Witchboard
Year: 1985
Rated: R
Run Time: 98 minutes
Production Company: Cinema Group
Director: Kevin S. Tenney (Night of the Demons, Witchtrap, Witchboard 2, Demolition University)
Starring: Tawny Kitaen, Stephen Nichols, J.P. Luebsen
T & A: Hell Yes
Welcome Back: Kotter




"Don't Play With It Alone!"





As a graduate of Demolition University, I've always considered myself an upstanding member of society. I never used my eye beams for evil, never wiped my ass on the dog, and adamantly refused to "stick it where it doesn't belong" (something that got me kicked out of Clown College). Oh sure, I have been known to stick my dick in the mashed potatoes.... but it definitely belongs there. The fact is, with countless hours of "sensitivity training" involving a barbed wire flail and a ravenous ass badger, I felt as though I was perfectly capable of making sensible choices in my life. I always ate a sensible dinner (after a delicious shake for breakfast and some hot lesbian action for lunch), I always have sense enough to open the toilet lid before I shit, and my sixth sense helped the police solve the mystery. So why in the 16-bit fuck did I willingly subject the NOTC Review Squad to the cancer causing pain of Witchboard? Some would blame it on Pac Man Fever, some would Blame It On The Rain, and some would blame it on the fact that we saw the second installment of the Witchboard series first and decided the original couldn't possibly be WORSE. Well fuck us in the ass with a pirate's peg leg: it was. Bitchboard was a punishing experience that broke two of my mandarin ribs and got me pregnant: all in the span of 98 minutes. The puppy surprise was on me, goddammit- so watch and learn from a real survivor about the true nature of the yeast.

The plot of Witchboard centers around Linda Brewster (no relation to Punky) and the evil that befalls her whilst trying to communicate with the dead with a Ouija board. Linda's a hot 'n' sassy 80s style superstar who falls under the seductive spell of the ouija one night at a big (hair) party, and while the Ouija Master (HP 9 STR 7 INT 18 DEX 12 AC 7 Treasure Type N) warns her to "never play with it alone", the silly bitch does just that. She plays with alone. She plays with it often. Despite her Catholic priest's adamant pleas for her to put down the Ouija and pick up an altar boy- poor Linda is out of control. She comes in contact with a spirit named "David" who claims to be the spirit of a seven year old (altar) boy... but in reality is a Portugese murderer named MALFEITOR. Malfeitor, being the evil Portugese bastard he is, starts to use his supernatural force to kill off all of Linda's acquaintances in a series of bizarre accidents. However, by the time that anybody realizes what the hell is going on, Malfeitor has already siezed control of Linda's soul: warping her personality to match his own EVIL TEMPLATE.

Now I like evil templates just as much as the next guy (especially the microwavable kind), but in the name of the sweet puffs of wheat that launch out of Buddha's ass in times of danger- THIS MOVIE FUCKING SUCKS. That's about as technical as I can get today, considering I just lost a racquetball match with King Vitamin. His 12 essential vitamins and minerals proved to be too much for me to handle on the court as well as the breakfast table. But anyway, about WITCHBOARD. What a fucking disappointment this one was... all across the (ahem) board. The plot was excruciatingly slow paced- with way too much talking and not enough killing/fucking/snowboarding/landlubbing to go round. Sure, Tawny Kitaen (Linda) was pretty cute and (as in all her contracts) she showed us a little bit of titty. By the time Tawny's brawny pleasure globes graced the silver screen- the damage had been done to our fragile ape minds. It was two titties, too late. And to make it worse, we had to deal with a character so fucking obnoxious that she essentially cancelled out the positive influence of titty: the psychic punk bitch. I swear to Muk-Muk of the New Power Generation that her very presence alone will make you say "Uuuhhhhh". Fuck that shit in the ass with a glazed ham. You will be sorry God gave you eyes when you see this hotch.

However, there is one scene in this fucker that is *almost* worth the price of rental. It's when our main man Lloyd takes a snooze on the construction site that results in about 6 tons of sheet rock being dropped on his ass! OH GOD! When you see the bludgeoning impact that this dummy sustains from this hit- YOU WILL SHIT. We had a tough time finding the damn rewind button fast enough to view this priceless moment again and again. A similar phenomenon was experienced in the slightly-better sequel WITCHBOARD II: DEVIL'S DOORWAY when the resident hippie landlord bitch was taken out (along with her van) by a runaway wrecking ball. Both were great fucking scenes in really shitty horror flicks that almost justified their rental. Still, don't be suckered into getting this hulking wad of cro-magnon ass spooge. It's a legacy of pain that was not meant for mortal man to experience- and stands just two nipples away from the depths of the infamous NOTC SHIT LIST...So KoKo B. Ware!

-Z Man

Our Rating System


Mr. Paul: "Imagine a world without hate, bigotry, malicious behavior, and weapons of mass destruction. Imagine a place where you're not afraid to walk down the street at night or where you don't bother to lock your doors. Sounds wonderful, right? Well, shit like Witchboard prevents such a place from existing. Thanks Jackass!"


Z-man: "Now that we've got this party started, everybody get retarded. Glock Glock, Mothafucka!"


Eagle Te: "The two stars are for ONE absolutely kick ass scene where you will be rolling on the floor with laughter. Luckily it's in the very beginning so if you rent this you won't have to suffer too long to get to the good part! And that's a good thing too considering the rest of this movie sucks major ass and will send you reaching for your Monsters of Diva CD to calm your wounded soul!"


El Santo: "Do you like gay movies that have no plot, run forever, and have ugly women that pretend to be hot? Well I don't either and I don't appreciate the fact that Witchboard made me see that kind of crap! Fuck you Witchboard! Other than the Human manwhich you made, everything else sucked Pete's Dick, and let me tell you, that's ONE BIG DICK!!!"