SEPTEMBER 1999



"Hard to Handle: Easy To Love."



Ouch. A tough month for Horror News... and for the titty... according to the kitty went the milk went shitty. Still, if you're fucking pathetic enough to go dumpster diving in the "Rumor Mill Archive", you'll probably find something around here to entertain yourself with. If not, I've got a magic goose that shits bubble wrap on command. Drop me a line and I'll trade it to you for a copy of IKARI WARRIORS for my NES.






SCREAM 3 CASTING INFO

September 24th, 1999


O.K. by now you all know the story: Doctor Octagon kicked a leprechaun in the dick and got three wishes. First, he wished some hateful shit on your mom. Then, he wished to have his colon cleansed by big-tittied fairy bitches in some sort of magic spring. Finally, he wished for more wishes. The leprechaun... being a saucy Irish tart... turned Octagon's scrotum to stone and gave him some casting information for SCREAM 3 instead. Fuck you very much. Anyway, here it is... courtesy of the little people:

THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE ARE ALL UP IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER

  • Patrick Dempsey as Harold Montgomery
  • Carrie Fisher as Holly Prescott (unsure)
  • Scott Foley as Video Director
  • Lance Henriksen as Detective Carruthers
  • Roger Jackson as The Phone Voice
  • Mathew Keeslar as Tom Prince (in stab 3)
  • Jenny McCarthy as Sarah Darling
  • Emily Mortimer as Helene Joahanson
  • Parker Posey as Natalie Oheir
  • THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE ARE NOT ALL UP IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER

  • Neils Bohr as Solid Snake
  • Orville Reddenbocker as Liquid Foot
  • Neil Patrick Harris as "The Doog"
  • Abraham Lincoln as Shredder
  • ICE T as Himself
  • Himself as Himself
  • Gemini as Laser
  • Redbone2 as Blue Medusa Head
  • Dinty Moore as Hearty Beef Stew
  • Judy Juggernauts as Big-Tittied Crack Whore 2



  • SEASON OF THE BITCH

    September 18th, 1999


    Despite angry protests from fans all across the nation, the ugly Comanche hellpimps that own the rights to the venerable HALLOWEEN franchise have decided to go ahead and make a "sequel" to H20 WITHOUT Michael Meyers. Paul Freeman, the producer behind earlier Halloween incarnations, recently revealed in a candid (i.e. butt naked) interview with Colonel Moustapha Akkad of the Buttface Helldick Assault Corps (a.k.a. www.halloweenmovies.com) that HALLOWEEN H2K: EVIL NEVER DIES will depart from the "traditional" Halloween storyline much like HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH did. Michael Meyers, who had his fucking head lopped off with an axe at the end of H20, will *not* be involved in the picture at all. He went on to say that EVIL NEVER DIES will be filming at the beginning of next year in Salt Lake City, and that it is scheduled for a Fall 2000 release.

    However, what Col. Moustapha failed to mention in his article is that Paul Freeman deserves to have a razor blade enema performed on his honky ass by a tribe of barbarian dwarves while Kid 'n' Play DJ my birthday party at Putt Putt. Even invoking the name of Halloween 3 is enough to give most horror fans the shits, as anyone who has suffered through that 90 minute kabuki trainfuck can attest to. A Halloween without Mike Myers is like a prono with all the fucking edited out. Anyone who is excited by the prospect of this "sequel" should get their head examined.... right after the extract it from their own ass. And speaking of ass... you can french kiss the boil on mine.


    FREDDY VS. JASON

    September 16th, 1999


    With the success of this new crop of "psychological thrillers" disguising themselves as true horror flicks (like STIGMATA, THE SIXTH SENSE, and HOLLYWOOD BAR-B-Q SLUTFUCK VOL. XII) ... it's becoming increasingly difficult to get the scoops on new additions to the "pick-axe-to-the-tit" school of horror movies. Still, against all odds... we managed to dig up some info on this unbelievable project that Hollywood has been trying to pass through it's big fat neon asshole for what seems like eternity. Is Freddy vs. Jason ever going to get made? Well, sixteen masked assassins from the Yagyu Budoken Finishing School of Hard Knockers (a.k.a. THE DVD REVIEW) managed to procure this info from Robert Englund himself. Here's the dilly-o:

    "DVD Review chatted with the always cool Robert Englund (aka. Freddy Krueger) about the long awaited FREDDY VS JASON movie. About the project in general, Englund says "Freddy vs. Jason sounds comical, but (producer) Michael DeLuca goes to great lengths to get the script where he wants it. I am hoping that it will help the overall balance. The new writer on the project did the first draft for THE MASK. It is a great film that really made a difference. It turned a corner like THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT, and I think these things need to be embraced". What everyone wants to know is, what's the current status of the film. To that question he enthusiastically replied "All I know is that they're waiting for a first draft at this point. I am really looking forward to that, and then we'll go into early pre-production. I might be doing a little bit of stuff, screen tests and so in September. Currently we are working towards a Summer 2000 release date. As I say, there's no final script yet, but I heard some really interesting stuff about the story and how they tie Freddy and Jason together. One of the ideas is to make Freddy the janitor at the Crystal Lake camp and so forth. I am sure it will be fun". Things sound on the up and up."


