Ahh yes... the SHIT!!!

Welcome tools! Think you're brave enough to sit through any movie??? Well, my faithless pets, I challenge you to a test of strength!! If you can sit through any of the following movies, I'll recognize your power. If you can sit through any of these movies with your girlfriend, I'll send you five bucks!!! And if you can get the freak on while watching any of these movies, we'll let you have a date with Ookla the Mok!! Don't wet your panties yet... you still got to watch these damn flicks!!!

  • 1/20/00 CHILDREN OF THE CORN 666--- It's always tough to let go... unless you're holding onto a piece of shit. Well, after 5 sequels, NOTC finally realized that CHILDREN OF THE CORN has gone straight to fucking hell- and taken us there with it. COTC 666 is a fucking bow-legged ass gobbler worthy of Kung Pao Iron Pussy Fist technique... and to be honest, I've seen better corn in a dead man's stool.
  • ( Selected By EL SANTO Y EAGLE TE)

  • 11/18/99 CARNAGE--- Hear Ye, Hear Ye! King Vitamin hereby decrees himself an important part of a complete breakfast... and CARNAGE will be his crook-tittied A.M. suck-off Queen. Verily, those of you in the realm who rent this olde salty douchebag deserve to have thy dick slammed in the iron maiden by Stinkor... for yon movie doth sucketh fat kiggity cocketh.
  • ( Selected By Z MAN)

  • 10/29/99 POLYMORPH---POLYMORPH may be able to press a button and change its face, but one thing it can't change is its fucking tune. It's a breathtaking Symphony of Shit... and while it may top the charts in Germany, don't forget: so does David Hasselhoff.
  • ( Selected By CASSANOVA WONG)

  • 10/14/99 HELLGATE---Don't laugh, the joke is in your pants. I suspect that the French are behind this chubby cheeked shit-gobbler, if only because no red-blooded American would ever have anyone attacked by killer mimes in facepaint. I'd rather watch Biz Markie go down on PM Dawn while bobcats played dodgeball with my testes than watch another minute of this limp-dicked boregasm. If you've got half a brain in that buttermilk biscuit head of yours, I suggest you stay the fuck away from HELLGATE.
  • ( Selected By Z MAN)

  • 9/30/99 KILLER TONGUE--- How fitting that the title of a movie that licks semen out of a dead hobo's ass should be named KILLER TONGUE. I'd much rather have a rabid squid hot-glued to my dickhead and be forced to fuck Shamu in the ass before a crowd of retarded Hindus than suffer through the hell of KILLER TONGUE again. A-PIX ENTERTAINMENT, thou art worthy of a deathblow from my Shaolin Tasty Fist.... so bend over and prepare for re-entry."
  • ( Selected By EL SANTO)

  • 9/9/99 THE EVIL--- This is why you never talk shit to people who work in video stores. You'll think that you rented HIND LICK MANUVER 2: TONGUE-IN-CHEEK, only to come home and find that some sly fucker swapped it with THE EVIL. Sure, both films lick ass... but only one does with J Crew Style. So fuck you, Badullah. My life doesn't have a rewind button- but if it did I'd back it up to Christmas of 1997 and make your sister suck me off for a Tickle Me Elmo.
  • ( Selected By FATE)

  • 4/08/99 THE SPOOKIES--- That's the problem with this 'MTV GENERATION', they don't know their ass from a hole in the ground. As a result flicks like The Spookies are created. When will filmmakers realize monologues are worthless in a horror movie. Furthermore, talking isn't exactly necessary either. All we need to see is a pair (or 5) of titties being fucked outta shape and jack booted through the air by a Buddhafist... not talking. Stuff like that ruins a movie the same way your spike headed dildo and Official Genghis Kahn Latex Anus con capelli ruined Grandma's birthday. I know it's the thought that counts, but thoughts don't make the bleeding stop. Won't someone think of the children?!
  • ( Selected By Z-MAN & EAGLE TE)

