Night of the Scarecrow
Year: 1995
Rated: R
Run Time: 83 minutes
Production Company: Republic Pictures
Director: Jeff Burr (Leatherface: TCM III, Puppet Master 4, Puppet Master 5, Pumpkinhead 2)
Starring: Gary Lockwood, Chest Rockwell, Brock Landers
T & A: Hell Yes
Blue Ballin': Bitch

"I Know What You Did Last Harvest"

You can always count on one out of three things being good. One out of three pussies are worth fucking, Eagle Te manages to whip one out of three times, and one out of three scarecrow movies kicks ass. Don't worry about the other two pus-filled flicks, I'm here to tell you about Night of the Scarecrow: A shocking tale of a mayhem that will leave you jerking off for more. The basic plot revolves around this Black Magic magician who grants a town fertile crops, and in return they allow him to practice his black arts. Well, it just so happens that his arts include: FUCKING, FUCKING, RAPE....and some mo' FUCKING! Now don't get your titties in a wad yet, I still haven't squeezed your teet. You see the bastard was fucking everybody: the preacher's daughter, the preacher's wife, hell even the preacher's pet monkey Bubbles! Not only was he fucking, but he was doing it in style. He would pour wine on a titty, or have two sluts fight over him. Basically he lived all of our dreams. Well, the townspeople get pissed (cause their women have been fucked) and they decide to crucify him to a cross out in their cornfield. Well, hundreds of years later, some redneck fucker accidentally breaks the seal where his bones are buried and the next thing you know you've got the spirit of one pissed off Mexican (well, not really but, he should be!) who takes over the body of a scarecrow and fucks up the town! So now that you know the plot, your probably asking yourself "Why is my dick so small?" Well Bobby, it's because you suck dick, and all kids who suck dick have small penises! So Stop sucking and you might actually grow one! Now as far as what you should be looking for, I suggest the following:

1) TITTY CON CARNE---That's right, you get a nice dose of titty right in the middle of the movie and then another in a flashback! SOME DAMN NICE TITTY, TOO!

2) My bad, was that your ASS?---That's right, watch as Hector the Hispanic Scarecrow fucks people up throughout the film. Deaths include (but not exclusively): Vines erupting from stomach, Cross in face, Death by farm equipment, and grandpa's favorite- the bloody mess!

3) Don't jerk off in church----That's right folks, watch as the priest begins to masturbate to the sounds of saints getting off! He's one fucked up priest, which makes him our official NoTC Pastor!

All in all, this is one great film, with a bad one liner for a clincher, but hey think of it this way: at least this movie rocks your mama's ass, and you're still gay!

El Santo Saz: "I've fucked a preacher's wife before."

-El Santo

Our Rating System

Mr. Paul: "I can't recall too much of the night's events seeing as how so many fruity colors were shooting out of my ass against my will. However, there were many rusty implements of death, and that should count for something"

Z-man: "Some high quality kills and some excruciating priest-maiming more than make up for what has got to be the worst fucking one-liner ever delivered in horror film history. Some classic scenes (the hippie sex van vegetable explosion and Amish butterchurn orgy are my personal favorites) are peppered throughout this one- making it well worth the effort if you can ever fucking find it!"

Eagle Te: "A very entertaining flick that features Mr. Wint from the Bond movie "Diamonds Are Forever" as the demented priest! That alone gives it three stars!!! Check out the Amish orgy for some truly entertaining shit and the one liner at the end will have you crying for mercy! "

El Santo: "This movie makes me wonder why I even go to college...when I could be a PORN STAR! Oh yeah, this movie was dope! Cause I picked it, cause it had titty, and cause it had little mexican kids in it!"

General Zod: "Well, the director can kiss my ass for trying to be a provocateur with his unjustified sacrilege, but my main man Jimmy James heads up the thin blue line in this one, so I'll give it some recognition."