Run Time: 97 minutes
Production Company: Dimension Films
Director: Wes Craven (A Nightmare on Elm Street,
Starring: Neve Campbell, David Arquette, Courtney Cox, Sucks Cox
Co-Starring: Carrie Fisher, Lance Henriksen, Jay & Silent Bob, Jenny McCarthy, Parker Posey, and SOLO
T & A: No Titty For You, Ace
Body Count: 10
You Can Count To: 7
Life is just full of mysteries. For instance, why do cats fuck doggie style? Why do birds sing so gay? And exactly why do you fantasize about letting Chyna wipe her ass with your face? Well, now you can add another mystery to your Time-Life collection... and that's why in the fuck I spent $14.00 to go see SCREAM 3 when ANTIQUES ROADSHOW was on. I'm willing to bet that it has something to do with Loch Ness, Sasquatch, or the fact that I once saw Joan of Arc juggle cannonballs with her anus then parachute off the Eiffel Tower. People always talk about how fucking important the SCREAM series is. These are usually the same people who get me to borrow their KID ROCK album. Well, let me tell you something there champ: the only trilogy that changed my life forever was DOUBLE DRAGON... and that was only because Green Abobo clapped my fucking head and punched me off a waterfall on level 5. In any case, I was there on opening night with all the other prepubescent fags who bought tickets for STUART LITTLE and then snuck in hoping to see Neve Campbell melt butter with her clit. Despite the fact that I found bits of torn hymen and pubic hair in my cherry slush, I managed to survive. So does SCREAM 3 live up to the hype? Sex sure didn't, and I didn't even have to pay for that... well, not much.
But enough talk. I am a figure of action- and if you aren't careful I might just bitch smack you with my kung-fu grip. So make like a ditch and dig this, bitch: for here lies my plot summary.
It's been a few years since Woodsboro was rocked by AMADEUS, as well as the wholesale slaughter of the first two SCREAMs. Now Sidney Prescott (the heroine, you fucking moron) has moved out west to live a life of hermitage on Turd Mountain. With no one but her dog to lap at her delicate maidenflesh, Sidney leads a solitary and melancholy life. Haunted by the murders that have plagued her so, she holes up in the boonies and works out of her home as... what else? A rape crisis counselor! However, she is soon lured out of hiding by the events going on around the Sunrise Studios lot in Hollywood: the set of STAB 3: RETURN TO WOODSBORO.
It seems that someone has donned the ghost face killah attire of the original Woodsboro psychopath (RZA's overalls had doo doo stains on em) and begun yet another killing spree. This time around, the killer is offing his victims in the same order that they croak IN THE MOVIE's SCRIPT. Only problem is, there are 3 different versions of the STAB 3 script, so no one knows which one the killer has.
Deputy Dewey and Gail Weathers are (tag team) back again for this third outing, and together with Sidney (and the requisite herd of disposable actors cast for STAB 3) they try to track down the murderer(s) and stop this silly shit once and for all. Their merry chase leads them to all kinds of Hollywood locales.... like a decrepid studio backlot, a Bath & Body Works, and the Orville Reddenbocker Wax Museum of Uncircumcised Muppet Cock. Finally, the remnants of the cast show up at the sleazy producer's sprawling mansion (complete with secret passages, super happy fun slide, and club house) for the final showdown with the killer. At long last- the individual who masterminded the murders in all three SCREAM flicks is unmasked... and well, gets stabbed in the goddamn spine, stabbed in the heart, karate chopped, boot kicked, atomic dropped, shot 6 times in the chest, shot once in the forehead, and then gets a big hug. Needless to say, it's a big fucking production- and when you walk out of the theater, you get exactly what you paid for... a sore ass and a trailer for REINDEER GAMES.
Basically, if you hated the original SCREAMs, well.. you're probably over 18... in which case you'll want to avoid this fucker like Carrot Top. But if you watch Total Request Live and/or have ever got pissed off because mom forgot to wash your KORN T-shirt in cold water... well, then you'll probably be as happy as a baby in a barrel full of titties with SCREAM 3. Don't forget, Mom will pick you up in front of the theater at 10:45 in the SUV. Just do yourself a favor and stay the fuck away from SCREAM 3 if you didn't dig the originals. It's got that same self-referential humor that it always had... but with the PARTY OF FIVE factor turned up a couple of notches. That's right baby, feel the love. (personally, if I wanted to do some sharing I'd go down to the projects and swap dirty needles) Yes, like all good horror movies (and high school shootings) a lot of people die in SCREAM 3. The only problem is, you can pick out the ones who do in the first ten minutes. My biggest complaint with SCREAM 3 was that I didn't get sucked off in the back row of the theater by that hot girl in the wheelchair two rows over... but other than that, I had kinda hoped that we would see something bit more daring considering this is the last SCREAM we'll (hopefully) ever see. Let me rephrase that: I had kinda hoped we'd see Courtney Cox get raped with a piledriver or see David Arquette get his head punched off by Stan Lee. All in all SCREAM 3 stayed pretty tame, and despite a last minute killing spree to jack up the body count and a (lame) twist ending... I walked out of the theater the same way I walked in: with a limp.
Overall, SCREAM 3 is a mixed bag... just like my scrotum. Some people can't stand it... and others beg to get hit in the face with it over and over again and call it golden. I would say that it didn't live up to the hype but we've become such cynical bastards over the last couple years that I think we were all expecting it to suck a herring out of a seal pup's ass... which thankfully it didn't. The celebrity cameos in SCREAM 3 are pretty amusing... but so is watching old people fuck. You think about that. I'm gonna go smoke a bowl with Simon Belmont.
Our Rating System
Mr. Paul: "It's kind of like getting beaten down by Grandma. It's not right, and you know it'll hurt come morning, but you get some kind of sick sadistic pleasure from it."
Z-man: "Not as fun as watching Tonya Harding juggle skittles with her anus, but hell... when you think about it, what is? My advice to you? If you want to watch something really scary, try renting MUSIC OF THE HEART."
Eagle Te: "Pending"
El Santo: "Los Penditos"
General Zod: "Nice sense of closure, but no sense of opening: no rib cage opening, no throat opening, no vaginal opening. Monsieur Craven has lost his edge, and thus I must go into the real world and do those things which he has denied me. Smart move, assholes."