Year: 1999
Rated: R
Run Time: 94 minutes
Production Company: Universal
Director: John Bruno
Starring: Jamie Lee Curtis, William Baldwin, Donald Sutherland, and Sherman Augustus as "the token black guy"
T & A: Hell No
Take Back The Night: Push It In Her Butt

"Life On Earth Is In For A Shock!"

Ever been in the Eye of a Storm? You travel through the worst shit imaginable, everything the world can think to throw at you, all swirling around in a massive chaotic maelstrom. And when you get to the Eye, it's this eerie calm. A silence and clarity that mystifies it's occupants. Not only with it's serenity, but with the knowledge that you're only half-way there and pretty soon your gonna have to brave that shit again. 'Virus' tells you, you ain't out of the storm yet.

I was so excited at first. The good people at NoTC offered me two very special gifts. The first was the Bound and Gagged french underage schoolgirl on my doorstep. The second, a note attached to her ball gag..."Would you like to do a review of 'Virus' for us?" I was so elated, I nearly forgot to lube up. I did my research, checked my facts, and raided the local multi-plex looking for Jamie Lee to fuck shit up. I thought, "Producer Gale Ann Hurd pulled off some good shit with Relic, Terminator, and Aliens. Tippet Studios did some awesome visual effects in Starship Troopers. So what if the director's only other job was the Terminator ride at universal studios. Who cares that the writer also wrote Navy Seals and Hard Target? It's got Jamie Lee, with Tits that go on for days!" Never judge shit based solely on Tit, folks.

Our film starts out aboard the Russian Science Vessel, the Akademic Vladislav Volkov, where they are just about to download some shit (who fucking knows what) from the Russian space station, MIR. Just before the download, however, an unknown electrical discharge fries the MIR and an alien entity is downloaded instead into the Volkov. Enter the Sea Star seven days later, a tugboat crew making a final haul with the Captain's last and most expensive cargo in tow. Trying to escape a vicious typhoon, their cargo sinks and they wind up in the eye of the storm. Seeing the deserted Volkov (and knowing exactly what type of ship it is and what is on it, thanks to Jamie Lee's handy little Guide to Russian Science ships she whips out) they decide salvaging a 300 million dollar science ship is better then nothing and decide to take a look aboard.

Now shit moves fast as the Sea Star crew restores power to the Russian ship and re-awakens the alien inside. Then shit gets weird as an anchor mysteriously falls through their tug, a Russian Science Officer opens fire with a Mac 10 on their unsuspecting asses, and crew members start disappearing. Add to that a bunch of spider-droids running loose on the ship, a re-invented cybernetic Orkin Man hunting them down, and their lost friends becoming Borg wanna-be's, and you would think this movie has it all, n'est-pas?

Wrong! First, the kills are lame. Quick, painless, and not overly graphic (or at least not as graphic as we like to ingest in a daily can of Whoop-ass) The action is short, sporadic, and dull. Dumb shit jumps out at the screen, but the "scary" shit you can hear coming a mile away. And who the fuck is afraid of a fucking Erector Set coming to get you? And, yes, you guessed it. No Titty. Not even a tight, glistening wet suit on our generously curvy heroine. And the ending, I don't even wanna talk about it.

Over-all, I'm sorry, the visual effects were kinda cool, with definately a good premise in mind, but falls short on the follow-through. Think of this as Alien meets Deep Rising without the humor, suspense, or intense, original action sequences. C'est La Vie.

-Marquis De Sade

Our Rating System

Mr. Freeze: "You must examine VIRUS as you would and classic novel by R. L. Stine or perhaps a film by the Olsen twins... with an open mind Don't pawn off inovative filming techniques and story-telling ideas as amatuer mistakes. It is the work of kung-fu genius."

Ice Cube: "What a rough night at the movies- and that was before I was hit in the head with an iceberg. The characters in this runny shitfest are weak as hell...and can't even die right half the fucking time. But man, I've got to give monster props to the cybernetic human autopsy chamber sequence (guts a plenty!)... and that Svengali meat droid thing. Still, VIRUS is a poor excuse for a monster flick....and that sci-fi drama crap can inhale my spicy squat stench."

Iced Te: "Yeah it's a little retarded but the action scenes are actually pretty funny. Overall though, it's about as enjoyable as the reunion episode of Hardcastle and McCormick...and if you know and remeber just what I am talking about then you get Eagle Te's "It's Electric!" award!"

Un Gelato: "This movie is really weak in characters, plot, and in overall pussy. But for some strange reason it still had potential. Maybe it's just me but GEO-NEO-BIO-ROBOTICS and Gay Bees make for some really scary shit: which is why this movie has potential. Rent it or see it at the dollar movies!"

Vanilla Ice: " Kinda Ironic to think you're getting your ass kicked by robotic demons you can short out with a super-soaker."

Slippery When White: "Do you want to suck my cock BEZERKER!"

( Click Up Dere For Ookla's VIRUS Scrapbook! )