I Stil Know What You Did Last Summer
I Still Know
Run Time: ?? minutes
Production Company: Mandalay Entertainment
Director: Danny Cannon (Dream Trap, The Night Brings Charlie)
Starring: Jennifer Love Hewitt (plus Aphrodite A and B), Brandi Norwood, Mekhi Phifer, JEFFREY COMBS
T & A: Hell No
For some reason, I was really looking forward to this one. Never mind the fact that it had Brandy. Never mind the fact that the title is simply pitiful. Hell, never mind the fact that it has the same lame ass Gordon fisherman killer. The simple fact is that Eagle Te had the chance to watch Jennifer Love Hewitt. Thats all you have to say. Let me spell it out for you...HER TITTIES ARE ABSOLUTELY PERFECT! When danger nears they swell to unimaginable proportions and I have yet to see a more perfect bounce factor in a pair of titties when it comes time to run from from that oh so bad man with the hook! Simply put she is the only reason that anyone of us here at NOTC gave a damn about seeing what did in fact turn out to be a smoking turd of a horror flick! Before I begin the reaming of this utterly forgettable flick, here is a brief plot synopsis: Julie James, our favorite hottie from the original, is still plagued by the paranoia of her traumatic experiences where her friends were rather rudely BUTCHERED by Da man with the Hook! You would think she would be over it by now, but hey, then there wouldn't be room for a sequel! Things are getting serious as her paranoid episodes result in her running screaming from class (don't worry, baby, thats the common reaction most mortal females have when they learn of the SHEER size of Te's Shaolin manhood, it takes some getting used to!), breaking up with her boyfriend, seeing Mr. Hook at the local dance club (even mass murderers need to shake it!), and nearly butchering Brandy with a butcher knife...damn...what might have been!
Now that you are armed with the plot, guess what? This movie SUCKS swollen Bigfoot nuts and if you shell out 6 or 7 bucks to see it you will walk out of the theater with a distinct soreness of the rectum that you haven't experienced since the Gay Orgy Survivor Series at Prison Prom '98! And unlike Prison Prom '98, you don't walk out with the turquoise colored shirt with "Anal Interrogation: Everybody Talks!" monogrammed on the back in sequins! Make no mistake people, you will get butt fucked hardcore if you shell out money to see this! What's so bad about it, you ask? Well for starters, save for two or three scenes, ALL the kills suck and are so generic and overplayed chances are you will be fighting off sleep by the end of the first half hour. The only thing that saved this movie from the shit heap was the presence of three things: Jennifer Love Hewitt's ample bosum, kung fu smurfs trained to descend from rooftops and bust hot smurf jizz in your eye (ok so that didn't happen but it should have, damn it!) and the simple presence of the MVP of the bad horror movie, Jeffrey Combs from RE-ANIMATOR and FROM BEYOND fame! It's nice to see the old favorites still employed...Jeffrey, you go girl! Seriously, if there is a saving grace to this film it's to see Combs play the asshole hotel manager to perfection and then to see the hilarious scene where you get to see what Mr. Hook did to our MVP! We here at NOTC love a good shitty movie more than anybody, but there is a fine line between making a good, fun, and enjoyable bad horror movie and simply making a BAD movie! Unfortunately, I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER falls over the line into simply a bad movie and would have done well to learn from Chucky 4 which showed the world what a bad movie (and especially a sequel for God's sake) should be, fun, stupid with creative and ridiculous deaths, and doesn't take itself to seriously! Wait for video if you have to see it (and the fair maiden that is Jennifer Love Hewitt makes it worth it) but be warned, this is an uninspired and not all that fun sequel that should be on the WB rather than on the big screen!
And now for a brief afternote: Pamela Springsteen (faithful NOTC fans will know her as Angela from the Sleepaway Camp series) we're through, bitch! Even a kung fu master has needs and baby you just ain't fulfilling them anymore! As much as I love the nightly sessions where you chase after me through the dojo with a chainsaw, cut off my Gi pants in one vicous stroke, and then take advantage of me in unnatural but pleasurable ways, last week you crossed the line. You broke my Bolo autographed copy of Mike Tyson's Punchout for my Nintendo over my nutsack and then proceeded to try get me to wear a Wonder Woman mask while you jammed a shampoo bottle in my ass! YOU BROKE MY BOLO AUTOGRAPHED PUNCHOUT CARTRIDGE....BITCH! So here's your walking papers bitch, don't let the car door hit you ass on the way out! What's that you say? I'll never find another? HA HA HA, you forget...I'm a Kung Fu Genius! I'll have you know ho that I just got married! Thats right, NOTC FANS...Eagle Te is now married! Who? Who could possibly have captured this prized Kung Fu villain's affections and excretions? None other than Jennifer Love Hewitt herself! That's right, Angela, she does things for me that you never could! I knew she was the one when she caught me in a headlock with those titties and Judo flipped me through the front window and then proceeded to pelt my fallen, nude form with rotten Crunch Berries. Then, with my Shaolin butt cheeks crimson with shame, she marched me down the street in a pair of Fantastic Four underoos with the ass cut out calling me a dirty and filthy whore! I was humiliated....AND I LOVED IT! After that it was a fast courting and today I am happy to announce our marriage in the Hall of Justice at 5 pm! The ceremony will be presided over by Hee Il Cho and will feature Live entertainment from the singing talents of David Hasselhoff and John Tesh! Say hello to Jennifer Love Te, mistress of Tiger Hill!
Our Rating System
Mr. Paul: "Brandi has such a gigantic ass! I can't fucking believe it! The movie is pretty shitty. The kills were totally lacking (as would be expected) and Jennifer Love Hewitt doesn't get naked (but goddamn! those titties were rockin'!) They would express her different moods throughout the film... when she was angry, they were angry. When she was at ease, they were at ease. Unless you're a die hard psycho fanatic don't waste your time... If you are a fanatic, have yourself commited."
Z-man: "Something that would make this movie really scary? Seeing BRANDI's gigantic bubble ass in IMAX. However, as it stands, this flick is a complete waste of time. A useless killer, a useless cast (Comrade Combs withstanding, of course), and a ridiculous 'twist' ending make I STILL KNOW about as much fun as getting a fishing hook lodged in your scrotum. Definitely one to avoid."
Eagle Te: "If you ain't in it to see Jennifer Love Te flash her ample treasures in wet bathrobes then skip it you damn homos!!! This movie is a major disappointment and only gets a star for each one of Jennifer's luscious titties!!!!"
El Santo: "Well, let's face it folks, we didn't come to this movie to get scared...we didn't come to be surprised...and we sure as hell didn't come for a plot! So why did we watch this movie? Two Words: "BIG TITTIES"....Or how about "NICE ASS" or would you care for some "GOOD PUSSY"! I really don't have much to say about the movie... so I won't, you fuck! But what I will say is that Jennifer what's her name deserves to have my dick ramed up her cunt, cuz El Santo sez so!"
Marquis De Sade: "I haven't been teased by titty that much since the Great Dolly Parton Look-A-Like Contest of 1986. And would someone please give this guy something to use other than a hook?"