Run Time:90+ minutes
Production Company: UAA Film Ltd.
Director: Jeff Burr (Night of the Scarecrow, Puppet Master 4, Puppet Master 5, Leatherface: TCM III)
Starring: Ami Dolenz, Soliel Moon Frye, Linnea Quigley, Mountain Man
T & A: Linnea Quigley
Amazing Grace: Come Sit On My Face
DAMN YOU, JOE MUSASHI. I timed the jump on the Lobster Blue Stage perfectly but your lack of parallel skill failed me. I swear to God if you miss that jump again, bitch, I'll defect to Neo Zeed and take the job as Level 5 sub boss that Masked Ninja offered me yesterday. And don't even think of using that faggoty Ninja Magic on me either as my Sega 3-D glasses will deflect that weak ass shit on to your mother's ample bush. There is something else troubling Te as well. It's that most of you bastards with your damn N'Sync albums and "I Know What You Did Last Summer is the greatest horror movie of all time and who the hell is Micheal Myers I want my Outkast tickets now cause they the BOMB" attitudes probably don't even know who the fuck Joe Musashi is. Here's a little knowledge, BITCH, from the Book of Te...Joe Musashi happens to be the name of the ninja known as Shinobi, that masterful arcade/Sega Master System game that not only tested one's endurance but prepared one for the arduous journey we call life. Don't believe me? You take on the Ring of Five with Ken Oh, Black Turtle, Mandara, Lobster, and Masked Ninja and see if you talk that shit again. Until you feel the burn that is Ken Oh's fireball attack, you can't say shit. Nor can you properly enjoy the kick ass sequel to the original Pumpkinhead, Pumpkinhead 2: Bloodwings. You're probably asking what the hell the original Shinobi and the Ring of Five have to do with being able to enjoy Pumpkinhead 2. A better question would be, "WHAT DOESN'T THE RING OF FIVE HAVE TO DO WITH?". The fact is THEY are everywhere. Now read on, slave, for a quick plot summary of P2.
Everything is hunky dorey in the good ole nineteen fifties except for one little thing. Damn if everybody isn't bored shitless. So what do they do. What any of us would do...go and string up the deformed mutant boy that lives deep in the woods. SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN! And string him up they do as they proceed to beat the Mutant boy senseless and lynch him all in the name of good ole wholesome fun! There is only one problem...this particular forrest mutant happens to be the son of the monster Pumpkinhead. WHOOPS! Oh well, no harm done, right? WRONG! Twenty five years later, another group of bored teenagers decide to have some fun by digging up the corpse of the mutant and perform some fucked up ritual to bring him back to life. The only problem is that IT WORKS and the monster rises from the dead to wreck havoc on the town's local adults! Pumpkinhead 2 kicks ass, people, PURE AND SIMPLE. I know Z-Man is probably going to whoop my ass for this, but I would even venture to say that it is even more fun than the original! That's right...I said it! Why such a rousing review? Because Pumpkinhead 2 has it's heart in the right place the entire film as it sure as hell doesn't take itself seriously and it is the proud owner of some of the funniest kills I have seen in awhile! Perhaps the best moment in the entire film takes place as we are treated to a wonderful scene of Linnea Quigley butt naked and riding the living hell of a giant mountain man in his hilltop shack of love. You don't even have a chance to stop laughing from this before Pumkinhead busts in the room to find out why this homey can't have none. What follows is priceless. As the mountain man gets to his feet (his look of terror is priceless) to face his adversary, Pumpkinhead grabs the mountain man (who is fucking huge by the way and I don't see how they did this) and proceeds to do a backbreaker over his knee to dispatch him! I swear, this has to be seen to be believed! I am still in awe of this and the fluidity of Pumkinhead's backbreaker would have done the WWF proud! Also amazing in this film is the end scene where the teenagers themselves are running from the monster. One of my favorite scenes in the movie quickly follows as one of them has the bright idea that he has had enough of this shit and it is time to face the monster. Bad idea, sport, as Pumkinhead quickly grabs this bitch and twists his fucking head off before all his friends...NOW HOW'S THAT FOR AN ICEBREAKER! There are plenty more heart warming moments but they have to be experieced for yourselves...just like the RING OF FIVE. And before I close, let me answer the qustion burning on all of you ingrates right now, "What the hell did the Ring of Five have to do with Pumkinhead 2?" Well here is your answer. I mentioned earlier that the Ring of Five is everywhere...and they can be found in Pumpkinhead 2 as well. If you remember, what was it that started this whole chain of events that ended in the tragic death of lil' mutant boy and in the bringing of Pumkinhead back from the dead? It was BOREDOM. The moral is kiddies, if these bastards had been home playing SHINOBI and battling the RING OF FIVE like they should have...none of this shit would have happened. All of you would do well to remember that. And to all those hallowed heroes and fellow brothers who have endured the trials of combat and persevered against the RIng...ours is a common bond that can never be broken. Let us have a respectful moment of silence for those comrades we lost along the way...we miss you, Z-Man, and don't worry, Black Ninja paid for that shit. EAGLE TE APPROVES!!!!
Our Rating System
Mr. Paul: "Wood. Water. Wood beats water."
Z-man: "Not only did Pumpkinhead break that mountain man's spine.... but he also broke my heart. Pumpkinhead, I hope you're proud of yourself, you brute! And on a side note, I'd like to say: fuck MANDARA in the ass with a leg bone- I hate that bastard... he gave me carpel tonal syndrome."
Eagle Te: "A ton of hilarious scenes makes this one well worth it and the backbreaker scene is the stuff of legend...as is Linnea's Riding technique."
General Zod: "Pending"