Spookies
Year: 1987
Rated: R
Run Time: 85 minutes
Production Company: Sony Pictures
Director: Thomas Doran
Starring:Alec Nemser, Maria Pechukas (bless you), Felix Ward, Fart Zombie II
T & A: Hell No
Show Me: Squid!


"Dying Is The Easy Part"






My friends are knockin' down my door! To play with my Commodore 64? Fuck no: to beat my honky ass for renting SPOOKIES last week! Holy fucking shit. Whose crooked tombstone did I piss on to deserve this punishment? It's one of the most retarded and painful video experiences we've subjected ourselves to here at NOTC since the double feature of GOOD TOUCH / BAD TOUCH and WAMPA WANTS TO FUCK. I mean, how can one go about explaining this shit without pictograms and flash cards? Well, in a way SPOOKIES is kind of like a platypus. Why? Well, let the cunning linguist and part-time Shaolin Pimp Conspirator Z MAN elaborate with the aid of his Wildlife Treasury:

Exhibit A:) It has feet like a duck, but it's furry.

Exhibit B:) It gives milk but has no teet.

Exhibit C:) When the forecast calls for dick, it goes buck wild.

And just like a platypus, when crammed into a VCR and "PLAY" is mashed: SPOOKIES starts to stink like a combination of Horsey Sauce and Janitor Ass. Need proof? Hell, you'll need about 80 proof to make it through this shitstravaganza. Now here's a plot summary that'll put goosebumps on your nuts:

When two carloads of angry, drunken, and butt-ass ugly Canadian wrestling superstars get lost on the way home from a (communist) party: they seek shelter for the night in a ramshackle (word power: +1) old mansion that's wrought with decay and supernatural funk. Little do they know that said bayou funk plantation is inhabited by KREON THE NECROMANCER, an old-skool warlock who is looking for a few good sacrifices to resurrect his long-dead wife and once again mount his fleshy throne of honeymoon ass. So, when the stench of ugly canadian shitstain meets the decaying nostrils of KREON THE NECROMANCER he quickly gets into flipmode, marshalls his undead and demonic forces, and goes hunting for hapless victims within the labyrinthine halls of Casa De Kreon. Of course, when the Canadians catch wind of Kreon's evil scheme, they do their best to fight off the legions of the damned and save their worthless hides from screaming satanic death. But is their best good enough? After all, they are Canadian.

Now don't let my verbal prowess throw your skank neanderthal ass: I made small pox sound good to the Indians of the Plains and then made them sell me their land for a sack of cheap beads and trinkets. SPOOKIES can suck a Japanese bullet train out of Godzilla's radioactive asshole and still have enough power to H.R. Puff-n-Stuff your lifelong dreams in the cosmic commode and fliggity flush your shit into oblivion. The end boss, (CALL HIM KREON) is just fucking pathetic: and his pretentious assholocaust-style monologues drag on for what seem like hours on end. He single-handedly manages to ruin each and every ounce of potential this flick has.

Potential indeed. With a huge arsenal of monsters at his command, we all had hoped for so much. This uppity fucker had control over: miniature lizard slime ghouls, the Asian Demon Queen of Spiders, a vampire midget, a life-sized inflatable Grim Reaper assault golem, undead discomaniac henchmen, an eye beam shooting space witch, and of course... a squadron of farting shagadelic beef zombies. With all this drama in the LBC- how could he fuck it all up? Well, we're all still scratching our nuts over this one. But leave it to KREON's shit potato ass to ruin Christmas for everybody. Yes, he's that fucking awful.

Of course, to be totally fair: SPOOKIES probably deserves to get some credit for the hilarious monster effects it employs. They're right up there with those in FOREVER EVIL in terms of shit factor- and are often downright mesmerizing to see firsthand. However, today I'm not in a mood to give this hulking Comanche renegade ass feast anything more than a savage kick to the midsection and a double underhook spinebuster on to the NOTC SHIT LIST. Welcome home, byatch!

-Z MAN

Our Rating System


Mr. Paul: "You like pornos? Give you a boner? Then try those instead. That is, of course, unless you get off on watching crippled old Necromancers orate on subjects such as: love, Kosovo, and Reagan's economic policy."


Z-man: "I could almost see how some people could justify watching this tidal wave of putrid dick slag. If you're looking for a cruel and unusual way to end the colossal joke that is your life: it's tough to top SPOOKIES in terms of raw ass factor."


Eagle Te: "Make no mistake, this movie sucks a hard SS commandant's cock, but the wholesome appeal of an everyday ordinary businessman doing a Raiden Torpedo dive through a heavy oak door and Aikido flipping death is hard to argue with."


El Santo: "Now is a great time to tell ya'll about a great site called www.doodie.com. Here you'll find horrific sights only a true horror fan could appreciate. As far as this movie goes, well let me quote Shaq here: Excuse me......CAN YOU ROCK???"






Merciful Buddha!
SPOOKIES: YE OLD SHIT LISTE INDUCTEE (4/8/99)