Run Time: 90 minutes
Production Company: New World
Director: Juan Piquer Simon (PIECES, Endless Descent, Cthulhu Mansion)
Starring: Santiago Alvarez, Concha Cuetos, Michael Garfield
T & A: HELL YES
That's: My Ass?
Whenever your favorite retards here at NOTC grab a batch of movies, they usually break down in the following manner; one's pretty good, one absolutely sucks ass, and then sometimes, just sometimes, there is one that is phenomenal. Slugs definitely fits into the latter category as it is without a doubt one of the most repugnant, enjoyable films to ever be reviewed by yours truly, Eagle Te! Be warned, watching this film will entail nonstop laughter and uncontrollable bowel movements, especially if you eat a shitload of Barbecue before you watch the movie like we did before this one! I haven't been this pleased with a movie since I rented the XXX version of Smurf's: The Porno when Big Mouth ambushed Smurfette and proclaimed, "BIG MOUTH HORNY!" Aaahhh, you just can't beat the classics! Many of you are probably wondering what the plot is, what cool ass kills there are, and the question that all of you are obviously dying to have answered, just how close does Jennifer Love Hewitt-Te shave it? Well my answer to you is keep reading, keep reading, and bald. So without further ado, here's the plot: A group of mutant, flesh eating slugs are terrorizing a small town and it's up to a small group of public health officials to put a stop to the dastardly slugs' evil deeds. What? It's that simple! What the hell more do you need? Oh, so you're one of these art house fags who need complex character development and subtle references to the eternal struggles between man and himself or man and nature. Well, pussy, if that's what you are after then Slugs isn't your movie. Might Eagle Te suggest the little known film Thin Red Line (no, not the current movie in theaters), a small independent movie directed by General Zod that tackles the complex character issues involved in having orgies with menstrating women. But for those of you who are TRUE red blooded Americans who love carnage, mutants, tits, and violence, then you will find yourself in ecstacy as you behold all that Slugs has to offer! So just what does Slugs have to offer? Try mutated slugs with razor teeth that shoot up out of your toilet and perform home invasions like you have never seen! The strength of Slugs lies in it's kills as they are quite simply some of the funniest around. One of my personal favorites included the greenhouse scene where Grandpa decides to put on a glove that one of our special little slugs decides to take a nap in. What follows is a chaotic orgy of screaming and blood as the slug bites the living hell of this old man, causing him to run around in agony and then, in a fit of desperation, cut off his own hand with a hatchet to escape the deadly grip of the angry slug. Ohhhh, but it ain't over yet...oh NO! Apparently a gasoline drum was spilled when he was running around in agony (DON'T ASK QUESTIONS DAMN IT!) and as his wife runs in to help him (and also witnesses her beloved pull away from his freshly decapitated hand) the whole fucking place goes up in a massive explosion. Now if there is one thing Eagle Te loves it's overkill and this scene ranks as one of the classic overkill scenes in bad movie history! And what movie would be complete without a little bit of fornication curteousy of the heartbeat of American horror, Teenagers! And what a scene it is as we are treated to two nude lovers a bumpin and a grinding at Mach four to the squeals of delight and encouragement from the girl. After he's done and he don't love that ho no mo', he decides to get up and take a leak...big mistake pal as the floor is covered with writhing, slimy slugs! The bloody melee that follows is both hilarious and dragged out and will have you checking the floor every morning before you place your precious tootsies in such a vulnerable position for any waiting slugs below. I hope you won't take it to the extreme Eagle Te did as I was checking the toilet every few minutes for infiltrating mutant slugs. After everyone left and I perched myself on the can for a long, relaxing Te dump, I confused the resulting water splash on my ass from my explosive Barbecue/Slushee diarrhea for an attack by the slugs and ran butt naked and screaming with shit trailing behind me for my car before I realized my mistake...hey, it could happen to anyone, damn it! Also keep an eye out for the exploding patron in the restaurant for a classic scene that will have you replaying it in slow mo at least a dozen times! I simply cannot say enough about this movie except GET IT NOW! Really people, Slugs is directed by the same freak that did Pieces and if you have followed our advice and seen that then you know that it rocks harder than Quiet Riot! Do yourself a favor and rent it now! EAGLE TE APPROVES!!!!
Our Rating System
Mr. Paul: "It's like donating blood execpt it doesn't hurt and it's more fun. Drop your panties and feel the slimy thing crawl inside."
Z-man: "Lean to the left! Lean to the right! Get a grip on my dick and UNNNHHH- Take A Bite! This movie is the shit. It's more fun that a box of PUDDIN' POPS D-LUXE on a hot summer's eve. Now wash that cootch, nootch!"
Eagle Te: "This movie has some of the best gore and exploding patrons that has ever graced our shit stained screens! "
El Santo: "Dynamite comes in small packages baby!!! Just like your grandpa's nutsack this movie provides you with something small, dangerous and really creepy. Full of Eye-Popping excitement, this movie will make you climax at least two, if not three times!!! Rent it today...see it tommorow...Fuck off now!!!"
General Zod: "Give me back my Stinkor, you bitch."