    AMERICAN PSYCHO GOOD TO GO

    September 10th, 1999


    After months of unending controversy surrounding its production, the adaptation of Brett Easton Ellis' nauseating novel of one yuppie's manic life of hardcore sadism and murder, AMERICAN PSYCHO, has just finished filming in Canada. It is slated to hit theaters on April 7th of 2000, courtesy of Lion's Gate films. For all you literate fuckers in the audience who have witnessed the grim spectacle of American Psycho first hand... you can imagine what all the stink was about. It is unknown what rating the film will receive courtesy of the MPAA... but you can bet your pepper-sprayed asshole that in today's do-or-die box office environment, an NC-17 is equivalent to suicide. Most likely, AMERICAN PSYCHO will surface in a savagely cut version to domestic audiences, that will not only make the movie a drag... but will make everyone who has ever hyped the book up look like a total fucking retard.


    MISFITS To Appear In Romero's BRUISER

    September 10th, 1999


    Fresh off their FarmAID 99 tour, America's sweethearts THE MISFITS have apparently joined up with horror mogul George Romero on the set of his new horror pic BRUISER in Toronto, Canada. Yes, the band that gave you such timeless classics as "Hate the Living, Love The Dead", "Hell Night", and the power ballad "Angel Fuck" will be featured prominently in the film: showing up on screen and lending no fewer than 3 original songs to the film's soundtrack.

    And speaking of the film, BRUISER is the heart-worming tale of an unpopular office wage-slave who awakes one day to find that he HAS NO FACE. Taking advantage of his newfound anonymity: he goes on a one-man crime spree, exacting bloody revenge on anyone who ever pissed him off. No concrete details regarding the main cast is known at this point, but BRUISER is going to hit theaters sometime early in 2000... assuming, of course, that humanity still exists in the wake of the cultural holocaust of Y2K. If it doess... I'll see you at the movies. If it doesn't, I'll smash your fucking head in with a wrench for that can of beans you've got there.


    NEWSFLASH: A-PIX SUX DIX

    September 1st, 1999


    For too long A-PIX ENTERTAINMENT has been a thorn in the anus of horror-lovers everywhere. They are single-handedly responsible for 5 entries on our infamous SHIT LIST, and have made more than a few enemies in the Creep Empire, Honkytown U.S.A., and well.... France. Well, word round the campfire is that a sequel to one our little Shit List turdlings, THE FEAR, is being spawned by A-PIX on October 5th of this year. (For those of you who get excited by this: I've got a bionic boot for your ass.) In response to this horrible perversion of all that is right and just with the horror community today: NOTC has compiled a complete list of each and every one of A-PIX ENTERTAINMENT's horror flicks. They are, without exception, straight-to-video shitfests to be avoided at all costs ($8.99 plus S & H). So, without further ado (and in compliance with our court ordered community service), here's the fuckin' list:

    Know Thy Enemy: A-Pix Films To Loathe and Despise

  • Bleeders
  • Bram Stoker's The Mummy
  • Breeders
  • Evil Ed
  • Evil Within
  • The Fear
  • Grim
  • Ice Cream Man
  • Jack Frost
  • Killer Tongue
  • Little Witches
  • Skinner
  • The Surgeon
  • Uncle Sam
  • Voodoo
  • Werewolf
  • The Whispering
  • Witchraft 7
  • Witchcraft 8
  • Within the Rock







  • DOC OCK WOULD LIKE TO SHANK




    ATTENTION CITIZENS OF EARTH:

    Although we take measures to ensure the stories we post here on NotC are as accurate as possible, it is important that you understand the movie business (the horror film business, in particular) is unpredictable as hell- and what may apparently be set in stone one day may completely fall through the next. So don't blame us if you tell all your friends something you read on the NotC Rumor Mill and they laugh at you because it isn't exactly true. Night of the Creeps or its Staff Memebers can not be held accountable for your ass if it gets kicked as a result of Doctor Octagon's Rumor Mill Page. In addition, aforementioned Staff Members can not be held accountable for the Olympic Park Bombing, leaving the toilet seat up, or leaving the cake out in the rain. Night of the Creeps is, in no way, associated with the Artist Formerly Known as Prince or Rodan. We are, however, associated with Mecha-King Ghidorah and we reserve the exclusive right to open up a can of mecha-whoop ass on you if you don't get on the phone right now and call your mama. Power to the Nation and the Booty Space Station. All rights reserved. Patent Pending.