  • 3/31/99 THE FEAR--- Who's afraid of the big bad dick? Your 6 year old sister after her summer at Camp Mekkanek? (Counselor Zodak, At Your Cervix) Well, that too. However, the tender Mohican assholes of the production crew responsible for THE FEAR sure as hell are- because they're gonna get thrown in the state pen for their part in this huddle house chimpfuck. Despite all of the sophisticated cloaking technology those fuckers at A-PIX ENTERTAINMENT try to throw on the packaging: don't be fooled. This shit sucks panda ass.
  • ( Selected By EL SANTO)

  • 3/12/99 THE STAY AWAKE--- There is a special turd lodged in Satan's asshole for the cold-blooded dicksuckers that perpetrated THE STAY AWAKE: a 12-foot titanium capped rectal rocket that's destined to break bones and snap sinews. Leave it to those dirty bastards in South Africa to completely ruin what could have been a contender. A fucking perfect plotline (nubile boarding school girls stalked by raging sex demon with a 6' prehensile tongue) that was shot to shit by a veritable gatling gun burst of mistakes. No titty. No death. No way in hell.
  • ( Selected By Z MAN)

  • 3/3/99 MUTANT SPECIES--- Help control the pet population: spay or neuter your cat or dog. Or why not simply show those little bastards MUTANT SPECIES and watch their genitalia shrivel up and plop off? Fuzzy cashew cat testes are a hell of a lot more satisfying on a Ritz than this flick's tidal wave of cholesteroid assfuck. Inexcusable trash.
  • ( Selected By EAGLE TE)

  • 2/22/99 THE BORROWER--- Not to be confused with that John Goodman film about the domestic ass gnomes that hide under the couch and ejaculate in your Fruit Loops when you're not looking: THE BORROWER is a 90 minute roller-coaster ride through the cinematic equivalent of Satan's black asshole. The fact that this was a roller coaster ride we all got the fuck off of after 30 minutes and STILL bear the scars from should be reason enough to keep any of you would-be turd burglars far away from this piece of ripe corn-fed shit. But if you do rent this festering rectal jizzmak, be sure to do yourself a favor and borrow your neighbor's 10 gauge before hand so you can blow your fucking head off.
  • ( Selected By Z MAN)

  • 2/6/99 POPCORN--- Ever get a monkeywrench lodged in your rectum? Well if you haven't, you might want to consider giving it the old college try before lodging POPCORN in your damn VCR. One of the fatter shits to grace the slippery-when-white porcelin surfaces of the NOTC bowl in recent mammory, POPCORN is guaranteed to make you look like a fucking faggot in front of your friends, co-workers, and digital pets. If you want your finger bit, just poke it at a pussy. If you want you humiliate yourself and those around you: rent POPCORN.
  • ( Selected By Team NOTC )

  • 1/31/99 SUPER BOWL XXXIII--- Much like the toilet bowl from which its name was spawned, SUPER BOWL XXXIII was brimming over with hot groundhog shit for the masses. "Hail Mary Pass to the Endzone! He might just"- INTERCEPTION. "Atlanta breaks from the huddle, Jamal Anderson goes deep"- INTERCEPTION. "Yo Paul, pass me that last Star Crunch"- INTERCEPTION. Denver Broncos, you can suck miene dick... but you can never take away that pain inside. As a matter of fact I- INTERCEPTION.
  • ( Selected By DIRTY BIRD )

  • 1/23/99 RAWHEAD REX--- If there's one thing that GENERAL ZOD knows better than picking nostrils, it's picking fat shits off of the shelves for us to rent. RAWHEAD REX is the first (and last) flick that we EVER let Zod rent without parent's permission. Seems kinda convenient that the bastard couldn't hang around long enough to watch it, eh? Bitch. Make no mistake, this is an utter piece of bloody Irish garbage that's about as fun as having a leprechaun lick the nacho cheese off your ballsack with his forked, green tongue. (that's nasty)
  • ( Selected By GENERAL ZOD )

