The Last Slumber Party
Run Time: 89 minutes
Production Company: United Entertainment
Director: Stephen Tyler
Starring: Jan Jensen, Nancy Meyer, Joann Whitley
T & A: Hell No
My Ass is: On Fire
HOO-FUCKING-RAY! I practically did a circus backflip when I realized that I'd FINALLY get the opportunity to review one of the entertaining Slumber Party Massacre flicks. Of course, that was before we actually sat down and watched what is quite possibly the shittiest film in existence. The Slumber Party Massacre films always seem to be either immensely entertaining or be a stall full of ball busting, shit house skank. Apparently, there is some sort of cosmic force at work within the franchise- because it works out that all the even numbered SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRES suck the sweat off of Iron Sheik's crooked Iranian dick after a cage match at SUMMERSLAM. The original Slumber Party Massacre was hysterical. The sequal housed one of the worst slasher killers of all-fucking time. The third installment managed to TITTY-LATE us (largely due to BLUE MEANIE's crooked, freakshow breasts) and came off a winner. So... with all of this in mind, I guess we should have known better than to dare pick up THE LAST SLUMBER PARTY. Little did we know, that this fucking shit-monger wasn't even a part of the SLUMBER PARTY series! However, just like a Korean kid's score on a Algebra Quiz, hindsight is 20/20. So sit back, scratch your crotch with that prosthetic hook you call a hand, and try to comprehend the mind-boggling insanity of THE LAST SLUMBER PARTY.
School's out for the summer, and three of the ugliest high school girls on the face of the fucking planet are psyched about getting together for a Slumber Party to celebrate. Personally, I think the "high school girls" look more like the Varsity Dick Sucking Squad from a Kampuchean Whore House ... but I was willing to suspend my disbelief and let the movie go on about its business. And boy, did it ever go on about its business- just like your dog does when it takes a fat shit on your neighbor's yard. We are greeted by a violent psychopath who escapes from the local Hospital on the first day of Summer Break to wreak some havoc on the doctor who tried to cure his insanity with a partial lobotomy. However, since the good doctor is on call at the hospital- the killer decides that his 30 year old crackwhore daughter, her two slut dog superfriends, and their Izod sporting boyfriends would make suitable targets. So now, dressed up in a surgeon's outfit (complete with mask) the psycho creeps into the house to get some. What ensues is one of the most embarassing attempts at a murderous killing spree in the history of the modern cinema.
Personally, I'd rather strap on a miner's hat and watch the yeast rise in Nell Carter's crotch than be subjected to the horrors of this fucking film again. To say that THE LAST SLUMBER PARTY sucks is akin to having a rabid hedgehog set on fire and jammed up your asshole and then calling it "mild discomfort". This movie is every bit as vile as a case of oral herpes on Prom Night. Need I elaborate?
The Killer: He's fucking awful. This bastard about as frightening as a expired box of Cracklin' Oat Bran.... First of all, the THE LAST SLUMBER PARTY recycles the same goddamn footage of the killer brandishing his scalpel no fewer than a dozen times throughout the course of the movie. Occassionally, the killer will pop up from the corner of the room with this scared look on his face and just run down the hall. What the fuck? I suppose I must commend the makers of the movie for their use of realism because the killer is obviously played by a mental patient, retard, or mannequin or somethin'. The killer himself should receive one star... a THROWING STAR thrown by Sho Kosugi embedded in his fucking face.
The Titty: What Titty? There is absolutely NONE. Not that seeing Farmer John's lop-sided barn slut naked would be a healthy thing.. but at least you can commend the use of pointless nudity in movies like this.
The Kills: Possibly the biggest disappointment of the movie was that every single victim was killed IN THE SAME DAMN WAY. Our killer apparently skipped some classes back at Psycho Killer Community College to play MAPPY, because he uses the same damn method of murder from start to finish. Scalpel to the throat. Scalpel to the throat. Scalpel to the throat. SHIT- enough already! Also, the fact that every single one of his throat slits looks like absolute shit is very disconcerting. You'd think that after slitting 10 throats over the course of the flick he'd at least get good at it. Well, fuck that theory. The kills in this one are absolutely inexcusable. I'd rather watch "behind the scenes" footage of Hellen Keller trying to solve a Rubik's cube than those damn kills. Boo.
The Film Quality: First it's home video. Then it's Super 8. Then it's home video again. Then... SURPRISE... still home video. Whoopty Fucking Shit. As if these changes in film stock would make up for an otherwise boring-as-hell video experience. They certainly kept me on the edge of my seat, and they'll certainly keep you on the edge of yours, too... especially if your chair is broken like mine.
THE LAST SLUMBER PARTY is definitely one of the worst flicks we've ever had the displeasure of witnessing here at NIGHT OF THE CREEPS. If you thought that SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE II was a disgrace to the franchise... then you have absolutely no business seeing this one. It's an inexcusable piece of garbage that has absolutely NO redeeming qualities whatsoever... save for the fact that it's over pretty quickly.
Our Rating System
Mr. Paul: "Do you remember when you were in the 3rd grade and you were still afraid of some of different selections in the lunch line? Of course you do. But you were determined you weren't going to be afraid any more and decided to take the plunge and eat the orange cake. However when you bit into it it wasn't cake at all. It was really yams or something. Then you started to cry........ Anyway... this movie is shitty. Really shitty. In fact, it is so shitty, it had to bring in scenes from other shitty movies (the award winning FOREVER EVIL) to make it better."
Z-Man: "GET THIRTY MEN IN CONTRA: At the title screen enter the following commands on controller 2: UP, UP, DOWN, DOWN, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, B, A, START. This should make it a breeze to beat Red Falcon and his alien warriors!"
Eagle Te: "Fuck the director's mother straight in the ass!!! THIS MOVIE SUCKS!!! If you see it on sale at your local video store, buy it so you can destroy it and flush down the shitter!!! Watching this is like giving the pickle tickle to Martha Raye...dry and not worth your time!!!!"
Ookla The Mok: "This was the absolute worst movie I've ever watched end to end. I could have done better shooting off the hip with a fucking 1979 betamax b/w camera. Everybody who was in on making this shitball can suck my dick."
General Zod: "General Zod is scared of the crazy man with the scalpel...Oh wait, my bad. That's a leaky red inkpen. Fuck you, Quincy."
LAST SLUMBER PARTY: YE OLD SHIT LISTE INDUCTEE (9/2/98)