Return Of The Living Dead
Year: 1985
Rated: R
Run Time: 91 minutes
Production Company: Orion Pictures
Director: Dan O'Bannon (The Resurrected)
Starring:Clu Gulager, James Karen, Don Calfa, Thom Matthews, and Linnea Quigley
T & A: Linnea Quigley
Gimme Some: Lotion
My Legs Is: Ashy

"Tina... If You Love Me, You'll Let Me Eat Your Brains!"

There are very few experiences a mortal can subject himself to that can rival the raw power and intensity of the supreme 80s zombie gore fest known as RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD. Perhaps having freaky circus sex with DIAMOND, ZAP, and SIREN inside of an ATLASPHERE backstage at AMERICAN GLADIATORS would come close... or perhaps having ring-tailed lemurs lick peanut butter off your cock at Farmer Eatus McDick's Petting Zoo while hairy Mexican nuns held you down would rival its infinite potency. Perhaps not. RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD is quite simply one of the best bad horror movies on the face of the fucking planet today. By combining a never ending barrage of hardcore zombie cannibalism, choice titties, and a heavy dose of wholesome 80s punk rock goodness, this movie has firmly established itself (along with Skeletor & Fisto) as one of the Masters of the Horror Universe. From atop its blood-soaked throne of writhing undead flesh, this mean brain-eating bastard of a horror flick commands your honky ass to witness the monster truck force of a true BAD HORROR MOVIE unchained.

Of course, the cornerstone of any true monument of terror is a good solid plot.... O.K., so that's bullshit and we all know it, but RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD has one that's definitely entertaining enough to keep your own hand out of your pants for a good hour and a half. Allow me to enlighten you with my fancy A.C. McBuddha Plot Summary:

Radical 80s teen Freddy is all excited about his brand new job at the Uneeda Medical Supply Warehouse. His boss Frank is a freaky fatass... but pretty cool, his duties are slacker than hell, and he gets to spend all day playing with such cool medical supply items as split dogs, medical cadavers, and human skeletons with perfect teeth. However, while shooting the shit with Frank on break, he discovers that deep within the Warehouse's basement reside special U.S. Army airtight containers that were sent to the warehouse by mistake. These canisters contain the juicy remains of corpses that were accidentally animated by a toxic waste spill that seeped into a hospital morgue nearly 20 years ago.

So what do Freddie and Frank decide to do? Why, go down to the basement and fuck with the containers, of course! It's all fun and games down below until some retard bangs into the canister and unwittingly releases a jet of the mysterious doomsday gas into their faces. This gas contains the power to "zombify" all it touches, be it man or beast... and when it seeps up into the medical supply house above- there's quite a bit of fun to be had, especially when the fucking cadaver wakes up in the freezer. Needless to say, when Frank and Freddy eventually regain consciousness up after being infected with the deadly zombie gas... they have to deal with all of the warehouses cavalcade of zombified horrors by any means possible and still try to cover it up from their supervisor.

Meanwhile, while Frank and Freddie are busy playing with dead things, all of Freddie's punk rockin' friends are cruising around looking for something to do until their pal gets off work. They decide to haul every single one of their stereotypical 80s asses over to the local graveyard, the Ressurection Cemetary, and proceed to strip naked and dance on tombstones (the official Amercian passtime back then), smoke some dope, and listen to some radical tunes on their boom box until Freddie gets off...of work, that is.

Imagine their fucking surprise when Frank and Freddie (along with Warehouse Supervisor Burt and his mortician friend, Ernie) throw up a huge cloud of noxious zombie gas into the atmosphere after torching the hacked up cadaver corpse into the nearby crematorium. The toxic fumes seed the thick clouds overhead, and we are all greeted with a downpour of acid rain that JUST HAPPENS TO RAISE THE DEAD FROM THEIR GRAVES.

Once the zombies awake from their rotting slumber within the Earth's foul womb, they've got one thing on their decomposing minds: and that's EATING SOME FUCKING BRAINS. What ensues is an absolutely maddening zombie invasion that threatens to devour the entire cast (as well as the city of Louisville, Kentucky) in its foaming undead wrath. Their are screamin' deaths a plenty and buckets of hot brains a flyin' as the intrepid punk rockers ally themselves with the employees of the warehouse and try to stave off the zombie raids by barricading themselves in the funeral home. Can anything be done to stop the zombie hordes? The movie said that if you kill the bastard's brain, the zombie dies...right? RIGHT?!?! OH JESUS! What about acid? What about the waves of police and paramedics that get ambushed by ravenous brain-eaters? What about that goddamned 1-800 number stenciled on the side of those Army Canisters? It's a hellishly desperate situation that requires our heroes to use their brains... well, before the zombies eat them.

From start to finish, RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD simply does not stop. It's got a furious pace that is completely tailored to the miniscule attention spans of slobbering retards like ourselves. Whether it's watching people beat the shit out of a zombie dog with a crutch, seeing a big breasted goth punk sizzle and jerk under a downpouring of acid rain, or just kicking back and watching a good old fashioned cannibal corpse Brain Roundup, RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD definitely has enough eye candy for even the most critical freak on your Christmas list. Nevermind the scattered "zombie purists" who will rail this flick because the zombies are a little more active than their Romero spawned counterparts (these guys can run, tackle victims, and probably whip your ass in Connect Four), this movie whomps ass with a seal club. The stereotypical 80s punk teens (complete with names like SUICIDE, SPIDER, and TRASH) make for hysterical victims, and the corpse effects are truly inventive and spew enough bodily fluids to slake the thirst of most of you goddamned gore hounds. Once you arm yourself with the knowledge that RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD resembles a movie like EVIL DEAD a lot more than it does its bigger Romero driven zombie bretheren (NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, DAWN OF THE DEAD, and DAY OF THE DEAD)- you'll be able to suitably appreciate what is truly one of the undisputed classics of the modern B-Movie world.


Our Rating System

Mr. Paul: "Ahh... sweet Trash. Quigley's wigglies are so excellent. Like Bruce Lee says: "Them titties are like water. You put that titty in a cup, it become the cup..." the D-Cup. Are you impressed?"

Z-Man: "All Shitting Aside: This is about as close to perfection as I've ever come in a bad horror flick. Few members of Horror's bleak pantheon of ass-busting masterpieces can make me laugh as hard as this damn movie can! I dare you to watch it and not feel a tingling in your groin."

El Santo: "What can I say, this movie is filled with what all of us want to see. It has Titty, Zombies, Zombie Titty, Nuclear Fallout, and lots of classic one liners. It's one of the best zombie movie ever created!!!"

Eagle Te: "This is probably THE PERFECT BAD MOVIE!!! This film doesn't have ANY slow moments and it will have you rolling with laughter from beginning to end! It is the humble opinion of Te that this film should be inducted in the NOTC Hall of Fame...along with James Bond and General Tso's Chicken!!!"

General Zod "There is nothing more touching than seeing a couple of old men try to kill a cadaver."