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Hello and welcome to the Doctor's Office, Night of the Creeps' retarded attempt at tossing its viewers a few bloody scraps of horror movie information. Our ruthless gang of Bionic Ninja Thunderpunch Assassins has toiled for countless hours to bring you these bizarre horror movie reports from across the country and across the globe. We sincerely hope you enjoy these rumors (and the occassional tangible fact) as much as we enjoyed pushing your grandmother down the stairs!





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The Tom Savini Project

February 22nd, 2000


Deified by constipated nerds everywhere, splatter khan Tom Savini is back in the news... AGAIN. This time Tom's got a rumored horror movie project under the brand new Thunder Bay Productions banner. The film, which is supposedly going to be shot in the Tampa, FL area sometime this year... doesn't even have a fucking title yet. But it does have a plot that we can all stand up and cheer for... well, except for those of us without legs, in which case those people will just scoot around on their stumps. The alleged plot involves a campus security guard hell-bent on exterminating all the members of a particularly obnoxious college frat. Tom (we go way back) is rumored to direct this bad bitch... of course, he was also set to direct RESIDENT EVIL, TWILIGHT OF THE DEAD, and FREDDY VS. JASON, right? My oh my, how ever will he find the time between all these projects and numerous convention appearances?

Face it folks:Tom Savini has been getting the shit end of the fucking stick for quite some time when it comes to the movie business... and hyping accomplishments from 20 years abck isn't getting him anywhere. He's directed exactly ONE Hollywood production in the last decade: and that was NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD in 1990. Yeah, I know he's done shit like VAMPIRATES or RAGING CARIBOU CANNIBAL CLITS or whatever... but let's be honest here: he's not in demand, no matter what you fanboy faggots may think. Now I'm not dissing the man's obvious talent for special effects... but think about it: would a legitimate director be forced to post a "petition" on his own web site in order to get some fucking work... on a FRIDAY THE 13th project? How does this guy pay rent?

Sigh... sadly, this "new horror project" sounds like so much smoldering fanboy bullshit: and this is coming from a horror FAN. That's why the good Doctor is going to eliminate the fucking middle man and drop Tom Savini an e-mail later today about all this. Check back later this week and see what's the dilly-o.


The St. Francisville Experiment

February 20th, 2000


What happens when 4 non-actors (a historian, a psychic, a ghost hunter, and a film student) grab their digital camera and spend the night in New Orleans' infamous Lalaurie House? No one really knows... but Trimark Pictures grabbed up North American theatrical rights to this documentary known as "The St. Francisville Experiment" after just one screening, raising more than a few eyebrows. The footage is reportedly a 2-hour edit of the many hours of footage captured by the investigators- and Trimark's Executive Producers are standing firm on their claim that unlike the Blair Witch Project... this shit is authentic. Release dates, or the names of the individuals in the film are unknown at this time... but there's a good chance that The St. Francisville Project will do its best to pre-empt next years Blair Witch 2- possibly with a late 2000 release.


Mimic II: The Quickening

February 20th, 2000


Goddammit. Word out of Capitol City is that a sequel to the uber-skank shitlord suplex MIMIC has already been greenlit and starts preproduction TODAY. They say that shooting starts on April 3rd... but if I can find the studio where they're perpetrating this fucking abomination... I can assure you, the shooting will start much, much sooner.


More INFERNO News

February 18th, 2000


Chances are if you're a fan of the last few HELLRAISER movies... you're either Limey... or a big stinky gayfer. Either way, you're destined to get head from Zartan. A few months ago NOTC mentioned rumors of HELLRAISER V: INFERNO. We also mentioned rumors that CHYNA was really MAGNUS VON MAGNUSSEN with a prosthetic tit appliance grafted to his chest. Anyway... our fears were confirmed when we dug up this eyewitness account of the furious hellfunk on DARK HORIZONS. The reviewer seemed largely (HIV) positive about INFERNO, comparing it to HELLRAISER II: HELLBOUND in many ways. He also admitted that because the theatrical release of INFERNO is largely tied to the success of horror films like SCREAM 3... there's an excellent chance it'll see screen time later this year. So make of this shit what you will:

The plot concearns a corrupt homicide detective named DETECTIVE ASHTON(Doug Remar). Ashton wakes up in the labrynths of hell where he encounters the cenobites and all the tortures the place has to offer. He some how manages to break out of the darkness and begins his descent further into the netherworld where he's allowed to slowly put together and reinact the past (ala Dark City)to figure out why he's actually where he is. Along the way Ashton encounters a serial killer he once helped put away and have executed. The serial killer's become a cenobite, but not one that thrives off suffering. He's more of a guardian and guide (kind of like Cuba Gooding Jr in What Dreams May Come). So ashton unites with the man and they set out through Hell looking for a way out and hopefully an answer to resolve their questions. The answer of course lies in the LAMENT CONFIGURATION puzzle box and deals a great deal with PINHEAD (whom we encounter in the film's frightening, and very suspensful, but very elongated finale). I won't tell you if he gets out of hell or not or what happens, but I will say that there is a door left open for a sequel, which there usually always is at the climax of a Hellraiser film. Oh, and also, the film is set in modern times, not the future. BLOODLINES ending is completely dismissed.

