Razorback

Year: 1984
Rated: R
Run Time: 95 minutes
Production Company: UAA Film Ltd.
Director: Russell Mulcahy (The Shadow, Richochet, Highlander, Highlander II: The Quickening)
Starring: Gregory Harrison, Bill Kerr, Big Fucking Pig
T & A: Hell No
Oh No You: Didn't



"TERROR JUST GOT HOG WILD"






Ever been to the Land Down Under? Bitch: you'd love it. The NITRO GIRLS sure had a great time there. They visited my "Land Down Under" after I beat LORD STEVEN REGAL and MENG in an UNHAND ME, YOU BRUTE match last week at WCW STARCADE '99... and never mind all that police report bullshit: those women had a hell of a time. Oh sure, when Nitro Girl BLAZE licked my taint with her 8" prehensile tongue I farted in her face and singed her eyebrows off... but those bikini-clad cock grapplers were all BEGGING for me to get 'em in my penile submission hold. So I did my duty and keelhauled that booty: I Frito-Laid each and every one of those nubile tit titans... and then gave Ric Flair the stink palm on my way out of the arena. Ahh yes.... life was good. Especially if you were my dick.

But then Hell came to Frogtown in the form of a 500 pound engine of wall-eyed porcine destruction. A monstrous devil-swine so damned terrifying that Jimmy Dean himself would drop a pound of patty in his pants at the very sight of it. From the depths of some nightmare Outback shit safari, the cloven hooved horror that is RAZORBACK emerged. And little did we know: this giant doom porker from beyond was preparing to snort, rort(?) and jigsaw jam a stalagmite-sized tusk up our collective NOTC asses. No amount of sweet honey mustard could tame this diabolical oinking colossus of pain and anal violation: and now you're about to find out WHY.

"Now that hit the plot!" is what you'll be saying after you feast your eyes on my dope summary of this shitstravaganza's storyline. So get ready:

When hot-shit American reporter Beth Winters goes down to Australia to do an expose' on the horrors of kangaroo poaching, she gets a little more than she bargained for. One fateful night (Judgement Night), while snooping around the PET PAK dog food cannery, she is set upon by a snaggle-toothed pair of severely retarded poachers who don't appreciate all the media attention that she is bringing to their "operation". So what do they do? They chase her deep into the Outback, run her car off the road... and then teach her all about "the other white meat" by introducing her to a time-honored Australian birth control technique: sticking their chubby tard dicks in her ass. Left weeping, seeping, and bumble-fucked out of her mind, Beth falls prey to the Outback's deadiest predator... RAZORBACK. Yes, in an orgy of punishing Iron Pig slam-tactics, she is murdered by a gigantic wild boar. However, her husband Carl is hot on the bacon trail. Hearing the whispered legends of the humongous pork grizzly- he vows to get revenge on RAZORBACK. He teams up with a cunning old mountain man/pig hunter and his titless, assless daughter for the showdown of the century against RAZORBACK... where it's pork or be porked!

Got pants? No? Good... cause this movie is gonna bend you over and jackhammer your ass into oblivion in 30 minutes or less. With a dong-diddy-kong-da-kong-ding-dong, RAZORBACK will obliterate your posh, playboy lifestlye and plunge you headlong into the shit-stuffed pig sty that is horror movie hell. The title character, the 10 foot sausage-pumpin' boar beast himself, sucks the soot out of a gobot's transforming asshole. It's hardly ever on screen- and when it is... well, it's just sad. Hobo fucking clown sad. Our theory is that the makers of RAZORBACK could scarcely afford to create a convincing pig cyborg for their film (but really... can anyone?) so they just put a pig suit on a train and filmed their movie by the tracks. We have a similar theory involving the female lead in this movie. Even though she moved without tracks paving her way, she looked an awful lot like a train-in-pig's-clothing. Or something that got hit by a train. And the kills? Weak ass. A lot of "cut away" shots that keep the audience guessing about the horrible damage inflicted upon the razorback's victims. Well fuck that... we want to see hooves stomping genitalia, tusks gouging out innards, and curly-Q tails violating a variety of quivering virgin orifices (well, at least I do). Sadly, we get none of it.

But what we do get are some great scenes of pigs rooting around in shit, and that's good. Finger lickin' good. We also get some great footage a giant pig tearing a house trailer in half, scenes of our hero Carl tripping over a variety of obstacles and falling down (which he does well- must be a tumbler), and a few genuinely gruesome scenes filmed inside a slaughterhouse. But no matter which way you spin RAZORBACK, you're bound to get in pop-o-matic trouble. While containing a few important key elements of horror: angry pig-beast on a rampage, anal Outback rape, and bad teeth a grinnin'... it just can't compare to the legions of decent flicks that populate our flick list. It's no SHIT LISTLING, but RAZORBACK sure as hell won't win a blue ribbon at the county fair... no matter how much judge dick it sucks. Now go on girl!

-Z MAN

Our Rating System


Mr. Paul: "Aside from Australian accents crying for help and a giant pig this film isn't worth much more than a pile of syphilitic pussy: You can toss it at the dog when he shits on the carpet, or you can smear it on grandpa to make him feel more at home. However, when it comes right down to it, it's worth a few laughs then needs to be quickly disinfected."


Z-man: "Good accents, bad movie. One fish. Two fish. Fuck fish. You fish."


General Zod: "Razorback - Australian for shit. This movie really sucked, but when that outback gimp motherfucker did that spin move, I was sold. Royight."