If You Can't Keep It In Your Pants, Keep It In The Family.

Face it, if you're a hardcore horror fan there's only so many "classic" horror flicks out there. After a few psycho horror video orgies, all the mainstays of the genre have been played out. You've already memorized every line of dialogue from the EVIL DEAD movies, you've beaten off to FRIDAY THE 13th so often that the mere mention of Crystal Lake makes your palms sweat and your dick ache (just like gonnorhea), you've seen DEAD ALIVE, BAD TASTE, all the LIVING DEAD flicks. You've even seen ERNEST SCARED STUPID. Face it: you're a horror movie god. So what if you couldn't get laid if you were a brick on a construction site? So what if your hobbies include RED LOBSTER and TACO BELL? So what if you live in your parents' basement and cover your head with a pillow at night when they fuck? You are a bonafide superstar- and the fact that you know more about the Cenobites than the presidents of the United States of America just proves that fact. Kudos to you, you saucy French Bitch!

But what's a Horror God to do once the classics have lost their thrill? Well, time to strike out and look for something new. No dumbass, I'm not talking about starting a program of regular exercise and a sensible diet... or asking that girl in your math class for a hand job during study hall... or even wiping thoroughly. I'm talking about the HORROR MOVIE B-TEAM. That's what your ass has been reduced to nowadays: sifting through the heaps of VHS filth in search of that all important horror fix. But digging for gold in the horror section is no easier than it is in Turd Mountain: there are plenty of perils to be had.... and it's quite easy for someone who doesn't know any better to get their testicles squashed by a totally awful horror video experience.

Here at NOTC, we've seen our fair share of shit in our day. That has a lot to do with the fact that we all had dysentary as children. Now, you can learn from our mistakes. Got a horror flick in your hand that you're not too sure about? Are your shit detectors out of wack? Is your posse wack? Well, fiend... take a look at the criteria that NOTC has lovingly compiled for you below. If your prospective rental exhibits any one of the below warning signs... I hope you packed a rubber in your pants, because you're about to get FUCKED.


FAT BOXES: Just ask Anna-Nicole Smith and she'll plainly tell you "THE BIGGER THE BETTER!" Of course, what she doesn't tell you is that she's referring to DICK and not horror movies. When it comes to picking tapes off the shelf: avoid taking home any of those fat video boxes. And you know goddamn well what I'm talking about. Rent your horror flicks like you rent your women: if they're fat as fuck... don't let your friends watch- you'll just get embarassed.

MONEY SHOTS: Whoever said "don't judge a book by its cover" was right on. Hell, none of us at NOTC ever do... largely because we don't read any damn way. We usually judge a book by how many pictures of naked women its got in it, and whether or not it teaches us how to make pipe bombs. But what about horror videos? Well, just do what always gets you through sex with an ugly woman: flip that bitch over. You can learn a lot from a dummy (especially if it has rubber tits) but you can learn even more by taking a quick look at the back of the box. What? No screenshots? Well, you barnstorming assfuck: there's your first clue that it sucks cock. Horror movies that are afraid to show actual screenshots on the packaging should set off all kinds of alarms in your head... unless you are British, then it sets off claxons or some shit. Make no exceptions to this rule: if the tape doesn't showcase its wares... you want none of it.

RATINGS: Always, always, ALWAYS double, triple, and quadruple check your fucking tapes for a rating. Trust us, no matter how tasty a horror movie might seem on the back of the box... if it's anything less than an "R" rating: you're going to feel like King Kong Bundy hit you in the asshole with a spiked cleat when the dust settles from this shit fest. By stepping into the arena of PG-13 and PG rated "horror flicks", you're basically saying "HEE HAW, I AM AN ASS." That's right... you'll sound like an ass. And if you keep picking shit like that off the shelf, you'll smell like one. You're basically ensuring that your rental won't have any of the essential ingredients of a great horror movie right off the bat (big boppin' titty, hardcore gore, or death-defying feats of acrobatic profanity). Hell, the best you can hope for now is mediocrity... or that someone accidentally put "BLONDAGE II: SHRIEK OF THE PENETRATED" in the video box for "TREMORS 2: AFTERSHOCKS" by mistake.

BEND OVER: If you get to check-out counter and you notice your video displays the phrase "psychological thriller" somewhere on the box... I hope you packed a rubber in your pants because you're about to get....ohhhhhhh... nevermind dammit.

GIMMICK COVERS: If the tape you're thinking about renting has a cover that is: chromium foil embossed, a hologram, in 3-D, or prominently featuring a scratch 'n' sniff picture of a bandicoot's dirty ass... you know you've got a total shitter in your hands. Any horror flick worth its weight in streetlegal pussy poundcake doesn't need to rely on ridiculous marketing gimmicks to get rented. REAL HORROR flicks simply rely on snappy taglines, sensational cover art that has nothing to do with the movie itself, and a few suggestive hints that will lead a prospective renter to believe he's gonna see some titty onscreen. Remember: nice girls don't have to show it off- they just put out.

A-PIX: If one of our criteria for spotting shitty horror flicks has proven itself over time, this is it. Anyone who recommends that you check out a horror film from A-PIX ENTERTAINMENT beats off in a jam-filled sock during POKEMON's commercial breaks. This company (which also goes by their full name UNAPIX ENTERTAINMENT on occassion, so don't be fooled) has the most consistent track rating in the business: all their movies fucking suck. However, they're not always easy to spot. Their movies sound great on paper... and judging from the back of the box you'll think you're walking home with a real winner. However, it's not until you reach that all important 30 minute mark that you make the horrible realization that you just carried a VHS dick-in-the-ass home from Hollywood Shitteo... NOTC made this mistake one too many times, and as a result EL SANTO blew his O-ring. Now he shits his pants when he sneezes, does a pull up, or gets hit by Mike Tyson's "Dynamite Punch" in PUNCH-OUT for the NES. Just look at A PIX's track record with us... 4 out of 5 of their movies wound up on the SHIT LIST before the tape finished rewinding. Those sort of figures are hard to argue with... unless of course you're a bionic cunt with false teeth and magic sled.