the polymorph has been discovered it assumes the characteristics of different people -No, there's no cool morphing effects. These people are subsequently killed in a variety of fashion. Generic bullet to the head, bullet in the head ricochetting out of the head and into the head of the shooter, explosions, chest wound, backbreaker D-lux. All manner of death is discovered.
Meanwhile at the entrance to the woods, Polymorph sucked dick. I wasn't sure if was clear on that. In fact much of this review is unclear. P-U-S-S-why? Because that is the only way I can impress upon you the full power of polymorph. The only redeeming quality to this movie is the comic book cuts that say shit like: "Meanwhile" and "Time to kick Ass!" That's really not a lot in the movies favor. However, for all you aspiring filmmakers out there. If this pile of shit was created and made its way to us, then you chances are your pile of shit can too.
Our Rating System
Mr. Paul: "The real tragedy behind all off this is when Z-Man threw me a sweet potato pie and it fell behind the sofa. Damn"
Z-man: "You know what they say: you never forget your first polymorph (or your first magic missile). Of course, don't they say the same thing about your first gang rape?"
Marquis De Sade: "If you were a alien slug thing and could become any one of three big-tittied bitches, wouldn't you take your clothes off? Why doesn't the Polymorph???"
And Special Guest Referee...
Frankie Dupont: "In essence, I've had root canals that were more enjoyable. If you think about it, there are many different ways you can waste a fucking hour of your life. This should not be one of them. A movie of this caliber should take advantage of the tit-potential that was evident, and it didn't. I think I would rather grind my nuts with a cheese grater than sit through it again. No, I'm sure I would."
POLYMORPH: YE OLD SHIT LISTE INDUCTEE (10/28/99)