Xtro
Year: 1983
Rated: R
Run Time: 80 minutes
Production Company: Universal Pictures
Director: Harry Bromley Davenport
Starring: Philip Sayer, Bernice Stegers, Danny Brainin
T & A: Hell Yes
Daddy Drinks: Because You Cry



"This Alien is PURE EVIL!"






From those same limey bastards who brought you crumpets, bad teeth, and taxation without representation comes the Sinistar alien ass fuck XXXTRO. It's high brow British comedy at its most refined: complete with acid spittle, a 4 foot alien assault dong, and a touching birth scene in which a fully grown human male rips his way out of Placentatown U.S.A. Legend has it that there's a plot hiding somewhere amidst the heaps of rancid alien birth-meat, so thanks to the supreme intellect of our DECEPTICON stepchildren (the MEXICONS) the soul of XTRO shall be delivered unto you.

One fateful day, whilst playing fetch with the family dog Fuckles in the backyard of his British hovel, Sam Phillips threw his stick a bit too high. High enough, apparently, to attract the attention of a patrolling alien war craft belonging to some vile Tribe of intergalactic cumsluts bent on carnal vengeance. The alien war craft swoops down and beams poor Sam aboard- and whisks him off into oblivion, leaving his wife Rachael and his ugly kid Tony to fend for themselves. Fetch was never the same again.

Fast forward to three years later: on a dark and dank English night, Sam Phillips returns to earth....sort of. Apparently, the genetic code for Sam is contained within the loins of a crab-like alien sex beast that must find a human woman to give birth to a full grown Sam clone. So, what we have is a four legged alien dong fiend looking for a hot piece of ass to bust. And bust it he does. Not being the choosy sort of alien bastard, the little xtroid stalks the ugliest British woman on the whole damn island and politely inquires if she'd enjoy a good hard shag. When she starts screaming and throwing furniture- the troid (whose teeth are arguably in better shape than most British citizens) just knocks her ass down and lays that alien pipe.

After planting his alien seed, the little sex grinch crawls into the corner and just croaks... leaving the woman to deliver a fully grown version of Sam in a hellishly nasty birth scene that leaves tattered placental tissues wallpapering her living room. Her faithful dog sure seems to enjoy the free meal, though. Mmmm.... placenta.

So now, we're left with some fucked up alien-style Sam who seeks out his family to bond....and well, pass along the horrible curse of his contagious alien death spores. However, when he arrives home, he discovers that his wife has moved on with her life and begun living in sin with local asshole Joe. When Sam returns, despite the fact that he can't relate to organisms who don't have eight dicks and feeding tentacles growing out of their asses, he plunges the whole family into a storm of hurt and confused feelings.

Yes, FEELINGS, goddammit....the supreme downfall of XTRO. From the moment that our MVP alien hump drone dies and Sam is "reborn": the movie goes right down the fucking commode. It was enough to completely destroy the resolve of the entire NIGHT OF THE CREEPS review squad... so we turned that ugly bastard off and went downtown for some real entertainment. After beating the shit out of midgets at the miniature golf courses for two hours, our arms got tired...so we returned to NOTC HQ and popped in XTRO again to see if it had learned its lesson and changed its ways. It obviously hadn't, so after 5 more minutes of excruciating butterbean soap opera bullshit we executed our finest dunkaroo dunk and slam dunked that fucking tape into oblivion. Game over, man.

But why isn't this flick destined for the confines of the SHIT LIST? Well, the simple fact that XTRO contains explicit sexual scenes of an extraterrestrial nature keeps this one off of the damn list. The special effects during this deviant diddy kong sex act are some of the nastiest ever captured on film- and that's no shit. A lot of extreme close ups of wet alien genitals just put this scene over the fucking top. These days, without lowering yourself to renting that Japanimated bullshit, it's pretty tough to see an alien get its glistening 4 foot alien dong sucked by a earth woman. So take heart in knowing that SEXTRO, if nothing else, contains at least one scene that'll drop your jaws, if not your draws.

-Z Man

Our Rating System


Mr. Paul: "XTRO is my baby daddy."


Z-man: "Pretty sad that XTRO gets more play than you do, isn't it? Just don't get suckered in by the promise of a sloppy hot alien ass invasion. Although gruesome as shit, it really can't justify you renting this raging yeast infection when there are still so many bad ass horror flicks out there that you haven't even seen!"


Eagle Te: "No one ever said that XTRO couldn't make an entrance...try an entrance to the tune of ripping out of some chick's uterus and you get an idea of just what I am talking about! Otherwise, this movie was an exercise in PAIN and amounted to nothing more than an XTRO large shit! "


El Santo: "It wasn't that good, and for the most part we all hated it, but the fact that it did tear through human flesh made it somewhat watchable. However, no matter what anybody else here at NOTC tries to tell you, THIS IS A RETARDED MONSTER, BECAUSE HE TRIES TO GET A BLOW JOB, BUT JUST ENDS UP PUTTING HIS DICK ON HER CHIN. Don't watch it, unless you have a good reason to (like sex or lots of money)!"