Ravenous
Year: 1999
Rated: R
Run Time: 100 minutes
Production Company: Engulf & Devour Productions
Director: Antonia Bird
Starring:Guy Pearce, Robert Carlyle, Jeremy Davies, and David Arquette
T & A: Hell No
Yo Mama So Fat: She Use Bacon As a Band-Aid



"You Are Who You Eat!"






What is Ravenous? Is it a new age horror flick with some Fox sitcom chick as the star? Is it a classic horror that dives into the mind of the killer, looking for the psychotic edge? Is it a pussy flick, with tons of naked sluts being chased through a haunted hotel? Is it ShowTime at the Apollo, featuring David "Pussylips" Phillps and his Koo-Koo Band?

THE ANSWER: NO!

THE QUESTION: CAN IT BE SURPRESSED?

Anyays, Ravenous turns out to be a uniquely strange horror flick in that it avoids any one type of classification. The story takes place durring the Mexican-American War of the 1840s. Off in some unknown location in California, a small fort sits garrisoned by the army's worst cast. You have an average commander, who enjoys a good set of nuts, and just sits on his fat ass. You have a Super Solider who looks like Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers and enjoys killing, wounding, and standing in cold water. You have a half-drunk captain who stumbles in and out of the outhouse like Sluts do at my apartment. You have a weed smoking private who laughs all the time, so he's GAY! You have your token Indians, who come equipped with all those Indian powers like tracking, smelling, trapping, and fucking! And lastly you have our hero (who is a coward during the Mexican-American War), who is now stationed in the middle of bumblefuck with his hand up his ass!!!

Now that you know everybody, the movie goes like this:

1.) Weird fucker eats his own Wagon Party after they get stuck in a cave during a snowstorm!!!

2.) Weird fucker gains the powers of whomever he eats

3.) Banjo music plays while Flea, hunts for fish

4.) Weird fucker stumbles into our happy camp

5.) Weird Fucker sets a trap for camp folk

6.) While Banjo music plays, weird fucker attacks camp folk.

That pretty much sums up in a nutshell what happens... but let's ask ourselves why this movie is so good. You see, first of all, it had all the basics. It had death by blunt weapon. It had Human flesh being consumed. It had a Hardcore Title Match at the end. It had Indians being abused. It had a flying tomahawk. It had lots of internal organs. It had plenty of blood and gore. And it had a falling scene that puts anything else you've ever seen to rest. This fucker fell so far, he picked up company. Yes, my friends this movie contained all of these elements. However elements alone, a good movie does not make. You have to deliver it in the right way. And Ravenous does it fairly well for a cheap low budget film. The gore, looks real enough and the action scenes are pulled off really well. The acting isn't bad and the one liners are actually pretty funny. All in all, the movie and its Pro-Cannibalism message is pretty good... especially when you go in not expecting much. It's violent, disregard for the audience is a fresh reminder of what a true horror movie should be. A horror movie should shock me, not give me a hard on! For that reason, I enjoyed Ravenous, it's a refreshing change from the whole neo-horror angle that Scream and its copycats has produced!!!

El Santo Saz: "I'm part Cannibal, I already eat the PUSSY!!!"

-El Santo

Our Rating System


Mr. Paul: "Watch it for the critical beatdowns."


Z-man: "We all expected this one to be a steaming load of oatmeal pussy squirt, but were shocked to catch ourselves actually enjoying the damn movie after a while. It might have something to do with that hypnotic banjo (and nostril) pickin', but RAVENOUS makes the strongest argument for cannibalism I've ever fucking heard... and now I'm hungry. Slow moving and awkwardly paced, if it's one thing, it's different. Give it a shot- but be warned: it's not for everyone. "


El Santo: "Clean Disney fun the whole family can enjoy. Movies like this make me wonder, is the only good Indian a dead Indian???"