A.K.A. Warlock

Year: 1983
Rated: Not Rated
Run Time: 95 minutes
Production Company: Wittman/Richter Films, Inc.
Director: Ota Richter
Starring: Thom Haverstock, Wendy Crewson, David Main, Clark Johnson, Geordie Johnson
T & A: Hell No
Iron: Helps Us Play
Molybdenum: Helps Us Fuck

Okay, so I'm sitting here, it's late-thirty at night, I have to be up at like 8 the next morning to go to work and I'm about to embark on a journey I know is dangerous, possibly fatal, and I'm doing it alone. I slide in the tape to be greeted by the cheapest FBI warning I've ever seen followed by a distribution company's logo that looks like an Atari game is about to start. Then comes the most kick ass theme song ever. I knew that words could not express how cool this song was so after the flick I had to get a copy so that you our readers could experience "Skullduggery" for your very own. But let save that for later. So the song end and the shit begins.

I really was looking foward to writing a decent review (lengthwise) for this movie especially after that song, but how many ways can you describe shit and not have it be boring. This was the king of shit. The shit-meister, the crap-a-rama. It SUCKED humongous titties, but there were none in this movie. This was the lamest duck I've ever seen start to finish. I feel that the world owes me one for watching it the whole way. I think that ought to be an initiation thing for some tribe of nazi voodoo witchdoctor chimney sweeps. Honestly, there were two (2)(II)(one , two)(1+1) good kills in this flick.

Kill One: Triple Scoop Double Flavor Shiskabob of Justice. These two punks were about to force themselves on some young lady and our man (what ever the fuck his name is) Takes em out with a spear going straight through all three of them. They deserve to die, fucking assholes. The chick, well, that's collatoral damage for ya.

Kill Two: The Super-Stain-Remover Steam-Clean-from-Hell Delivered with your Choice-of-Toppings to your Head in Thirty-Minutes-or-its-free kill. That's right, stepping to my man is like stepping to Death Row, fool. Dude grab some chick by the neck, forced her under a steam pipe and opened it up on her. Didn't stop till there was nothing but a skull left. Kick it, "Skullduggery".

So 30 seconds of action combined with 1:27 of song and dance and 94:33 of SHIT. I think Skullduggery would have made an excellent hit video single, but as a movie it sucks DICK!

But I am Ookla. I have conquered this and I WILL bring you a good review (late as it might be). So I went ahead and gathered up some MAD goodies for you. I hope you enjoy. And now, as promised, straight from Media Home Entertainment is the theme song that could not be contained by VHS.

Download The Themesong Now!
You might have to hold down Shift when clicking
Name Quality Size
skull.wav 22 kHz 8 bit mono 2.06 MB
skull.mp3 56 kB/s 16 bit mono 673 Kb

For a bonus treat, I've taken the time to transcribe the lyrics to the song as best I can. I know they don't always make sense, but does life always make sense? I thought not. If anybody out there listens to the songs and would like to offer their own opinion on matters of lyrics, you can tell that brick wall over there. No seriously, if you come up with alternate lyrics of any kind, say like the ones that you think they should have used, toss them to me care of Night of The Creeps and I'll sing them to the music and if they are funny enough I'll post them for all the world to see. Anyway, on with the lyrics

Can you read
What's in my mind?
Skullduggery, Skullduggery
Tearing up my mind
Heavy Breath, passion in your eye
Skullduggery, Skullduggery
I just found the clue
It's all nice, Yeah!

I can see what's in your hand
Skullduggery, Skullduggery
Feeling just the pain
Killer smile
Now I understand
Skullduggery, Skullduggery
Shadows, hopes, and dreams
all will fall down, Yeah!

And last but certainly not least, I have found a 1981 (I think) text based adventure game. On the site that I found it was written.

Skullduggery is a classic text adventure, set on the southeast coast of eighteenth-century England. During this period smuggling goods into England was a common enterprise; necessitated primarily by the King's tax on imports. Indeed, it was a rare family who did not participate in the smuggler's business at some time. In this particular adventure a member of the Royal Family Leominster, William the Wildheart, was heavily involved in the business of smuggling. However, at some point in his career he was caught and turned-in by his family. As a result of his family's betrayal, William was found guilty and executed. Although dead, William's hate was intense and it prompted his return as a ghost. Also, William had hidden a massive treasure which his family coveted greedily, and which he desired to keep for himself. (Who said you can't take it with you?) As an angry spirit, William wanted desparately to make his family pay for their sins while protecting his treasure against any and all intruders. To this end, William will unmercifully torture any individual who enters his domain.

So anyway, I have it here for download. Play at your own risk. So that is that, I'm Ookla, that is Skullduggery, and I'm outta here. Peace, and humptiness 4-eva.

-Ookla the Mok

Our Rating System

Mr. Paul: "Can you see what's on my mind? Evidently it wasn't my mental well being when I thought that this would be a good idea. For watching as much as I did, I should get a sticker that says, 'SUPER KID!' "

Z-Man: "It takes a special breed of man to sit through the entire 95 gut wrenching minutes of SKULLDUGGERY. I am not of that special breed. Ten minutes into this pig-fucking odyssey of Narnia, I ran home and played Gyromite 'til I threw up."

Eagle Te: "Not since Stinkor was ingraciously defeated by Teela have I been more disillusioned and bewildered...other than the kick ass theme song, there is absolutely nothing here!!!!"

Ookla the Mok: " I wrote the review, dammit!"

General Zod: "It was all fun and games until someone pressed play. This movie sucked ass through a Martha Stewart homemade twisty straw. However, the badass theme song may allow for 'Skullduggery' to some day become a successful Broadway musical."

Merciful Buddha!
Skullduggery: YE OLD SHIT LISTE INDUCTEE (10/10/98)