Year: 1998
Rated: R
Run Time: 104 minutes
Production Company: Largo Entertainment, Storm King
Director: John Carpenter (Halloween, They Live, Big Trouble In Little China, and The Thing, just to name a few)
Starring: James Woods, Daniel Baldwin, Sheryl Lee, Thomas Ian Griffith
T & A: Well Yes
How's It Goin: Are You Flowin'?

"That's It Padre, Fuck With Him!"

John Carpenter is considered by many to be the six headed, mecha-king badass of the horror industry. He set the standard for the the modern slasher film with "HALLOWEEN" back in 1978. He horrified audiences with his excellent rendition of "THE THING" back in 1982. Hell, he even made our sorry little 10 year old asses jump up and down in movie theaters across the nation with "BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA" back in 1986. But that was a long time ago... back when DEVO ruled the earth and Pac Man gobbled power pellets faster than your sister gobbled dick. In recent years, John Carpenter's films haven't exactly been what you'd call highlights of an amazing career. His recent string of films include the lame-ass "ESCAPE FROM L.A." the dry-ass "VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED" (1995), the critically reamed "IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS" (1995), and the embarassing slice of Shit Surprise known as "BODY BAGS" (1993). So with all of this in mind, we were a bit skeptical when we heard rumors sprouting up about his latest horror project: "VAMPIRES". Some of us here at NOTC wondered aloud if John Carpenter's legacy of brutality had finally come to an end. After a solid decade of getting more ass than a toilet seat, was John Carpenter's horror career stuck in a permanent rut? Well, on September 4th, 1998, four of NIGHT OF THE CREEPS' luckiest bastards got the opportunity to see for themselves when they snagged passes to a special advance screening of VAMPIRES in Atlanta... nearly TWO MONTHS before its mainstream theatrical release. However- the screening was set against a backdrop of the annual "Sailor Moon Fat Ass Fuckfest" known as "DRAGON CON", and the presence of roving bands of 300 pounders dressed up like Romulan Space Commandoes drastically damaged the cool ambiance of such a screening. Still, even though we had to put up with all that shit, we all walked away from "VAMPIRES" with that feeling of wholesome goodness that one can only obtain after:

A: A gentle douche of vinegar and water.


B: Witnessing one of the most kick ass Vampire Slaughters on Earth.

Adapted from the John Steakley novel "VAMPIRE$" the film focuses on the exploits of the Vatican's most prominent vampire slayer, the unbelievable hard ass JACK CROW. Crow, along with his alcohol soaked crew of vampire murdering sadists, wreak havoc upon nest after nest of vampires across North America with their deadly (and exotic) high tech weaponry. Their good at their job. The best. Team Crow outperforms all of their counterparts across the globe in all catagories: More confirmed kills, More busted vampire nests, and More parties with big tittied hookers than any other squad around. However, life isn't all shits and giggles for Team Crow. On their latest vampire hunt in the American Southwest, they manage to exterminate an entire nest of vampires, save one: the Master Vampire named VALEK. Unbeknownst to Team Crow, Valek is no "common" Master- he is a supreme Vampire Lord who, as a result of a botched "Reverse Exorcism" 700 years ago, has been granted complete invulnerability during the night hours. The Vampire hunters find this out the hard way when Valek tracks them down at their latest Sloppy Drunk Tijuana Fuck Party at THE SUN GOD MOTEL. Valek goes on a turbo charged killing spree and murders just about everyone at the party (hookers and all). Only team leader Jack Crowe, his right hand man Tony Montoya, and the voluptuous hooker Katrina escape with their lives.

However, it is later discovered that Katrina has been bitten by Pimp Master Valek during the melee- and is destined to change into a vampire herself in a matter of days. So what do our intrepid heroes do? Race to find a cure for her? Hell no, they tie that bitch up and use her for BAIT in an effort to lure Valek out into a situation where they can frag him. Taking full advantage of the fact that an ever-strengthening "psychic link" develops between Master and bitten victim- Crow and Montoya use Katrina to actually "see" through Valek's eyes in her series of ever intensifying nightmares. Through this clairvoyance- they discover that Valek is on a mission to uncover the unholy relic known as "The Black Cross", an artifact that will allow Vampires to walk in sunlight with no ill-effects. Needless to say- Crow just can't let that shit happen. Enlisting the aid of the rookie vampire killer Padre Guiteau, the shattered remnants of Team Crow launch one last ditch effort to keep Valek and his minions away from the Black Cross and to blow every last one of those bloodsucking bastards back to Hell.

