The Stay Awake
Run Time: 90 minutes
Production Company: Godless South African Shitmongers, Inc.
Director: John Bernard
Starring: Tanya Gordon, Heath Porter, Jayne Hutton
T & A: Hell No
Wash Your: Ass
Shaft. He's a complicated man that's no one understands: but his woman. Or maybe his talking electronic battleship. Remember when that bad motha-(SHUT YOUR MOUTH) went to Africa? He beat the piss out of slave traders, that water buffalo with the wooden teet, and buried himself in some sand to avoid a nasty burn. Now that's D.O.P.E. with a capital Shaft. About the only thing that Shaft didn't do in Africa (besides that lop-sided Masai prostitute with dangling ass polyps) was kick the willy-dilly turtle shit out of the people who deserved it most: the souless South African ass-eaters responsible for THE STAY AWAKE. Oh yes, from the same people who brought you "Apartheid: The Animated Series" comes another rancid piece of infectious anal monster meat that's sure to make you wish you had bought those tickets to the Super Bowl of Monster Trucks and watched GRAVEDIGGER beat the shit out of BEARFOOT in the 100 meter Shaolin Protractor pull. A film that'll make you make you fall to your knees and beg ALF to bust a pop-o-matic cap in your nerf ass. A film so awful that you'd prefer ramming a zesty cheddar cheese dildo into Harriet Tubman's Shed Spread Country Crotch to sitting through it. It's a 90 minute freaky hell ride that'll make you sweat til you bleed. Is that dope enough? Indeed.
Let's All Go To The Lobby! Let's All Go To The Lobby! Let's All Go To The Lobby..... and Buy Ourselves Some Crack! We're gonna need some to get through this fucking piece of trash: it sucks cock!
Of course, you wouldn't know it from the plot (or the back of the fucking box). Here's the deal: In the old days, life was pretty swell for the satanic rapist/murderer/fighter/illusionist known as "The Angel of Darkness".... well, until the police caught him and executed him in the ass...uhh, gas chamber. But even after his untimely demise at the hands of man: he sure knew how to have a good time. By striking a bargain with Satan he was given a demonic form and allowed to return ot the world of the living in search of hot virgin bush beef. And where did his vaginal safari take him? Why, to the all-girl catholic school on the outskirts of Townsville, of course! It just so happens that the same fateful night that The Angel of Darkness returned to earth, a group of eight post-teen catholic school girls were having what we in America call a "lock in" at the school. Of course, this being South Africa, they call it a fucking "stay awake". They also call potato chips "potato crisps", which proves that they are unworthy of licking the turd off my boot. However, like all bitches of the earth: they call me "sire" and beg to join my Assfuck Empire. Butt that's beside the point. When the Angel of Darkness makes a house call- shit hits the fan. One by one... the girls, along with all those horny teens who come to visit them in search of bush, begin disappearing in strange and frightful ways. Who can stop this horrible marble madness? Well, besides STOP or EJECT... it's up to the girls' boarding school teacher Ms. X (who looks suspiciously like Twisted Sister's DEE SNIDER in that "We're Not Gonna Take It" video) to take it to the demon and send the Angel of Darkness back to hell!
Oh how I loathe this obese nugget of turd fodder! Let me count the ways:
Now, by and large I'm a huge fan of catholic school girls in hollywood film. They usually prance about in mail order-lingerie while East German dominatrix she-wolves spank them without mercy or open cans of Pace Picante Sauce with their prehensile clits. However, the Catholic School girls in THE STAY AWAKE are woefully inadequate in every conceivable way.... but especially in the all important naked way. These bitches taunt and tease... but no matter how you beg and plead: THEY NEVER GET NAKED! For Zod's sake- the twists take showers with fucking towels on! What the fuck? That right there gets the old heave ho and a bionic boot in the asshole.
And if the appalling lack of nudity isn't enough to make your pud boil: then you can always cite the completely fucking retarded END BOSS as the source of your pain. The "Angel of Darkness" for all the crazy mad shit he talks- looks, acts, and stinks like a dirty cunt. His kills fucking suck... with the sole exception of the instance where he uses his telekinesis to make an old man's heart burst from his chest and hit the wall like a wet sock of spooge.
Of course, you'll never make it that far into this hacky nutsack odyssey of shit-stained pain. Sure... the title will double dare you to STAY AWAKE, but if you've got a bean of a brain in that fucking meat dome you call a head you'll take the PHYSICAL CHALLENGE instead and pick giant boogers out of a 4-foot paper mache nostril until you find the orange flag. Sitting through the entire 90 minute renegade dolt-fuck that is THE STAY AWAKE without slipping into dreamland is a goddamn impossibility... and anyone who disagrees can argue with the flailing mailed fists of FISTO and JITSU. Take heed!
Our Rating System
Mr. Paul: "Don't dream!"
Z-man: "As if you needed another reason to hate South Africa, along comes this dragging anal cyst biscuit. It's about as much fun as having a 120mm artillery round hammered into your ass by Gigan."
Eagle Te: "The title says it all, you'll be fighting to stay awake in this absolute bomb of a movie. It's like watching a porno with all the fucking edited out."
THE STAY AWAKE: YE OLD SHIT LISTE INDUCTEE (3/10/99)