If there's one way to kill a horror movie hard-on, it's making reference to Cuba Gooding Jr in What Dreams May Come. Personally, I never trust anyone who spells the word "concerns" with an "a" like a faggot.... but CLIVE BARKER is affiliated with the project (as Exec Producer) so maybe it'll prove worthy of my oily load. If not, I'll just watch WILD WILD WEST in Spanish.


You A Lie

February 18th, 2000


Eyewitness reports confirm that JIMMY WALKER (of GOOD TIMES fame) was a guest panelist on the Animal Planet's new gameshow YOU LIE LIKE A DOG last week. According to reliable industry sources, WALKER correctly identified the owner of PUDDIN: a 4-year old Cockapoo with a urinary tract infection. For his awesome powers of deduction, Mr. Walker was awarded 10 points.


BLAIR WITCH 2: THE REAL STORY

February 18th, 2000


O.K., this news story has been pirated more times than your asshole in Hazard County lock up.... so don't be surprised if it leaves some funny looking boils on your genitals. It regards the very possible future of the BLAIR WITCH series... which looks like total country-fried farmfuck. This info was ripped off from COMING ATTRACTIONS, GOREZONE, and YOUR MAMA'S UNDERWEAR DRAWER... so enjoy it, honky:

"The Plot...The Blair Witch Project was a real movie put together by these two guys who found the footage. Heather, Mike and Josh are all still missing. Enter FIVE different people who all have reason to go back into the woods."

"The Characters: One guy is a bitter indie-film wanna-be so he sets out to make Blair Witch 2: The Real Story. There are three girls. One is a witch trying to dispel all of the bad rumors that the first movie created about witches. Another has psychic powers and tries to find the original kids' energy. And finally, there is a girl obsessed with Heather Donahue who sets out to prove the original kids were murdered. The other guy in the movie is part of a couple.

Take the above info for what it's worth... but word that the series creators SANCHEZ and MYRRICK are having less and less to do with the sequel has been floating around for a while. Supposedly production on TBWP2 is beginning somewhere up in Maryland (other than Burkittsville) around the first of March. Talent will (again) be drawn from a pool of unknown actors an actresses... except for the witch character: who will be played by Anna-Nicole Smith's dilated 14" rectum.


Dee-Licious

February 7th, 2000


It's official, but it's unauthorized... just like Genghis Khan's latex Naboo battle anus. Yes yes my wigglies, America's Sweetheart DEE SNIDER has been given the green light to move ahead with his proposed sequel to STRANGELAND. Known only as STRANGELAND 2, the film has shown up over Canadian airspace. Production is set to begin on March 20th of this year... but any and all details surrounding this project are unknown. Chances are the sequel will receive the same lukewarm response from theaters this time around (the original had a tiny print release) if it even debuts on the big screen at all. But rest assured, if you dream of having a 4 inch barb jabbed through your penishead or enjoy the idea of voluptuous teens in cages withs catheters... STRANGELAND 2 is right up your alley.


Shooting Blanks

February 7th, 2000


No matter how many rounds we pump into the godless abomination that is the RESIDENT EVIL movie.... the fucking mugwump just won't die. Oh sure, it wants to... ever since Curious George Romero left the project way back when and got a job for Nintendo doing voice-overs for MARIO PARTY. Anyway, like any classic B-Movie bastard... RESIDENT EVIL rises again. This time around, its JAMIE BLANKS (director of URBAN LEGEND and son of BILLY) who is going to be at the helm. At a recent fraternity hazing, Blanks commented on the basic plot outline for RESIDENT EVIL... here's what he said:

"It's set in the not so distant future where all viruses and life threatening diseases ie cancer and Aids now are curable. However along comes a megalomaniacal evil corporation that invents an incurable disease and starts testing it out on some human specimens hoping to later infect the world so that the infected cough up their hard earned for a vaccine."

Of course, these human specimens turn into murderous zombies and go berserk in Racoon City and it's up to a specially trained group of police to take them down. Hijinx ensue.

BLANKS didn't release any projected timetables for R.E.'s production schedule or release date... so don't hold your breath... but he did comment on the URBAN LEGEND 2 a.k.a. URBAN LEGENDS script, which supposedly sucks total fucking anus. Apparently, UL2 is set on the campus of a film school where a professor goes around butchering his star students, stealing their movies, and winning film festivals with them under his own name! Thati s all.


DOC OCK WOULD LIKE TO SHANK




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