Mr. Carpenter shouldn't be concerned about anyone seizing his crown just yet... not with an atomic powered badass like "VAMPIRES" under his belt. This is definitely the best movie that Carpenter has released this entire decade. No shit. Just like a trip up your sister's corn chute on Prom Night, VAMPIRES is quick, dirty, and well worth the $7.00 you pay to get inside. VAMPIRES pummels your ass into submission with a never-ending barrage of graphic violence, mind-numbing profanity, and a shit load of hardcore sacreligious content. The flagrant shots at the Catholic Church were probably the biggest shock to all of us. In the world of VAMPIRES Catholic priests perform Satanic Rituals, Padres get drunk and frolic with naked prostitues on screen, monks get their asses torn to shreds, altars are defiled, Cardinals sell their souls to Satan, folks get crucified, and God-faring clergymen get tortured BY THE GOOD GUYS. Just when you think that simple moral decency would take over and prohibit John Carpenter from making Valek decapitate the Priest with a 12 gauge blast- he goes right ahead and squeezes the trigger. It's pretty fucking shocking that the Ratings Board would let a lot of this content slip by with just an "R" rating. (NOTE: Keep in mind that we saw a special screening of this film- released two months before the theatrical release... and much of this content may get edited out before Halloween) But in the tough and gritty world of John Carpenter's VAMPIRES, all of this nastiness fits perfectly. It's a tough as nails story with some serious badasses in command. James Woods (who many of us would scarcely think as being a bile swilling hardass) stands out as one of the meanest sons of bitches in history in his role Vatican's Master Vampire Slayer, JACK CROW. This guy simply does not give a fuck about anybody or anything- be it Vampire or Catholic. He'll crack a nun's nose with the butt of a Winchester just as soon as he'd impale a Vampire's groin with a wooden stake. Take all the cold-blooded HATRED that Wesley Snipes character felt for his foes in "BLADE" and multiply that shit by your mama's waist size: THAT is what Jack Crow is all about.

The bottom line is that "VAMPIRES" is absolutely fantastic. While not as fast paced and frenzied like its Vampire hating cousin "BLADE", VAMPIRES delivers a much more visceral and angry dose of entertainment to the audience. John Carpenter once again proves that he can jump out of nowhere and deliver a stunning boot to your testicles before you know what hit you. In a horror scene currently dominated by pussy-ass 90210 slashers like "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER" and "DISTURBING BEHAVIOR" it's hard to recommend this flick enough. VAMPIRES is a healthy dose of old-school splatter that doesn't waste its time with the "politically correct" bullshit that has essentially neutered much of the horror industry, and there is absolutely no excuse to miss this one in the theaters. We've given you ample warning... now go forth, fellow scum- and revel in the infernal splendor of JOHN CARPENTER'S VAMPIRES!

-Z Man

Our Rating System

Mr. Paul: "Even though I had to endure a day with a bunch of freaks dressed up as Klingons... and listen to how the second season of Babylon 5 was not only far superior to the first but how it was a parallel to the life of both Jesus Christ and Luke Skywalker... I didn't let that get me down. This movie was every bit as good as the people said it was going to be. Woods rocked total ass! Even the "Fat" Baldwin was good. If you like the unwarranted killing of everything in sight (which you know you do!) then you'll love every second of this. The wait will be long... but well fucking worth it. "

Z-man: "With enough sacreligous content to make meatballs shoot out of the Pope's ass, VAMPIRES is a sure fire hit at any Church Gathering: be it Ice Cream Social or Spanish Inquisition! An instant classic!"

Eagle Te: "For those of you who are religiously sensitive, you might want to skip it. But if you can get past this than you have a seriously kick ass movie on your hands. This movie doesn't give a damn about political correctness and shits on all you hold dear!! The insane violence is absolutely unbelievable and should be a cult favorite for years to come!!!!"

(Special Guest Announcer) Marquis De Sade: "This is the flagship film for the end of political correctness in cinema and all I can say is about fucking time! The decaps, the fountains of monk blood, you'll eat it up with a forked cross and say Please Master De Sade, can my bitch ass have some more? I'll leave you with this question...Got Wood?"

Ookla The Mok: "This movie was about awesome as hell. My only regret is the lack of originality and coolness of Jack's weapons. Blade could have killed him and his whole vampire posse without having to reload. However, the titty in Vampire's more is of such a caliber as to make up for any loss of fire power."

General Zod: "Mexican flavored vampire movie starring a stoic, a vampire master, a fat Baldwin, a ho, a priest with a shotgun, and a vast array of headless monks. General Zod hasn't seen a cast this perfect since Golden Girls went off the air. Who wants Sizzler?"

The Official "VAMPIRES" Homepage

Still can't get enough of VAMPIRES? Why not haul your disease ridden carcass over to the official VAMPIRES page: It's chock full of all the blood-sucking mayhem you'd expect from the Master of Horror himself: Cast Bios and Interviews, an Online Vampire Museum, Message Boards, the Theme Music(!), and a lot of other shit that fags like you probably can't stomach. It's graphic intensive and slick as hell... so don't come bitchin' to us if your sissy computer can't handle the truth. That's it Padre, Fuck With Him!