Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker
Year: 1992
Rated: R
Run Time: approx. 99 minutes
Production Company: Still Silent Films, Inc.
Director: Martin Kitrosser (Man of Her Dreams, Daddy's Girl)
Starring: William Thorne, Jane Higginson, Van Quattro and Mickey Rooney as Joe Petto
T & A: Hell No
Mmm Mmm: Good

"There is No GOD!"

In 1982 Paul Caimi and Michael Hickey had a vision: They wanted to make the most twistedly sadistic, and morally disgusting film masterpiece about the Christmas season the world had ever seen. It took them six months to write this ground-breaking script, but it was well worth the time. Unfortunately this script was light-years before its time and the duo had trouble getting any kind of financial support. Luckily for them they ran across Charles E. Sellier Jr. (best known for his productions of "Historical Search for Noah" and "Historical Search for Jesus Christ"). Chuck being the open minded sick fuck that he was, took on this beast of a script and began to film what was at the time called Slayride. The filming took a year and a half and was filled with problems from heart attacks, to fires, to cult abductions, to enraged baboons escaping from the local town enraged baboon research facility. Three deaths and countless injuries plagued the cast and crew but through Chuck's leadership they finally wrapped filming in the summer of 1984 and the film released that winter. Though Paul Caimi and Michael Hickey never got an opportunity to write again (due to a freak encounter with three male porn stars and a Billy-goat which left Caimi dead and Hickey never heard from again) they left their mark on the film community with Silent Night, Deadly Night... God rest their soul.

But why are you telling us about their struggle if this is a review for Silent Night Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker? Because I want you to understand why Paul Caimi is rolling over in his grave with disgust. After all their toil and struggle the glorious name of Silent Night, Deadly Night has been tarnished by Satan himself. Sure, some of you might call him Martin Kitrosser, and others might call him "Big Daddy" or "Big Poppa", but make no mistake this man is pure evil and needs to be exposed for the wrong doings he has committed against ourselves, Paul Caimi, Michael Hickey, Sgt. Slaughter, and this beautiful country we call America!

But Mr. Paul, it's just a movie... Sure kid, the next thing you'll tell me is Vietnam is just a country in southeast Asia, or that red, white, and blue are just colors on cloth and not the colors of the blood that runs through my veins. Now stop snorting those goofers and listen up son... because I've got something to tell you. Silent Night, Deadly Night 5 goes against everything that's right in this world; everything American. Allow me to explain:

The film begins with young Derek walking in on his mother and father having mad caveman sex and he looks ashamed. So he goes downstairs and finds a package on his front porch clearly marked "Do Not Open Until Xmas". But what does this bastard child do? He opens it. His father comes down in the process and shouts at his son and sends him off to bed. Now let me stop right here. Ten minutes in and we already have enough erroneous errors to warrant a grammatical failure. When a child sees his parents having sex he shouldn't be ashamed. Disgusted maybe, but not ashamed. Sex is a beautiful and spiritual way of two people expressing their love for each other. The kid then goes downstairs and opens a mysterious gift found on the door step despite the fact that it clearly reads "Do Not Open Until Xmas". This might be excusable. The kid may not be familiar with the term: "Xmas". Due to poor upbringing he may not have been taught to associate Christmas with Xmas. However the boy shouldn't be down there in the first place taking bizarre gifts off his front porch at such an hour of the night. But once again that can be attributed to poor upbringing. It is obvious that the Derek comes from a shitty home when his father comes in shouting at him to go to bed. I'm surprised he didn't just smash the kid with a board with a nail in it. Words can hurt just as much as hands. This film teaches parents to discipline their children in this way. Why do you think we have gangs of children with socks and rags on their heads? It's because gangs provide a more nurturing family environment than the one that is taught to be accepted through films like Silent Night, Deadly Night 5. However, the father gets his just desserts when he decides to play with Derek's new toy himself. The small toy electrocutes him in a wretched display of poorly crated electric beams. The mother looks on in horror as does the boy.

Normally that would've been it. The tape would have been pulled out, broken, and taken back to the video store with a note expressing our disdain and requesting that they not order a new copy. Unfortunately... Night of the Creeps has just recently adopted a new policy to watch every film reviewed in its entirety. So we continued.

In the days that followed Derek's mother takes him to Joe Petto's (Japetto) toy store to purchase a toy. While he is there he is accosted by Joe's son Pino(cchio). Pino tries to pawn off a shitty toy of a Larry the Larva that looks more like Larry the Log of Shit. The kid gets scared, he and his mother leave, and Joe beats Pino in the way that only a has-been child actor can. As the story progresses it is revealed that the freak show bastard son Pino is giving out toys which are meant to kill. In fact in the only redeeming scene in the film Larry the Larva shoots through the eye of a poor unsuspecting motel manager. More plot twists show up in the form of Derek really being a bastard kid of some shopping mall Santa Claus and Joe Petto's kid Pino being really a machine (and not a real boy like we had thought). Pino abducts Derek and decides that Derek's mother is going to be his new mom. What follows is quite possibly one of the stupidest scenes in film history. Pino bends Derek's mother over and begins to air fuck her, because he wants him to be his mother. He can't really fuck her because he has the body of a mannequin and therefore, no dick. So he just pretends until Derek's derelict Santa Claus father shows up and saves the day. Pino's killed and everyone lives happily ever after... except us. Now we must live with this pain for the rest of our days, and are going to be forced to spend half our paychecks on therapy for the next twelve years.

In case you haven't noticed I didn't like this movie. It highly offended me in a way which made me feel dirty inside. I hate this film with an unbridled fury which is normally reserved for Nazi's, Library Bathroom Sex, Saved by the Bell: The New Class, and the McLean Deluxe. Imagine if you asked your best friend to pass you the salt and instead of passing you the salt he or she took a claw hammer and smashed your teeth in. Just the idea hurts, doesn't it? Take that feeling, multiply it by infinity and take it to the depths of hell and you even begin to fathom what I'm talking about.

-Mr. Paul

Our Rating System

Mr. Paul: "Remember that afterschool special "Good Touch, Bad Touch"? This movie will touch you in a way you will never be able to wash off."

Z-man: "This rancid turd deserves to be butt fucked by heavy machinery. Yank My Doodle, Mickey Rooney! May your twisted little child molesting ass roast in hell for all eternity! "

El Santo: "Can you say DROID....that's right, as in what's been up your ass all night...or as in what makes up the killer in this holiday flick. Do yourself a favor and suck a dick, it'll be better than this crap!!!"

Eagle Te: "Without a doubt one of the worst movies I have EVER seen...that's right folks, worse than The Craft! Everyone of the kills suck and the only reason to watch this is for the mind boggeling revelation of the toymaker's son as a cheap ass Go Bot android. Watching it try to fuck Mom in order to be a good little boy brought back some of the more bitter memories from Te's nest...ugghhhh.....NaNaNaNa!"

General Zod: "Pend x Pend.33"

Merciful Buddha!