Witchboard 2

Year: 1993
Rated: R
Run Time: 98 minutes
Production Company: Republic Pictures Corporation
Director: Kevin Tenney
Starring: Ami Dolenz, Christopher Michael Moore, Laraine Newman
T & A: Hell No
Hooker: TJ

"It Started As An Obsession...
It Turned Into A Possession!"

It seemed like only yesterday that the NIGHT OF THE CREEPS' Crack Whore Go-Bot Assault Team invaded the local KOORANGA video store / Underground Slave Pit Bar-B-Q in search of fresh meat to feed to our ravenous NOTC Review Squad... They were given orders to pick up 100 Honey Bar-B-Q Wings and the first installment of the famed WITCHBOARD horror series (one of the few that none of us had ever experienced). Imagine our disgust when they returned with a single, warped chicken wing (that had obviously been lodged in a puma's asshole prior to arriving at NOTC HQ) and a copy of WITCHBOARD 2! After venting our frustrations upon the hapless Go-Bots with bat, chain, and barrel, we decided to go ahead and give WITCHBOARD 2 a shot... But then MR. PAUL commented on the fact that common sense dictates that one does does not start watching a horror series from the wrong end, as it will completely ruin the "mise en scene" of the entire series. Upon finding out what the fuck "mise en scene" meant in our trusty NOTC Speak 'n' Read Hasbro Dictionary... we beat the Honky Tonk out of that crass bastard with folding chairs and a spanner for using such pretty words. So, with murder on our minds and Nintendo Power in our hearts... we all sat down to witness the horror of WITCHBOARD 2- while MR. PAUL was forced to sit in TIME OUT.

So what exactly was this flick about? Aside from the clenched buttocks of the hot-ass-hell heroine Paige (played by Ami Dolenz)... who's to say? However, upon reading the back of the box in a dark and shadowy corner of the video store (so no one could see), I uncovered the plot:

When nice-girl Paige moves into a rooftop studio apartment in the big city... she discovers a mysterious OUIJA BOARD inside one of the closets that was apparently left behind by the previous owners. Intrigued by the bizarre artifact, Paige sits down one evening and begins to ask the board questions as kind of a joke. Imagine her surprise when she begins receiving supernatural messages from an entity that claims to be the previous tenant in the apartment! Not only that, but this spirit also claims to have been murdered while living there! (scared yet?) Paige, although wetting her panties in terror a number of times, begins to do a little snooping of her own in an effort to unravel the mysterious circumstances of the previous tenant's disappearance. However, as her investigation begins to close in on the horrible truth... mighty strange things begin happening around the apartment: The maintenance man gets attacked by a heat-seeking buzzsaw while scratching his ass crack in the underground boiler room. The aging hippie landlady gets fucking ANNIHILATED when a runaway wrecking ball wipes both her and her MYSTERY MACHINE van off the face of the earth with all the force of an atom bomb (one of the most classic scenes ever witnessed by our stupid asses!) Strange hallucinations (other than those induced by all the acid the production crew dropped before making this Turd Fest) start to plague everyone around Paige. Finally, after surviving an odyssey of paranormal terror, Paige uncovers this shocking truth about the previous tenant and her grisly demise. The result is a horrible force from beyond that tries to dominate Paige's fragile idiot mind and utilize her as a tool of the Devil! Can she survive such a hellish onslaught with her sanity intact? Dear Yog, after watching this rancid smear of goblin spooge- CAN ANY OF US?

The back of the WITCHBOARD 2 box warns its audience that the film contains some shocking scenes of violence and/or satanic unwholesomeness. What the back of the box DOESN'T warn its audience about is the fact that the beautiful AMI DOLENZ doesn't get naked ONCE in the 98 minutes that this doo-gong pig fucker of a horror flick lasts. Frankly, loyal Citizens of The AbomiNation, the possibility that MS. DOLENZ would get naked and work out on the uneven bars was the only thing that kept us going after the first 20 minutes. The "scares", gore, and kills in this overall unsatisfying flick fall short on practically all marks. With the sole exception of the wrecking ball blasting the hippie dike and her van into oblivion (which is ALMOST worth rental price on its own)... it's hard to justify someone renting this limp addition to the NOTC Pantheon of Pain when there are so many superior horror movies lurking on video store shelves. Take the advice of some (potty) trained professionals, ladies and gentlemen: don't waste your time with this Phantom Fart Fucking.

-Z Man

Our Rating System

Mr. Paul: "Let me go ahead and spoil the surprise, she doesn't get naked. She gets really close, but dammit- she just won't go all the way. Aside from that... it's okay I guess. Towards the end we started talking about Wrestling and stopped paying attention to the movie."

Z-man: "A few well placed wrecking balls and a heat-seeking buzzsaw assault from beyond salvage this one from the depths of our SHIT LIST... but by no means make this sequel a winner. Definitely not recommended, kids... so KoKo B Ware."

El Santo: "The movie pretty much sucked as horror flicks go! It had a cool use for a wrecking ball, but that's about it! HOWEVER, the chick in this film is EXTREMELY hot! She dosen't get naked and she teases alot, but DAMN, it's worth it!"

Eagle Te: "Very slow in places but overall an enjoyable flick! The girl is unbelievably stupid and the wrecking ball scene where the Woodstock hippie chick and her fucking Mystery Machine get wiped out is worth the price of rental alone!!! Unfortunately the slow parts will have you wanting to break that damn witchboard over the ass of the hot chick who just can't seem to put it down!"