  • 1/16/99 HOLLYWOOD'S NEW BLOOD--- Yet another reason that EL SANTO is going to hell (as if that preschool jungle gym prostitution ring wasn't enough). Hollywood's New Blood is, WITHOUT A FUCKING DOUBT, the worst bad movie the NOTC Olympic Muff Diving Team has ever sat through. Shit folks, we've been watching bad horror flicks longer than you've had pubic hair: and this flick takes the goddamn ice cream cake and packs it right up your crooked ass. If you're looking for the ultimate penile punishment: stick your dick in a blender. But if you're looking for something even more horrifying than ginsu genital holocaust: pop Hollywood's New Blood in your VCR (or your llama's ass) and push PRAY.
  • ( Selected By EL SANTO )

  • 1/11/99 SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 5: THE TOY MAKER---One can of fruit.... some gummy.... oh yeah, GIMME THE SHIT! What in the fuck possessed us to even consider renting this turd burgling insta-bomb is beyond me. Maybe it had something to do with those gamma rays that shot out of EL SANTO's ass after he was released from quarantine? In any case, this miserable excuse for a Christmas Evil style horror flick bombs on all fronts- especially the Eastern Front. I'd sooner have Patrick Swayze drive an 18 wheeler up my rectal off-ramp than sit through this swill again.
  • ( Selected By NOTC )

  • 12/12/98 Bleeders---Fucking Hell! When will someone realize that A-PIX ENTERTAINMENT is the tool of the devil and burn those goddamned studios to the ground? BLEEDERS is the latest in a long line horror flicks from A-PIX like: JACK FROST, ICE CREAM MAN, and EVIL ED... and in the time-honored tradition of all things A-PIX, it goes straight ot the fucking SHIT LIST before the tape finishes rewinding. Don't let that cool-looking box with the fake blood fool you, this movie is about as funny as a pitchfork in the ass!
  • ( Selected By EL SANTO )

  • 10/30/98 C.H.U.D.---Cannabilistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers may sound like it kicks ass, but it really sucks dick. This shitfest has been overlooked for way too long. We found it crawling around in the bowels of the flick list this morning and realized this movie is pure shit. While doing something to the sewage system Daniel Stern (of Home Alone fame) gets attacked by mutants. Too bad the mutants are just looking for some dick to suck, and they accomplished their task all too well. If you've seen this movie and you think it's good, you need to be commited to Belview and spend some time on Dr. Octagon's Merry Go Round of Pain. It's boring as piss and nothing ever happens, this movie is pure shit extracted for a pirate's hairy moldy ass. Is your integrity only worth $1.50? Probably, but don't waste your money.
  • ( Selected By NOTC )

  • 10/21/98 NECRONOMICON: BOOK OF THE DEAD---Yet another reason that H.P. LOVECRAFT should be glad that he's dead. Within five minutes of starting this fucker, you'll wish you were dead, too. It's so goddamn boring that after the first 20 minutes you'll be scrambling for a pointy instrument to gouge your eyes out with. NECRONOMICON commits all the cardinal sins that are guaranteed to kill hardcore horror fans: it's BORING, it's WORDY AS FUCK, and it's got about as many KILLS as your grandma has TEETH. Now granted, this peculiar brand of "cerebro-goth" horror might be great for all you Art House Fags out there... but any red-blooded horror fan with an ounce of self-respect wouldn't be caught dead watching this shit. You have been warned!
  • ( Selected By MR. PAUL )

  • 10/10/98 SKULLDUGGERY---How in God's name this damn thing slipped past our NOTC Shit Detectors for this long is an absolute mystery to all of us... for SKULLDUGGERY has been languishing in one of the darker corners of the NOTC FLICK LIST for a couple of months now. However, it's time that the shit hit the fan. Daddy's home, and he's not going to let this rancid colon kisser go unpunished for its crimes against the horror loving community. Does this Flick Have a bad ass Theme Song? Hell yes. Is it enough to keep it off the SHIT LIST? Fuck no. I'd rather have my dick sucked by a Black Hole in the Gamma Quadrant while Klingons shove candy canes up my ass that be subjected to this monstrous PG-rated FUCK UP again. Absolute Trash.
  • ( Selected By OOKLA THE MOK )

  • 9/2/98 THE LAST SLUMBER PARTY---While RUN DMC may be the Kings Of Rock... and BIGFOOT may be King Of The Monster Trucks... THE LAST SLUMBER PARTY has stolen the show and become King Shit of Turd Mountain here at NIGHT OF THE CREEPS. Heralded by many NOTC Staff Members as the worst film experience since "TIE ME UP! TIE ME DOWN! EAT MY ASS!" debuted on Showtime After Hours back in 1986, this movie has absolutely no redeeming qualities. An absolutely wretched piece of corn-fed Apache shit that should be stitched with automatic weapons fire if spotted crossing the border.
  • ( Selected By NOTC )

  • 8/8/98 FOREVER EVIL---We all thought that "Forever Evil" could turn out to be one of the hidden horror gems of the 80s (well...at least I did)... However, once we popped the tape in we soon realized we were all in for an odyssey of foam-flecked doo doo mania that the likes of God had never seen. The special effects alone land this one in the Shit List (and that's no easy task) and everything else just adds to the ambiance: the ugly women, the William Shattner look-alike hero, the Confederate Zombie, and a bunch of people running around trying to pronounce "YOG KOTHAG" all the damn time. The effects of this movie literally have to be seen to be believed. For those of us fortunate enough to have a large jug of ETHER on hand, "Forever Evil" could prove to be an entertaining evening. However, for those of us without mind-numbing chemicals (or a large mallet) within arm's reach, "Forever Evil" may prove too much for our fragile psyches to handle. !!!BEWARE!!!
  • ( Selected By Z MAN)

  • 8/8/98 THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW---What seemed like a tried and true plotline took a nosedive into the Valley of the Shits when the "vicious killer with an arsenal of exotic implements of death" turned out to be Grandma with her walking stick. The sorority sisters looked like they fell off the American Bandstand and into heroine addiction, the gore scenes were filmed so poorly that I couldn't tell if people were being killed or transforming into werewolves, and everyone had sex with all of their clothes on. UGH! A piece of 70s trash that slipped through our defenses and bit us on the ass. G'nap! G'nap!
  • ( Selected By MR. PAUL)

  • 8/7/98 DEMON OF PARADISE---Words can scarcely describe the bowel bursting horror of "DEMON OF PARADISE". This movie is home to one of the worst creatures in all of filmdom- the environmentally conscious, dolphin safe MERMAN. Although the idea of hunting retarded natives and scientists on a remote tropical island sounds like fun... leave it to MERMAN to fuck it up. The cover of this tape looks awesome, but it is merely an ADAPTATION of the cassette, one that is neccessary for it to trick you into renting it! Absolutely inexcusable.
  • ( Selected By EAGLE TE)

  • 7/31/98 JACK FROST---Yikes, we saw this movie a few days ago, and I'm still hurting!! This movie sucks, and there's nothing good to say about it!! If the lack luster production doesn't kill you, then the cheap and BAD one liners will!!! Don't forget to walk overto A-PIX ENTERTAINMENT HQ and bust a few heads with a ball bat. They're the ones responsible for this- and justice must be served!
  • ( Selected By EL SANTO)

  • 7/8/98 KILLER NERD---Oh boy, where do I even start. Let's see, the fact that this movie had a slut dancing during the intro was cool....AND THE REST SUCKED SHIT. I can't figure out which was worse, his awful voice or the FUCKING LAMENESS of this enitre movie!!! Unless you like farm animals- Don't go near this shit!!!
  • ( Selected By BROTHER PHIL)

  • 6/21/98 ICE CREAM MAN---Damn this was a painful movie!!! Leave it up to A-Pix Entertainment to make a movie that is actually as shitty as its title suggests (a tall order considering its called "Ice Cream Man" for God's sake!) It sucks a big cock, but on the bright side it was responsible for our contest winner!!!
  • ( Selected By OOKLA THE MOK)

  • 6/20/98 JACK-O---It's got a great concept, and decent enough production value, so what makes this a shitty film??? How bout the fact that NOBODY DIES!!!! I HATE THIS FILM AND SO SHOULD YOU!!!
  • ( Selected By EAGLE TE)

    Merciful Buddha!
    Whenever You See My Happy Face...
    You Know You're In For Some Shit!


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